This sub (sometimes) propagates stigma
Throwaway, but I have been a lurker on this sub for a while and I genuinely believe that a lot of the rhetoric here makes the herpes stigma worse and makes people who have tested positive bad about themselves.
For context, if you have tested positive via swab for any strain of herpes (or if you have cold sores from when you were younger) I believe it is the right thing to disclose to sexual partners at any point you feel comfortable before sex (more on this later). I also believe that this sub has a lot of good info, and kind-hearted people that help others.
Sorry for the long post, but here are my reasons:
- The language that some users use, often comes from a sense of internalized shame about herpes. I am not trying to blame people for feeling this way, this is what society conditions us to think. Often you see users lament about how life is over, or how they hate that this was done to them, and how it is so unfair. Firstly, the stigma does make it a bit unfair. BUT, YOU ARE NOT ANY LESSER THAN BEFORE YOU HAD HERPES. YOU ARE NOT DIRTY. YOU ARE NOT WORSE OFF. YOU ARE THE SAME PERSON YOU WERE BEFORE BUT MORE INFORMED AND MORE IN TUNE WITH YOUR BODY.
Some people, may fail to realize that but those people should not be people you associate with anyway. Remind yourself, for a huge majority of people, herpes is just a minor skin condition like dandruff or eczema, the fact it is on your genitals and can be transmitted does not make it some terrible disease. If we could transmit dandruff, it still wouldn't be a big deal.
- The obsession with disclosure. Firstly, as I mentioned before I think it is the RIGHT thing to disclose. However, it is the right thing because it protects YOU AND YOUR PARTNER. It will give you the piece of mind and allow you to feel at ease with your partner which is necessary, it is also an opportunity to vet if partners are mature, communicative, and curious about health and well being. If you are not having an active outbreak, and you are taking precautions, while I think it is not ideal to not disclose I don't think you are an awful person. Since, at the end of the day herpes is a minor skin condition. Unfortunately, I see some users here talk about how it is a MORAL INJUSTICE AND CRIME for not disclosing. And you are an awful person if you don't disclose and so on.
Firstly, name one person non-celebrity who has been sued for not-disclosing herpes. It is so common, that it would be hard to even build a case. Second, I think a lot of people on this sub believe that if their partner who gave them herpes were to disclose, then they could unsleep with them retroactively, which would mean they never get herpes, and won't feel shame about it.
The assumption here is that dealing with herpes is some big awful thing, which it isn't for most people. This assumption also hurts your confidence, and calmness while disclosing. Since there is an assumption that transmitting herpes (which is a possibility) to your new partner, would be some great injustice upon them, which it isn't. Again you should be transparent, but reduce the emotional weight of the situation.
The medical consensus is in agreement here. Herpes (both HSV1 and HSV2) is not really a huge deal. For almost all people, it is a minor skin condition. Annoying, yes. Does it present a lot worse in some rare instance, absolutely and it is important to acknowledge that. A lot of people here hate on doctors, since they often recommend not or downplaying disclosure (not something I support see above), but that is because doctors realize that herpes isn't a big deal. And getting or transmitting it doesn't make you worse or dirty. Should you go ahead and try to transmit, no ofc not.
If someone rejects you for having herpes, even if you are taking serious and significant precautions to keep them safe and have disclosed. Let them. They are shallow. A lot of people in this sub play defense for this behavior, but again this is because of the stigmatized belief that herpes is some bad disease you want to avoid that will ruin your quality of life. It will not in most cases. If you try your best to inform and educate your partner, and they still reject you let them. Admit to yourself that they are a bit shallow. They are allowed to reject you ofc, we can be rejected for anything, but just as if someone is rejected for minor weight gain, their hair color, having ezcema, or acne, it is a bit shallow. Does that make them awful people no.
But so many times, a lot of people struggle with herpes rejection, because they THEMSELVES would have rejected THEMSELVES if they were on the other end, think about why you think that. They think, if I was them I too would have said rejected me. So it is okay. It is not okay, you are more informed and you should be in a position to not reject yourself (hypothetically). (I hope this makes sense).
rant over , thx , would appreciate the feedback