Nothing will ever change what was done to me
I was diagnosed with avpd, then bpd. Mild depressive episodes. I did CBT. DBT. Schema therapy and internal family systems. Nothing helped. My self image is ruined by the stereotypes of Borderline. The "treatmennt" they gave me. The stigma. They calles us "Bordis" in the handbook of my DBT group. I wanted to throw up. It was full of misogyny. Claiming that only young women have borderline. How manipulative and awful we are. The idea that I have to schedule my daily life around skills was drilled into my head. A nurse didn't listen to me. Accused me of avoidant and anti social behaviour. Whole time I had a migraine and wanted to go home and sleep. The psychologist told me to skill. It's all about skills, about coping. Never about healing. My therapist laughed at me, was always late to our sessions. One time she didn't inform me that she had put an emergency in our slot. Didn't understand why I was upset (It took me an hour to drive there). Said that withdrawing warmth is normal, the best way to treat "Bordis". Said that we all just want attention. Asked me how I felt arguing against her. "Good" I said, because my anger in that moment made me confident. She was quiet, I suppose she didn't believe me. I was told I could not be autistic or ADHD or OCD but nobody ever told me why. Nobody understood why I hated being diagnosed with BPD. They didn't understand they were part of it. Now I'm on a waitlist for a new therapist, a trauma informed one. To get it all off my chest, hopefully. But what does it change? Nothing. Even if I get the diagnosis removed from my records, my self image will forever be ruined. I was a monster in their eyes, in most of society's eyes. I will never forget it. And they will never know that they were wrong.