How do I grief and cry out my suppressed emotions for so long?
I don’t want to diagnose myself with mental health disorders but I feel like a symptom of “C-PTSD” is hitting me in my life. Short story about my childhood, I had a 50/50 good/bad childhood development but back when I was a kid, I just felt everything went by a blur or it just went by fast like I was trying to people please my way into friendgroups, I easily cried during situations and when teachers scold me I feel like I was a sore loser, a bad student and people called me crybaby when the ones that do get scolded they simply had tolerance while I don’t.
Fast forward to this day, I’m unlearning to suppress my emotions and learn emotional regulation. I felt unsafe emotionally like I just couldn’t communicate my needs and just 2 months before I vented it all out with my mom and she gave me her nurture. I felt emotionally safe and could cry to her but sometimes I couldn’t cry out my suppressed emotions myself even when I’m in a room that is quiet and have none.
Last few weeks I had a family member that died and during that time I still had exams, so once I found out I immediately cried like I lost everything in the world.. it felt great releasing even though I had no time to process so I strengthen up and kept going to finish my exams in which I should’ve not came and retake the exams. I felt like my mind had this protective mechanism of trying to intellectualise my emotions rather than releasing them. I never took time enough to process cause it’s my last year in high school and there is one exam coming up in 1 and a half months, projects and I’m scared that I don’t have enough time to study. That was my fear.
After my further maths exams I didn’t have any exams for two days until friday which is listening exams, I had one project which is worth 20% of my accounting grade and the teacher told us to come so that we can rush the process of finishing the project earlier. I didn’t come during Wednesday but came in at Thursday which I got scolded bad because I made a lot of mistakes. Even this small thing could make me cry
In my mind, my nervous system was in a shutdown and a dysregulated phase. I was trying my best not to show my emotions, I suppress hard until I crashed out when I was in the car with my parents. I felt bad after, and I went home while my mom is comforting me and my tears just can’t come out. This small thing has turned into trauma and I don’t know how to face it.
My body turned scared, frightened and afraid while my mind is relaxed.
Now I’m trying my best to regulate my emotions that is stuck in the body searching on TikTok for tools like somatic therapy, breath-work and EFT tapping but it just doesn’t do well. What should I do? I’m in a state of emotional overwhelm?
Please share advices; cause I’m in no state of affording counselling nor therapy.