u/AdmirableShoulder869

at this point i can no longer deny that im trans, and i mean i can say with confidence that i wanna be a girl (to myself; im still insanely shy with other people about it except for my one goated friend), and i mean i ended up being able to get out of the military program that i was in (ROTC; it regulates hair, earrings (banned for guys), has upper body workouts, etc. fill in the blanks) because i wouldn't stop b*tching about it, and i mean im sitting here thinking "well, now what?"

i mean like i can finally start growing my hair out and all, but that takes time, and like with earrings and makeup and all, it feels sort of wrong to try that out without longer hair. and i mean i'd be doing a disservice by telling people that i'm a girl and i should be treated as such and all because i mean absolutely not; i have to earn that and transition first, and i mean come on my hair is still only a few inches long. and i mean southeast america tends to not be very trans friendly a lot of the time so i wanna be careful, but i mean i have friends who would be supportive and all, but at the same time i dont feel like im ready.

sure i can theoretically start voice training, but i almost never get any privacy and i would probably faint out of embarrassment if someone found out i was doing such (and badly), and i mean even when i try to open my mouth or have fricking google open to search stuff up, i get really embarrassed and ashamed of myself for some reason. like nobody could be at my house for the time and i have a solid hour to test things out, but i open my mouth and try to squeak out any progress and i just recoil.

so i'm a bit lost on where to go, but im at least happy that i feel confident at where i am. i sort of want advice on things to consider, and especially tips with getting over voice training anxiety.

also one last thing, but is it ok if i have some GGD please? (Jacqueline, she/her). I'm trying to understand better how it feels, and I mean you're all strangers online without any platonic significance but still.

NOTE: I am looking for genuine examples of experience and feeling. Being descriptive and abstract or just simple and blunt works for me. my doubts on myself are through logic and knowing myself better than any of you guys know me. I know how I work and I will keep most of my internal thoughts private and to myself. Do not try to convince me that I am trans

im gonna be pretty blunt here, because ive asked a similar point before about false positives, and apparently i didn't get that point across, but i mean what actually do they feel like. my recent experience with either has been pretty muted, and tbf i have bigger fish to fry with school and finals and all, but even still. like autism is genuinely on the table for me (i have a psychiatrist and parents and yada yada i aint getting into that stuff) and if thats the case then i might just not be trans at all, and at this point yeah id rather be confirmed one or the other (or both, whatever works) just to seal an answer; any kind of grounded and legitimate answer is all im looking for at this point.

(and yes false positives exist, don't tell me they don't; a false positive in the context im using is someone who thinks they're trans when it's actually other underlying factors being masked as trans. im susceptible to lying and believing myself on this sort of stuff so im trying to be careful here. ik false positives are rare but there's always a 1% chance)

...ima be honest i dont think i sound like i make sense but i'll try my best. so essentially, since my egg has cracked (well like a month and a half post crack starting, which is idk a lot of months ago) things ive done or use have felt sort of "gendered". like something that i would normally not even think about seriously now feels very important and sort of either euphoria educing or dysphoria educing.

say for example, ive had a habit for a long time that i'd hit a drawer or cabinet closed with my hip by kind of swinging it in place (if like my hands are full) instead of idk kicking it closed (idfk what normal guys do) but now that same action feels distinctly more feminine than not do, and weather or not im right doesnt matter because the euphoria or dysphoria feels real.

the same works in reverse; something like using the guy's restroom or even just carrying dumb heavy stuff (i might be being a wuss but idk) makes me feel like im more supposed to be a guy and it feels, well dysphoric. its the same sort of feeling i get when i see or feel my leg hair and want to just run from myself, but you can't run away from your own feet.

like this feeling isnt chosen consciously, and idk how i organize it but ive been sorting random stuff out like that and its sort of making an impact on my decision making for minor things. like i had two soda can choices to drink, both were the same in every way except flavor (which idc much about in this context) so i just chose the light pink one because it looks prettier and kind of more feminine than the blue one, not to sort of impress anyone but just make myself. like at that point its just less meaningful and more sort of pathetic, maybe.

idk i could be loosing my marbles; either one

i mean i sooort of understand what imposter syndrome (i just realized i misspelled that oml) is but i see the word get used a bit more vaguely and complexly, at least throughout this subreddit. im assuming y'all know what ur talking about, so pls catch me up on this. i mean normally i post transfem stuff (...because thats what i intend to be) but i think anyone goes for this question

...ok i mean i feel like its a bit weird that i do, but in my meantime of not being able to do anything about wanting to be a girl, ive been sort of daydreaming/wondering about certain things i can do or roles i can fill, and i just kind of really like the idea of it. like getting past the how id somehow be able to, the idea just gets me a tiny bit of euphoria simply thinking about it (i mean not exaactly euphoria but like a similar feeling but very small). idk what are y'alls' thoughts on this kind of stuff