UPDATE on my previous post "How to leave a depressed and vulnerable husband"
I left, could not take it anymore. It got worse and worse. He just kept saying he is a victim of the circumstances, tried to manipulate me into s*x ("I know this will be hard on you, but I need it") said it is my fault, that our 16 year old does not want to come home ("this is just because you won't submit to me") made me sit next to him while ordering printer cartridge and when I asked why he said "you know what could happen". I said "no, I don't. What could happen?" I had to ask twice he would not answer the first time. Then he said "This question is so ridiculous I am not going to answer it" Later that day he said "You know, the problem is your attitude"
This is just representive of how things went for years and years. I had prepared to leave for some time (planned to leave in september) and kept moving the date forward, I just could not take it any longer. In my language we have a saying "The pitcher goes to the well until it breaks" and I feel that is what happened with me.
I am now living with my sister and brother-in-law (my 18 year old came with me). 2 days after I left I already found an appartment for us! We will be moving in July 4th. My boss will talk to the CEO to up my hours so I can work full-time. So many people met me with compassion and wanting to help, it is very touching.
I talked to several therapists and it seems that my husband is a covert narcissist. I never realized. But the more I learn about it I go "ha, that is exactly what he does". Our daughter would not cry for 4 years because he ridculed her crying. He would demand apologies for things she did not understand and then say "if you don't apologize within 20 minutes I will never give you money again" She never asked for money, just to be clear.
When we got into an argument (mostly about how he treats the kids) he would say to her "now I have a fight with my wife because of you!" Who says that to an 11 year old? After we left she told me that he also said to her "we only started having problems after you arrived" This is so sad ... I feel very guilty for exposing the kids, especially my older daughter, to this for so long. Even though I would always confront his behaviour. But he is always right and always knows better. Obviously no one is smarter than him and he makes that very clear.
I will start a therapy myself because I want a normal relationship with my daughters. I am hoping for my 16 year old to come back, not to live with me, but to just spend time. We used to be close. Also after 21 years I guess I am not really myself anymore. I want to break free from unhealthy and weird behaviour. The sooner the better. So I am seeing a therapist tomorrow to see what can be done about it.
I do not wish bad on him. I just want to live in peace and be free. I stayed so long because of my faith. But I now realize that is not what God wants. This kind of relationship is not a real marriage. And pride and hardness of heart are also sins.
I left when he was out of the house and just left him a letter explaining. I expected him to be furious because I took some money (about 30% of the savings) but instead he flooded me with messages how he cannot live without me and he wants to die blablabla. Never once asked why I feel I could not be free with him or specifics about why I left. It is all just about him and how he feels. He made promises to change, to reconcile with out 16 year old, to not pressure our 18 year old into going to university (a big argument over years, because I said I would not pressure her into doing something she does not want, she wants to become a physiotherapist) but it is just to make me come back. I told him to seek therapy and if he goes to therapy for a year then we could talk (I have since changed my mind, I do not want to talk to him again) and then I blocked him.
He is acting so weird. It feels claustrophobic just to think about it.
Strangely we did have some happy times. Well, maybe moments. But I was always on edge because his mood could flip in an instance because of anything.
Thank you everyone for reading this. I could go on an on ... Even if we don't know each other it helps. Wishing the best to everyone!