u/Admirable_Plum6039

It's easy to ignore everything when I don't feel connected to my life or the world. I don't do simple necessary tasks and it makes my life harder but I almost never want anything enough to just make myself do it. Paying bills on time and taking medicine every day and renewing anything and calling anybody for anything even if its necessary is just so easy to ignore regardless of the consequences.

I feel like a sub-tier functioning adult. I don't read anymore. I don't write anymore. I don't do anything creative or academic anymore. Hygiene is difficult and inconsistent because I struggle to care enough to do it although I feel shame and dread when I think about all the things I don't do. I feel like i started losing myself in highschool. Everything I used to love now feels cringe. Whenever I am asked to describe myself, I ALWAYS think about the past. I used to do this and I used to do that. I don't do anything anymore. Before I quit writing I wrote maybe the best work I have ever written. I couldn't stop rereading the same things and editing my work. Perfectionism made writing unfun and I stopped.

I feel a wall between myself and the rest of the world. I realized this years ago. I feel so anxious and alone when I notice it, but I go back to ignoring it again. The feeling always comes back and I feel almost a sense of dread when it does because I know it will come back.

I don't feel joy when I do anything. I don't feel joy when I accomplish anything. I want to want to try. But I can't get past this feeling that I don't care. I do care and care and care and it's not enough for me to take the steps I always think about. I dont care enough about anything at all. I don't know what to do. I hate myself for this.

I've been wondering if this could be derealization depersonalization disorder or if this is just a mix of mental health symptoms caused by AVPD? I don't think I am super depressed per say. I have a decent life and feel happy sometimes.

Deleting soon.

My boyfriend and I have a child together so unfortunately I'm tied to his family for life.

His family is very extroverted and loud and close. Because of AVPD I get really nervous hanging out with anybody, especially people who are louder and have a lot of energy. My boyfriend is my safe person. It's like most (but not all) of my symptoms just disappear when I'm alone with him. I've tried to branch out and get along with his family but I always end up sitting very uncomfortably and getting worked up with anxiety when I feel "alone". My boyfriend pays a lot of attention to me when we're around people because of that.

I guess his older sister has a problem with it. She needed his help with something and asked him if I'm coming and he said no. She said thank god because he's always too focused on me when I'm around and she didn't think they'd get anything done if I was there. The way she said it felt very pointed. And added an awkward "no offense" which felt even more pointed. I told him I never want to be around her anymore and he understood. This was the DAY after I quit my job because my mental health and anxiety and AVPD symptoms have been so bad lately. It gave me an intense panic attack and also aggravated me so badly, because why in the world would I be coming anyhow? I have a baby to take care of and I never go to her house because I've known for a while she doesn't like me because he has made me a priority in his life and doesn't drop everything for her like he used to.

My mother is friends with his sister's coworker btw. The coworker has told my mother things she (his sister) has said about me and she's tried to spin it so my mother looks like a gossiping liar. This was the day before my baby shower.

It's really hard telling myself "it's not true", and "just because you think it doesnt mean its true" and "your avpd is making you paranoid" when this person actually just doesn't like me. It upsets me a lot but also makes me pissed when somebody doesn't like me, because I do everything I can to stay out of the way. I've tried to be more comfortable around his family, but I can't. I need his support. So if its such a big problem then I won't hang out with his family anymore. Nothing else I can do genuinely.

Anyway. Like I said I'm deleting this. I'm so aggravated. Just had to vent.​​

I have never been good at keeping a job at all. I quit community college multiple times because I can't motivate myself to do anything that I don't have to do.

I think a lot of my problems are in big part caused by my very low attention span and partially caused by executive dysfunction. I have insane trouble building any kind of good habit. If I can quit a job I will. If I can stop doing something that takes effort or makes me uncomfortable I will stop. What the hell is wrong with me? I feel so lazy. I know I need to put active work into fixing my attention span, but can someone with AVPD have a meaningful job? Or any job that might have a bit of pressure? Can I learn to handle pressure and responsibility?? Is it actually possible to use neuroplasticity to rewire your brain that much?

In highschool I was decent at science. I always knew I could do better than I did. One of the only things that really interests me to read about is information about earth science and biology. I spent the last hour reading about flies. I've debated getting an associated degree in biology but I can't imagine myself committing to the program and I can't see myself working an important job. Am I just not the kind of person who can have a scientific career?

I know this probably sounds like a stupid question. "Can a scared lazy bitch get a hard job?" Loll please share your opinion and be brutally honest.​

My AVPD was partly caused by a traumatic public shaming event from my principal in 1st grade, and partly caused by my mother's dismissive and cold behavior towards me that she didn't show to my other siblings.

I think about that principal sometimes. I found a picture of her on google and cried because she looks exactly how I remember her and I never remember anybody very accurately from that age. I hate her so fucking much.

I never thought I was the kind of person who saw myself as a victim. But I DO feel like a victim to her. And I feel like a victim to my mother. I feel like a victim to this disorder. If I had a different mother I might've been a dancer. If I never went to that elementary school I might've gone to college with my friend and gotten a job in film like she did.

I feel so angry all the time. I feel so alone all the time. I'm always feeling like everybody else grew up and I stayed behind but its not my fault.

When I got pregnant I didn't know I had AVPD. I thought my problems were fixable. That if I read enough self help books and worked enough shitty and terrifying customer-interaction jobs then maybe I could learn to function normally like everybody else. I was half-expecting my baby to fix me. I thought I would mature up out of necessity.

My current job is pretty easy and its the best one I've had. I get to work alone for the most part. But the anxiety got me this morning and I had a panic attack and called off the upteenth time. I think I am going to be fired so I'm mentally preparing for it. I want so badly to just never go to work again because I'm terrified of being fired. I always left a job before getting fired. So mortifying and embarassing. I feel lazy and stupid. Being around so many people is too much for me and nobody understands it.

My baby is 6 months old and she deserves the world. If I can't keep a steady job then how am I going to be a good parent? Are there any other parents here by chance?

I wanted to hear from other people with AVPD about this because I've been thinking about it a lot. I started working at 18 and by 21 I'd had at least 8 jobs and quit them all. Never been at a place longer than 6 months. I've had two different jobs that I quit on the first day (one at a daycare and one as a dishwasher) because I deeply felt like my bosses did not like me. I quit a job because I got a warning and I figured they were going to fire me anyway. I just didn't show up for work again.

Then I get anxiety for weeks for quitting like that and burning a bridge and I know I'm throwing away my chance at any kind of job references or the possibility of working there again.

Half the jobs that I've quit I didn't even formally inform my boss. I just didn't show up because I was too nervous to quit.
Work gives me an insane amount of anxiety and makes me feel completely inadequate.

I struggle VERY much with doing things that I don't want to do. I feel immature and stunted. I spent my life feeling like I'm waiting to "grow up" and be more prudent, more comfortable, etc. It sucks. I've never talked to other avoidants before. Hoping someone can relate to this and not judge me.