u/Admirable_Rise_1780

I feel like such a monster. My son who is 9, severe, completely nonverbal was melting down all weekend. My husband and I are usually so patient, but we’re struggling. His meltdowns are so severe and seemingly for no reason lately. We ruled out medical and dental problems. He is attacking his brother, who in turn has started SIB when his brother is having a meltdown. He bit his hand until it bled on Saturday because he was so upset by his brothers meltdown. I had him take a bath because it calms him, and he had already had about 3 meltdowns that day. He was fine in the bath, I let him be in there for about 45 minutes until the water started getting cold because it was the only time he chilled out all day. I got him out and he was fine, I started getting him dressed and he just started screaming in my face, grabbing me and pulling my face in so he could scream nose to nose with me, and pulling my hair. I did something I regret so much. I was just at my breaking point and I grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him. Not hard, but getting his attention. I was hurting and he would not let go of my hair, and I had already calmed him down several times that day but I just couldn’t do it. I cried and shook him and said “please stop” over and over because I just can’t do it anymore. Both boys woke up at 4 am, I was so sleep deprived. It’s no excuse, I can’t even believe I did that because I’ve never put hands on them ever. No spanking or anything like that. I feel like a failure. I have no idea what to do. My husband is against medication, but I feel they are both getting so aggressive and hurting me and each other all the time. They throw things at me, they hit, they scratch and scream in my face. I don’t know what to do. I would never want to hurt my child or shake them like I did, what do I even do? I apologized but he doesn’t have much receptive language so I don’t even know that he knows. They don’t do this to their dad. So he thinks I overreact or stretch what is happening because he doesn’t see it often. Even when he does see it though he just says “he’s just hungry”/ “he’s overwhelmed” and I get it. I don’t want my babies to hurt but I can’t cook any faster and I can’t do anything about this. Sometimes I wish he would fight for me too, that they can’t physically hurt me or something. When they do that he just holds them and tells them it will be okay so I feel like it’s my fault because I don’t get any comfort. I work full time, and the second I get home I start cooking before having even a second to myself because the kids melt down if dinner isn’t done when they get home from ABA. My oldest has no concept of waiting even if he sees me cooking or doing something for him and just screams at the top of his lungs. We’ve had neighbors come over thinking something was wrong. I don’t know what to do. I have been in therapy, but it only does so much. I don’t want to be this parent.