Should I ever reach back out?
To start this off, I’m 30m and he’s 38. We started dating last April and our relationship ended a few days before Halloween. It was pretty much lasted six months on the dot. As far as I was aware, everything seemed great. This was my first seemingly serious adult relationship in the longest time and he was such a fun, caring, and honest guy. I thought we were both in it long-term. We had a perfect level of communication (not too available but also several back and forth a each day) and I was starting to finally feel secure with a partner after so many failed attempts with unrequited interest. On our six-month mark, I told him I loved him. We had a whole date night planned and I was ready to say it because that’s what I felt. I said “you don’t have to say it back if you’re not ready but I wanted you to know how I feel”. All he did with that opportunity was say “thank you. You look really handsome tonight”. It kind of crushed me. Not that I needed him to say it back but he could’ve at least used the moment to explain how he was feeling. Over the next two days, he tried being flirty and act like things were normal, but what tipped me off is that he started delaying communication and when I would ask if something was wrong, he would just say he was busy. Fast forward to two nights after our final date. I asked him for a call and I told him that I was feeling doubtful that he hadn’t really responded to my gesture. I guess he didn’t see us breaking up right then and there but I asked him if anything else had been going on that I wasn’t aware of. He denied anything was happening, but I did ask if it had anything to do with his ex (they dated for 4-5 years and still kept in contact despite living very far from each other). I was generally okay with it given there weren’t any disruptions with our relationship and he seemed interested and committed. But I did bring it up and he pretty much hit me with the “if you had a problem with me being in touch with him, you should’ve said something months ago”. I was just concerned as to why communication had started fizzling and now no “I love you” or “I’m not ready yet but I still want to date”. It made me feel awful. To sum it up, he essentially said he didn’t feel actual love for me despite having a really good time dating. He just turned kinda cold and unemotional and just said “I can’t be in anything serious right now”. No apologies either….he just did the cliche “can we be friends” thing and I said no. How are you going to be my “friend” when you can’t provide basic communication, especially with coming to me about this on your own terms. Why do I have to drag it out of you?
Now I’m not really keen on placing a label on his situation (I.e. he’s an avoidant etc etc) but he also was going through a lengthy DUI process (in which he had to be sober for basically a year) and it had just happened a week prior to us meeting. Also on top of that, his brother had passed away from an overdose about a month prior to his DUI. There was a lot going on.
I partially feel like maybe he needed space as he had just moved back to his friend’s place in his hometown in VA, after living in upstate NY for some time. I’m sure there were and still are a lot of suppressed emotions from these events. But I can’t help but wonder why it happened the way it did. I still care very deeply for him and that relationship was the best I’ve had and so healing in many ways, as I thought I would never find someone before he came along. Despite being deeply disappointed by the ending of it, part of me still really cares for him and misses what we had. And in ways I feel like I could still talk to him and always wish he would just reach out and say something. Apologize. Or just wish me well. SOMETHING.
I did end up blocking him on socials because for me, it’s out of sight out of mind. Not necessarily out of hatred or malice, but I did it for my own peace.
Part of me really wants to reach out and make sure he’s doing okay. I get so existential and always think “life is so short…..I would hate to have not said anything and tried to bury the hatchet in the event that something happens where I never get the chance again”. Sometimes I think that could help me move on and stop having conflicting thoughts about him. But a big part of me just really wishes he would first. Not necessarily that we get back together, but just to break the tension and be on better terms. It really makes me sad despite, trying to move on and I felt compelled to see if this has helped anyone else?