It’s been 2 years since I missed your call and I will never get over the guilt and shame
I was consumed by my own thoughts and grief of losing every support system in my life at the age of 20. I spoke up about something wrong that happened to me and it backfired on me, I was made to be the one at fault and it killed me that I had no one on my side. I picked up and left, ignored everyone for 4 months, every message, every call, every plead. You messaged me and I replied, I thought it’d get you off my back. “When are you coming to see me? I want to show you my new car”. Soon I said. I had no intention of coming back. You called me and I ignored it. Exactly one week later my brother told me you had passed away, in your new car, a crash. I didn’t ignore it. I booked the first train I could to come back, a 5 hour journey, just to be in the same city as your body. We weren’t even allowed to see you until a week later but I found a sense of horrid relief knowing I was closer to you. Or was it my last attempt at redemption. I stayed and endured the worst pain of my life just so I knew I could say my goodbyes, to see you one last time. I know we weren’t blood related, but our bond was one of an older sister and a younger brother. You gave me a sense of purpose and I hoped I’d be someone to lean on. Except I failed in the last week of your life. I keep thinking about how you must’ve wanted to talk to me, wanted a reassurance and a sense that I was proud of you. I was too caught up in my own head to give you what you needed and I’m so sorry. I’ll live with the regret my whole life.