I NEED to turn my life around
My life feels meaningless and empty, and I feel like I am losing in every aspect of my life.
Health: I suffer from hypothyroidism, and also turn to food when life gets shitty (a lot of which I'll be mentioning), which is a terrible combination. I am currently overweight, tired all the time, experience brain fog, etc. etc., so deff failing there. I always go to bed deciding that I will eat better and take care of my health starting tomorrow, and by the time I am back from work, my binge-eating-self-loathing cycle begins again.
Family: My parents are in talks of getting divorced, which is great and should have happened much earlier, but it's pretty messy and I don't know, as an adult, I should probably be dealing with this better, but I am not. It also comes with a lot of uncertainty about finances (not that my father helped with anything, but in terms of assets), how life would be ahead, my prospects of having a normal family in future, etc. My mom isn't taking it well either, and I feel this burden and guilt of not being around as much as she'd want me to be.
Job: I am a teacher, and I have always been pretty good at my job, always loved by students. But these past two months, I feel like I am not doing good enough. I don't feel connected to my students. I am struggling to keep up with deadlines. And I care about work enough that's an additional weight I carry throughout the day, even when I am not at work.
Social life (outside of work because people I work with are much older): Non-existent. I have a couple of good friends, but not where I am staying currently. I would love to have a social life, but I work 9 hours a day, 6 days a week (pretty tiring), and to add to it, I am one of those "introverted until extroverted" kind of people, so I would require even more time and energy to build a good connection. I had a really close internet friend for almost 10 years now, and he is the person I would actually be discussing all of this with, but of late, he is too burdened by his own adult problems, and I guess somewhere down the line, we have also drifted a bit. I also feel very distant from my closest friend from school. Then are again people I would confide in about all this, but they have known what I am going through and never check up or make an effort to keep in touch, so I don't wish to either.
Relationship: I have an amazing, loving boyfriend (LDR). I have always been anxiously attached in EVERY relation of my life (including friendships). I was anxiously attached for the first two years of this relationship as well. But somewhere down the line, for the first time every, I felt secure. Now, he was my major anchor through the day. After work, we'd be on call till we went to bed (ate on video call together, watched shows, etc.). Now, in the beginning of April, he started his own cafe, and is very busy handling his primary job along with his business. So, it's a given that we barely talk. He comes home late at night, we talk for maybe ten-fifteen minutes. Even then he's pretty distracted by his own stuff. I also feel a guilty keeping him up because he has to wake up early for his prima job, so I don't even talk about the things I want to share with him. I am happy for him, inam trying my best to be understanding, but the timing couldn't be worse for me. So now, I am stuck in a loop of fighting with him every night, crying, deciding to do better, only for the next night to be the same.
Bottom line: my life now feels meaningless, stressful and too big of a burden. I never wake up happy or fresh or like I actually want to live another day.
I really need to change something. I feel like everything here is connected, and fixing one thing might help with the others, but I can't find the first thread to tug at.