u/Adventurous-Cut8066

Shiii tbh ion know if I can take this much more… I keep running into the same two options, either keep living like this and just continue to hope for something better or get it over with. My brain just cannot seem to function around people and it isn’t like I’m without all the want and need for connection every else around me has.. I just can’t do it. So, I can’t socialize at all and I get intense debilitating anxiety around people. I can’t keep living like this.. crying every night before going to sleep. At first it was lethargic but now it just hurts so much

My anxiety disorder and obsessional thoughts destabilize me often, extending me outward from others, chaining me to a sorrow that is only known through great strife. At 23 I feel 1,000; old, grey, drowsy. If ever 1,000 I would feel 23; young and hopeless. Lasting constricting thoughts beget a lonesome emotion that fill space where a person should be. Grim Images linger longer than they should in a way that stains me, Hurts me, Holds me. Hailing thoughts of scrutiny break every windshield of composure. I judge myself though I know I am not the one in control here. I fear others judge me because they see I am not in control… and that worries them. Rightly so, it worries me aswell, I continue on worried hopelessly. I’ve cried out for healing to a power I’ve only learned through song, dance, stories. A power I only know through pain. A power that only answers in disguise if at all. To this end, I am fully unaware of what’s to come of me. But, that delivers me a silver lining. As it stands now, I am giving most of what’s within my power to trek on, so that I may feel alive eventually.