u/Adventurous-Deer3934

So I’ve recently gone through an abusive and traumatic event which led to me escaping my parents’ house and going NC with them. It’s been a bit more than a week since this happened. I’ve been living with my bf who’s taking care of me financially as well. Due to unforeseen and unavoidable circumstances, we have had to travel to another city. To save on money, we are staying with bf’s best friend (28M) Adam. Adam has two flatmates, of which one has been around for a while - Sam (35M). Context: my bf has met him twice before. He has been living with Adam for a while, and has shifted to this apartment with him. Today, in the afternoon, I was alone with Sam and while talking to him, he kept insinuating negative remarks about me. When I showed interest in his field of work, he mentioned only people who are “smart enough” can get in and work with people like him repeatedly. My father got brought up in the conversation earlier due to a mutual connection, but I refused to tell him my dad’s name since I’ve just gone NC and do not want any slip up on my location to them. After some time, Sam started lecturing me with NO context on my situation about how family is important and it’s important to maintain relationships with them. He said that parents can never be wrong, but it is always us children. He kept using his own example and was talking about how maturity has shaped this belief for him as he is trying to rebuild the relationship he had with his parents. I respectfully pointed out that while his situation may be like that, some people do not have the luxury to make up with their parents and leave due to safety concerns, and that’s my case and of course, I hold grief about it but don’t think me going NC is wrong. He also made comments around my bf settling for me. He said he didn’t know my name, but knew my bf was going to get married and there was something around an engagement. This is true because we were planning on getting engaged and married but due to events in my personal life impacting both my stability and our relationship, we decided to put that off by some time right now. Sam also went on to tell me how my bf is one of his 4 closest friends. Now, I have heard my bf talk about Sam when he comes to visit Adam. They have smoked up plenty of times in the two times he stayed with Adam before and have also done shrooms together. Also, my bf hung up on me rudely to spend time with Adam and Sam when I was suicidal about 2 years ago which was awful and something we have talked about before.

I was upset and triggered due to these comments and conversation and texted my bf about it. I told him I’ll be leaving to stay with one of my friends in town instead for the rest of the trip (I had plans to go spend some days with them anyway) as I feel disrespected and small here. I gave him a bear bones of what was said to me and told him how it shattered my self esteem especially given how I feel currently. Initially, he agreed that it was wrong and tried assuring me that he thinks I’m “good enough” for him. However, he refused to talk to Sam or do anything about this. He told me to avoid him instead. I have noticed that my bf hardly appreciates me in front of other people lately. He used to do that before, but not so much now. I am a big words of affirmation person and have expressed how much appreciation means to me. I pointed this out and also told him the onus of this was on him since he doesn’t respect or appreciate me in front of his friends which is why they think it’s okay to talk to me in this manner.

He blew up on me and told me that Sam is not his friend which means he does not have to fight for this with him. He told me he does not want to invest his energy in this, and he thinks no one is worth fighting with people over situations like these. I did not want him to “fight for me” as in have a whole blowout argument with this dude. But I wanted him to appreciate me more, and help me draw a firm boundary with this person by bringing up in conversation that I’m going through a serious situation and not escalating it. I wanted him to compliment me in front of his friends more so they treat me better. I told him so and told him this is what I would have done in his place. I asked him to reflect and put himself in my shoes too, to see why this would upset me. He told me my feelings are valid but then started talking about how I have this “need to control how other people see us” and how “not a day goes by without me pulling shit like this.” He called me ungrateful, I called him an asshole and the argument blew up into me telling him I don’t want to be with him anymore because of how he treats me.

I don’t have a place to stay right now, and after our argument I am of course hurt with the things he said, but I am also wondering if I was wrong to call him an AH and blow up on him. I know I am triggered and am going to apologize regardless. But I feel guilty and am second guessing my reaction. Any advice would be appreciated in resolving this and communicating more effectively.

EDIT: Guys I’m currently under therapy. I have been for a while. The reason I’m not independent right now is because my family literally abused me not just verbally, emotionally, physically, and sexually but also financially. Also, I have good work experience and do plan to find a job ASAP. Based on professional recommendations of my psychologist, and prior conversations with my bf (of 4 years) I am staying with him for just a couple weeks as this was an emergency stop gap solution. I have literally just ESCAPED a hell hole. I do not plan to be dependent on him for long and also will be paying him back ASAP. I have experience in a high paying industry, so it won’t even take long.