Waited until marriage to have sex. Ended up in a sexless marriage.
I’m from a fairly conservative Asian country. I’m a woman in her mid-thirties and have been married for 2 years. I dated my husband for a year before marriage.
I was clear about my boundaries regarding pre-marital physical intimacy. Perhaps I was a bit extreme. I did not agree to ever visit his house where he lived alone. So we never really had any truly alone time, where it was just the two of us.
My husband is also Catholic, and as a person, a much better Christian than I am. He’s kind, patient and a good person in general. He however does not subscribe to abstaining from pre-marital sex, although he’s never had sex before either. While he did not understand my belief, he respected it. I know it was frustrating for him but he never forced touch before marriage.
We had an argument a week before our wedding where he said he’d suppressed all of his desires and wasn’t sure if he’d be as keen to have sex as a healthy individual should. Somehow we glossed over this conversation and got married.
After we got married, he initiated sex a few times but I was always too afraid of penetration. Several times I pushed him away from between my legs. Or my thighs would stiffen and I’d just block him out.
I felt horrible. So disappointed and horrible. And although he didn’t voice out anything, I know it was a difficult experience for him too.
Eventually he stopped trying. I was afraid to initiate, because I was not sure I would get anxious at the time of penetration. We just… stopped.
Almost a year after we got married, I was diagnosed with vaginismus. No prior sexual abuse or anything, just the warnings about sex etc that I was taught as a child. Where I’m from, these things aren’t talked about and I’d never heard the condition before. I went to therapy and slowly started getting more comfortable with dilators my therapist prescribed. I still did clench though. I was better but not fully over the fear.
We tried again in November last year. For the first time ever, he was able to penetrate. Just a very little bit in. I still resisted a bit but it was a huge win for me.
And since then, we’ve had no sexual contact. In general post marriage, I’ve mostly been the one to initiate hugs and kisses. He hasn’t. It confused and hurt me.
We spoke about it today. He says he’s faced rejection too many times from me that he doesn’t feel like trying anymore. That the prospect of sex with me feels like a project, where he has to navigate several anxieties about my own fears and trying to calm me down. He says it doesn’t feel natural to him. And that he’s suppressed sexual needs for so long that it’s just part of life for him.
I feel so broken. I’m so lonely for touch. I tried to honour God by not engaging in pre marital relations and can’t help but feel betrayed that this is now my life. I’m envious of couples for whom sex is beautiful and natural.
To make matters worse, during a medical examination a year ago, I was told that I’m likely infertile and that if I wanted children, I’d need to have them as soon as possible.
I love my husband. And I think he still loves me too. He is not interested in couples’ therapy. I don’t know what to do.
I’m hurt and angry and ashamed and so confused.