42 M with 32 F wife, I need some genuine advice. Please help
This is my first time posting, and I literally created this account for this particular advice. But here it goes:
My wife (32 F) and I (42 M) have been married since 2014. We had a whirlwind romance, ignored the age gap, and moved in together after a chaotic but fun first year. I was dealing with heavy alcoholism and relapses back then, and things came to a head when she caught me drunk, sharing a kiss behind some stairs with a female friend. It caused a massive fight, but it was the wake-up call I needed. I dried out, got clean, and proposed.
Four months into wedding planning, we found out she was pregnant. We mutually agreed she’d stay home with the baby. A few years later, I lost my job and decided to follow a dream of working remotely to be closer to our oldest. She supported me and took a subpar staffing job so I could pursue this. It paid off- I ended up landing contracts with some really important companies making great money. She eventually shifted into private in-home health, but when she got pregnant with our second in 2021, her pregnancy was high-risk. Between that and some issues with a patient's family, we decided she had saved enough and I made plenty, so she should come back home for good.
A year after our second was born, I lost my contracts again, which happens in my line of work. I decided it was time to finally start my own business. That was over three years ago. Since then, the economy has crashed, my industry isn't getting attention, and the business hasn't launched. We’ve been surviving entirely on credit, selling off items, and heavy financial support from one specific family member.
The stress at home is intense. Our oldest has severe mental health and behavioral issues that require constant calls with the school, and our youngest is special needs with extreme attachment issues. My wife handles the bulk of the day-to-day-meal planning, grocery shopping, appointments, cooking, and cleaning. I also got four dogs a while back meant to protect the property, but they just take up space, one killed our cat, and two terrorize the neighbors, and neither of us has time to train them. To try and help, my wife started a modest from home business, but it barely brings in anything.
For the past 18 months, I've been drowning in "failure guilt." I feel like I've ruined my chances of working for myself, but the thought of giving up and working a regular, corporate 9-to-5 makes me feel like I'd rather "leave this rock," if you catch my drift. My wife is great at organizing and scheduling and keeps trying to get me on track, but it just triggers a shame cycle for me and I end up taking to the bed for days. I am medicated for this, but it's hard to pull out of the funk.
Recently, our main supporting family member told us they are completely exhausted and cannot help us financially anymore. Today, a mild to moderate issue happened in the house, and my wife completely crumbled and started crying from the stress. Honestly, I've never been receptive to people crying, so I told her to stop because it wasn't going to help. She said she just needed some change for the better for once.
I snapped a bit and told her, "Then I guess go get a job, because I can't do this alone and I'm not going to."
I know she prides herself on her role as a homemaker and hasn't faltered at it, even pushing through a life-threatening illness and emergency surgery a couple of years ago to care for the house. But I'm drowning here. Before this happened, I had been talking to the family member who supports us, and they completely agreed with me that she needs to work. When I told my wife that, she completely lost her temper and cussed both me and the family member out. I left to take a drive and help that family member with something to give us both space.
I don't think I'm wrong for bringing this up. I can't carry this financial burden alone anymore, even if the kids have high needs. Why is she reacting like I'm the bad guy for suggesting she contribute financially when we are completely broke? At first I didn't think she was right to cuss us out. Now I'm not sure. I don't even know what she said to the other family member, just that I know she did it because they confirmed it. They told me she said that no one is paying any attention to everything that she has done to try and keep us afloat and keeping the kids functioning the best that she could.
I know that the kids need her. I know that they should be with her. I know that I probably shouldn't have even said that to her. I know she is resenting me for dragging my heels. I know I've made excuses and constantly have to apologize for my actions. I know she is tired of this. I know that I need help. I know that I owe her so much for all she's done these years and this year alone. I feel like the a-hole. I feel like I'm a loser, even when she tells me that I'm not. It's not like she doesn't have her faults. She has PTSD from things in her teenage years, I don't feel is appropriate to speak about without her consent, she also has anxiety, and OCD and I also suspect she may have autism that's undiagnosed, and she didn't disagree but we just kind of left it at that. She got some money from a close friend this year for her birthday, and she spent it on things for our children and our chickens. She didn't buy herself anything. She told me not to buy her anything, and didn't want anything for mother's day because knew we needed money for other things. I still borrowed money to buy her something. I feel like a dick but there is some truth in what I said. I don't know how to proceed further and I could use some non judgmental but true advice.