Are my sexual expectations unreasonable?
I realize a lot more background is probably needed and I might make a longer post about this later but here goes.
Me (32M) and my fiancé (36M) have been together for 5.5 years. Sex (or lack there of) has been a challenge since the beginning. Neither one of us were good about communication or expressing our needs/desires and we never fought so everything must be good, right? /s
Every so often I would bring up the topic of having sex and it would always be that he was trying to work through his issues about it. I would push my needs/desires down and try to be patient in knowing that it would come eventually and that he just needed time.
Months turned into years and I kept giving myself deadlines for if we didn’t start doing x by this date then I would break up but there kept being glimpses of hope and I really wanted to be with him so I would continue things.
Prior to him, I always considered myself to be a top with potential for verse for the right person. The only thing I always did say was that not being able to top was a deal breaker for me. There is a lot more to add between then and now but long story short we eventually started doing oral and then after a lot of tries (maybe once every couple months) he let me top him every once and a while.
Sex was still not often. Best case once a week if I pushed for it but he could easily go for weeks if not months without any sort of sex. (I did find out later that he was jerking off).
Since then he started topping me on occasion with some help (cialisis for the win) and has even been able to a couple times without it.
I stopped topping him about six months ago because he can’t enjoy it at all and I don’t want to fuck someone that is just trying to “get through” it. It’s not fun and I don’t think is fair to either of us. Impact of that on our relationship is TBD.
For me sex is very important and is a fundamental to why I want to be in a relationship. It makes me feel closer to you, it’s fun, relieves stress, etc and I have found that the lack of it really affects my mood and feeling close to him. I have shared this many times.
We will make some progress in this department every once and a while (usually after I’ve gotten upset about my needs not being met) and we might even have sex twice a week for a bit before it goes back to once a week max.
The last week I’ve been feeling so lonely, upset and angry about this and every time we go to bed next to each other and he kisses me goodnight and cuddles me it makes me even more upset that this is what our life together is and that he gets the thing he wants/needs (cuddling and sleeping next to each other) and I’m stuck here feeling like my needs don’t matter and that sex isn’t even a thought in his head.
I’m so tired of having to reiterate the importance of it to me and it feels selfish to me to not do something that would improve your partner’s mood or just make them happy. (Assuming there aren’t medical reasons to not). I can’t really put myself in his shoes but I would like to think that I would do anything to make his life better.
Anyway, are my expectations just unreasonable? Happy to hear any and all thoughts from the limited information I’ve provided.
P.S. we are starting couples counseling soon.