r/AskGaybrosOver30

I'm 38. Dude has 30 as his age in his grindr profile only showing torso. He sends face pic wearing sunglasses at the best angle possible.

He shows up and looks kinda how I thought except obviously not 30. My d couldn't even get hard. I help him get off. He leaves. He messages me his number. I Google search and bro is 43.

Why do men do this? I'm 38. I do tend to be attracted to dudes a little younger (who isn't) but Ive been with older dudes before (42ish).

I guess I should have asked for a clearer face picture. And going forward, I'm going to ask dudes how old they are and if they're lying. Even if their pics are indicative (could be old pics). And I'm saying nah if they don't look their age. (I guess I have a good eye for this). Not because they're older, but because they lie.

Do any of you bros lie about your age on grindr? If so, why???

Getting ready for a date and I can already tell that we have completely different lifestyles. Plus there’s a family component. Dude wants to bring the guy he’s with into his family. I don’t want that necessarily also don’t want to bring or really introduce my family for so many reasons until way later.

I’m used to the attraction bit getting in the way but this time it’s feeling kind of shitty knowing its probably not gunna work out even though there’s the attraction.

How can I communicate my lifestyle better? Like I don’t really have one that fits the typical I got a career a make enough money to live in the city I’m in and enjoy my career. I know I’m not a lone when I say this but a lot of people my age don’t have a lot going on - I’m aware though there are a lot of people who do. But I’m literally playing catch up.

I have hobbies. future business plans. I’m fit. I’m studying and moving in the direction of a new career. I kind of want to meet someone who’s on the move but also going through what I’m going through.

Maybe I just communicate that?

I knew a guy from 2016-2018 in the Los Angeles area. I met him through Grindr when he was advertising himself as a cumdump in a hotel. 10 years later here in 2026 I was scrolling through YouTube last week and saw a video about him on a channel called DearlyDepartedTours His name was Chris Burrous and it feels so weird seeing a video I knew about someone at the place we met years ago.

I’m a shy guy in 30s (could be a bottom) who can’t get into sex without the emotional connect. But I find myself chasing shortcuts to satisfy the bodily needs.However, I’m average looking and always chicken out when I get closer to the moment(— like I’ve been to bathhouses and cruising spots but did literally nothing) .What is the internal phobia I’m dealing with? Neither do I courageously experiment nor do I move on. I’m just stuck in the cycles with no action of any sort.

Attracted more and more to nudism lately.

Curious to know how other guys got started with social nudism. Any groups you'd recommend joining?

Has anyone been through something similar?

I'm a m34 and two months ago my boyfriend m31 ended our relationship. We had entered the relationship with the intention of eventually getting married, so it wasn't casual for either of us.

Before the breakup, we were supposed to meet after a month and a half of him visiting his extended family abroad, so we decided for me to take Monday off to have longer time together so he can travel from his city to mine, and for him to work saturday to have monday off and travel on saturday night by bus, despite his ability to join a badminton game at the same night of him landing from an international flight the weekend before, he said due to the bad weather on Saturday, I didn't wanna give him a solution because I wanted him to offer to come the next day, but he asked to come the next weekend, I felt sad and not as prioritised, I expressed my feelings about it in a calm town that may have a bit of disappointment because I really missed him, and I expressed that to him too, he said he understands why I think this is not ideal and he will contact me later to make it work, only to have contact cut for 5 days until he sent me a breakup message.

His breakup message wasn't angry or blaming. He said he wasn't emotionally ready for a committed relationship, that he tends to isolate when overwhelmed, that he's still working on himself (including managing ADHD), and that he couldn't consistently give me the kind of relationship I deserved. He repeatedly said I hadn't done anything wrong and that the breakup was about where he was emotionally.

I still love him deeply and have been grieving ever since. Recently I had a nightmare that he had moved on with someone else, and I realized I'm still carrying a fear of being replaced or forgotten. I even reached out once to check if he was okay after a bad dream, and he responded kindly, by saying " Hey! No worries at all, feel free to message if it's anything concerning.

But yes, I'm doing just fine. Thank you for checking!"

The hardest part is that I keep wondering whether I overwhelmed him by wanting reassurance, affection, and consistency, or whether the breakup really was about his own readiness.

For people who have been through something similar,

How did you stop replaying the relationship in your head?

Did you eventually stop wondering whether your ex regretted leaving?

What actually helped you move forward instead of just waiting and hoping?

Looking back now, what do you wish someone had told you two months after your breakup?

I don't usually post anything related to myself online, I tend to deal with things on my own, but today I feel very defeated and alone in this, I don't feel my friends, though I love them dearly, understand how it feels. Please let me know if you needed more context, I'm more than happy to be transparent and share any info just to not think about this anymore.

I live on a sailboat 7 months of the year in the Caribbean, traveling between different islands. The other 5 months, I live in a conservative middle America state.

In every port, I seem to meet someone who's interesting to me and seems interested in me. Good conversation, nice genuine guys, polite, handsome, we talk and have a good time together, good sex, etc. Most of the guys I'll spend multiple weeks hanging out with, so it's not just like a one time/one day thing. I'm sure part of it is the excitement of a new guy, infatuation period, etc. After I leave, I keep in touch with all of them, talking most days, FaceTiming, etc. Some of them have expressed that they miss me, want more, etc.

When I'm back in my home base state, I meet guys. Most of them too young for me, the rest, I just don't click with. They've never left the state, have close minded views of the world, use drugs, don't take care of themselves, etc.

I live an amazing life and I'm extremely lucky and grateful for the ability and experience to live this way. My socials are full of beautiful pictures in amazing places. I was at SF Pride this last week and some random guy came up to me at a bar, said he follows me on instagram and commented about how amazing my life is. He's responding to a highlight reel of my life, a curated version of myself.

When I think back over the past couple years and look at the experience and places, it makes me so happy. When the day is over though, I'm lonely and depressed because I can't find LOVE.

I know my life needs to change, my boat is for sale, I'm searching for the next version of myself. Something more "anchored". Part of me doesn't want to give up my lifestyle. I have to decide what's more important to me; the freedom, or the partner.

So my question for the bros... Is it crazy to give it all up, move to Guadalupe, Dominican Republic, St Kitts, etc and try to make it work with one of the port boys or should I anchor myself somewhere more reasonable (SF, LA, Baltimore, Philly, etc)?

I mean.. it’s been around for long enough that you’d think it would be a non-subject, also it’s not life threatening, there are ways to lower transmission and outbreaks, over 50% of people have HSV1, so why do I notice many posts about it recently on Reddit ?

*Not trying to start a debate or a fight, genuinely curious :)

Struggling to find my place in the LGBT+ community

Hi, I’m 32 Male. On the autistic spectrum and I have ADHD.

Honestly all my life I have really struggled to fit in. My experience as a gay man in my 20s has been disappointing and full of rejection. I’ve struggled to make a connection with someone.

Don’t get me wrong, some reasons are my own fault and I am learning not to repeat my mistakes I made in my 20s. Examples include being too much for people, a tad obsessive, texting people too much and being very anxious. (I’m on ritalin now and it really helps calm me down!). But also have been in therapy to work on myself.

Luckily I did manage to find out more about myself in my 20s. I am very kinky and have been getting more involved in the kink scene (Pup play etc). I like the whole non-monogamy vibe where i can have sex with friends and it’s not weird. I see a lot of people do it. Because I enjoy it and I felt I have had a lot more success in meeting more people compared to the general LGBT+ community.

I’ve recently moved to a new city early this Spring. Main reason is the kink community there is very big and active there. (Plus I got a new job in that city which is going really well atm). In the hopes to meet more people.

Luckily I know a few friends there. But i feel I am falling into the same trap in my 20s now. I’ve been hanging out with some of them more but I feel as time goes on. They don’t particularly enjoy spending time with me? (I’m starting to notice it more with their faces or when they make more of an effort with others compared to me). Like they always so kinky sessions with other people in the group but if I suggest if anyone wants to do anything with me, i just get left on read or if it’s in person. What i just said doesn’t get acknowledged.

I don’t want to question them about it because i don’t think it’ll go well?

I have been trying to meet new people by going to kink events (there are several different ones per month). But i struggle with making conversation which I think I need to work on.

I love living where I am. I also love my new job. So those aspects of my life have improved.

I would like a partner one day but i don’t think that will happen. But I want to make many friends in the kink scene and if something happens organically where it develops into a relationship, I think that is more likely to happen than going on dating apps. (They are so terrible ugh).

Even if a relationship doesn’t happen, having quality friends would make a big difference. People who actually want me around that i feel a connection too

I’ve been going to the gym more so i can be more fit and it’s good for my mental health.

I don’t suppose if anyone has any advice on what else I could do? I don’t want to struggle like this in my 40s. 😅

(I really hope my post makes sense 👀)

I’m looking for help with when and how to disclose. So backstory, I dated a shitty guy in my 20s, one of the many things he did was go down while he had a cold sore. He told me he got them but I was under the impression it was gone because it had been a few weeks, he assured me it was no longer contagious. I felt weird about it but I had lower self esteem back then and was constantly worried about his outbursts when he didn’t get his way so I let him do it and a few weeks later I had an outbreak on my ass. He kept telling me I could have always had it and there was no way of knowing who gave it to me. He was the only guy I had been with so I always knew it was him. He had also accused me of giving him chlamydia and gonorrhoea during the relationship but again I hadn’t ever been with anyone before him, it was clearly from the cheating I later found out about. I only ever had the one outbreak, 3 years ago, got it confirmed by a doctor that it’s what I had, but it never came back and I don’t take medication for it.

Anyways we broke up a while ago and I did a lot of work on myself and I’m ready to start dating again. I don’t really hook up, I don’t want to infect other people but also don’t want to catch anything else incurable. I want to date and eventually have sex. Im neurodivergent and not always clear on social cues and norms and I am not sure what point to disclose to a person, or how to even go about it. Any tips would be appreciated as I feel it would be good to be honest with people I am dating (I would hate to ever give them something without them knowing the risk, and I would also hate to tell them like a year in and have them get mad they never knew I was putting them at risk) anyways, let me know your thoughts for how early on to disclose, how to even go about it?

Really hoping for guidance right now. I have been spiraling down since my hsv-2 diagnosis a month ago. I feel so disgusting and ashamed of myself. I can’t put this feeling away. Ever since contracting it I have been an emotional mess/ crying. Before I would actually say I was pretty emotionless. I know this is a side effect of hsv. It feels like everything is hitting me in my life.

I have no friends/ no community. I try going to gay bars but I just end up staring into space for a few hours and feel like im just embarrassing myself. I can’t initiate a conversation and if I do (rarely) it doesn’t go well or its with someone double my age. I leave the bar feeling like everyone hates me for being drudy (I didnt talk to anyone but the bartender). I would like to focus on making gay friends as I feel girl friends disappear when they find their person and settle.

I come from a very unaccepting family who mourns me for being gay. Theres still love so cutting them off isnt what I want to do but talking to them without hearing how everyone else is married with kids or I’m going to hell would be nice but unrealistic. I also am overworked and underpaid at my job and live pay check to pay check so cant even dive into materialistic things.

I have spent the last year diving into self help/ rewiring the brain for a positive outlook but I cant help but feel like Im always pretending im okay when Im not. I’ve called hotlines and leave the worst than I entered. I miss my ex. I think about reaching out every day. Even though we ended the relationship in love. The way I navigated my homophobic parents ended up being too much and he moved away when I didn’t let him move in. But its been 2 years I have enough respect for him to not. I miss having my rock. And I’m probably on the spectrum. I need professional help and am trying to find a psychiatrist. I have been postponing psychiatric care because I felt like it hasn’t help me before. But its clear I don’t have things under control. The only thing that helped me was adderall but I stopped taking it when I lost 40lbs because I care more about gym goals than my mental health I guess. I’m tired of waking up and I’m tired of fighting myself... How can I get back up?

Edit: one more thing I have not had sex since my diagnosis. I used my sexcapades for intimacy. I told my fwbs and they have all blocked me. Hurts but I understand. Truthfully my sex drive has disappeared since infection.

Sooo I recently found out my bf is a size queen, never really knew before and now it's kinda messing with my head. Any suggestions on what to do or how to approach it?

Okay, want some advice on how I can approach this or what others think or if anyone else was in a similar situation.

My partner and I of 10 years both in our 30s, we have a house together and a pet, so we’re pretty settled in 😅We’re both working full time, I work from home full time and they go to work everyday. We’re both the kind of people that are very chill and don’t really argue that much.

They don’t have a very hi libido, and their love language isn’t physical touch but and I’m the opposite, love language is physical touch and very high libido. We have intimate times that usually involves foreplay and oral and mutual jerking (not a lot of penetrative sex) however not often at all (sometimes twice in a month, sometimes ones sometimes it can lapse a couple of months - I take care of myself a lot). Any who, for a bit now I feel like I keep looking and wanting more from him. Like cuddles, touch, kisses and more spontaneity (everything just happens in the bedroom, at night, lights out before bed). I just want some excitement and feel sought after or that he’s attracted to me.

We’ve had conversations in the past about this and said they’d try more but after a while something comes up and the stress levels and focus goes towards that and things stops - they’re very busy at the moment with other work related development that’s taking up a lot of their time so I’m fine with that as the priority. But after that how do I reframe this again? I feel like I’m asking him to change his personality and I don’t want that. I kinda just want to meet half way and don’t feel like we’re room mates.

To add to the above, we don’t really talk about sexual desires (he’s awkward about it - I’ve tried), what turns him on except for the usual when we do it together.

Any advice or anyone else in LTRs been in this situation? Is this pretty much what it’s going to be liked forever?

Bros, I am here (again…) to ask for your tough love / reality checks here.

TL;DR — Broke up with my boyfriend 8 months ago. Had a failed reconciliation attempt 4 months ago. I have been agonizing over the relationship since and can’t seem to move forward. I believe it’s because I still have hope it’s salvageable and we may get back together. How can I convince myself it’s truly over and the only way is forward?

—-

I’ll preface by saying I’m in therapy and have been working on myself. I’m socializing with friends and family, staying on top of work, exercising 6 times a week, aka all the “right” things I’ve heard.

Had my first ever breakup 8 months ago. Failed reconciliation attempt 4 months ago. I have the full story in my previous posts, but it was overall because he was an alcoholic and refused to discuss it.

Ever since the breakup, I’ve analyzed the relationship dry. Wondering things like where I could’ve said things more eloquently so he would’ve been convinced to work with me, whether I may have been hurtful to him asking for too much, whether I should get back in contact to say the “perfect paragraph” that will convince him we should have a chance together. I’ve been spinning for all these months trying to analyze things, blaming myself for mistakes, wondering how I can fix things, etc…

When I broke no contact a few weeks ago (was drunk and sad), he told me that he is still the same person and that I should move on. Then he left me on read. This makes me believe he’s not nearly agonizing over things like I am, else he’d probably have wanted more dialogue. If he’s moved on — or at least, not interested in trying again — then I feel foolish being the only one at the table still.

In fact, I’m the one who ended reconciling those 4 months ago because he showed up drunk. I truly don’t want the relationship like it was, but I’m devastated that he wouldn’t work with me on addressing the drinking. I’m wondering what else I can say to make this point clear to him.

My attachment is even at the point where I worry that, if I do find someone else in the next years, then if my ex ever does want to reconcile and he finds out I’ve been dating, he’ll be upset with me for having moved on.

Anyway, I am intellectually aware that I’m keeping the relationship alive in my mind by analyzing it, by thinking there must be a silver bullet somewhere that I can use to fix things — I’m trying to find where it’s my fault so I can fix it… I also feel like moving on is hard because my loyalty is bound to my ex at the moment… Moving on would mean that I have accepted the relationship is truly over. But that’s so difficult!

I feel akin to Dr. Frankenstein: trying anything possible to revive something that’s dead.

So I ask you all here, please: How have you moved on in the past? How did you convince yourself it’s over? I want to do so, but… It’s so difficult. I don’t want to be stuck at the table forever, but I feel bound by analyzing the past and by my love & loyalty to my ex.

I hope I’ve articulated my situation clearly. Thank you in advance for any of your thoughts.

Hey guys … kinda going through an emotional mess with my return to dating in my 30’s.

I (32) started talking to a guy (25) on an app. I never hook up due to a need for emotional intimacy first and this is always stated and clear on my bio / first few conversations. He was also way too young for me which I had expressed to him - but he was kinda aggressive in his pursuit and I was interested .

He messaged me and we hit off. He was so my type- but his profile was DL and he actually brought up that even though we want different things he enjoyed talking to me . We ended up sexting and that turned into every day talking - to the point where I asked if he wanted to meet me.

He was dropping heavy stuff like ‘ I wanna go away with you’ from early on and it was amazing since we both have very niche interests .

I asked him flat out if we should stop talking because I wasn’t looking for something casual and that maybe we weren’t a match. The next day we met for dinner and had an amazing date. I noticed he wore a silver ring and asked about the ring. He said he was not married etc.

We subsequentially had a movie date the next day and the chemistry was off the charts. Kissing - holding each other - he was very sensitive to my needs in regard to not going crazy with physical touch. Sexual intimacy is very hard for me.

We had a few more dates and then he actually came to my place and met my mother. We had dinner and just hung out . It was really great.

A beach date where he held my hands and walked with me for miles.

I would meet him from his train after his work and we would just talk about nonsense and kiss. He would say ‘ I just need to see you tonight’

During a shopping date he told me he was nervous about me being on the dating app and was scared to see that I would be online. I told him I felt the same way and that I was only talking to him and that I was invested. He admitted he was very interested and can be possesive. Still didn’t have his cell number yet . Kept grabbing my hands in the store and kissing playfully.

He finally gave me his cell number after he met my mom. He wouldn’t give it to me at my house - made me wait to get it from him on Grindr. Not sure if it’s his work phone or what.

We had a date Friday( last night) going to antique places. He overslept and ended up picking me up and we went thrifting and had dinner. Really amazing time super attentive and playful with me- holding my hands etc.

After dinner It came up that last year a guy had kinda used me as a situationship , and I found out too late that he was using me just for the sex. This is when my guy dropped the bomb:

**1.**He’s moving away from our hometown to go back to where he has a full time job in his industry and an apartment

**2.** He’s part of a poly relationship and he wanted to make me aware because he knows that I want a conservative relationship . This was after 6+ dates.

I knew something was off and told him it was okay - but that I can’t be that way.

He asked if I had ever thought of it and I made it very clear that I cannot operate that way. I essentially said that when I have a partner they are my world and I don’t share that. I don’t need anybody else except them .

I told him I was angry but I’m understood. I cried - he cried.

He told me that even in that moment ‘ he was very serious about me - and wanted to sweep me off my feet- even take me back to his other home and have me be there’ .

I laughed and asked him if he meant for me to be part of his commune. How can that be serious?

I’m devastated. The connection- chemistry- everything seemed too perfect. I knew he was keeping a secret but I didn’t think it was this.

I don’t understand how he can say he’s serious about me and want to work to sweep me off my feet - while wearing a ring on his finger that symbolizes some poly relationship he has .

I feel empty . Kinda played. I’m 32 and I haven’t dated seriously since a very bad breakup. This was my first foray back in a while and I feel unwell.

He swore to me that I wasn’t a summer fling and that he didn’t know he would feel the way he did .

My best friend says I should enjoy the weeks we have left and ignore it because he’s leaving. But it hurts my heart so much to know that I’m one of god knows who. I can’t understand how he can express what he’s saying in a truthful manner.

He asked me if ‘ everything needs to be planned ‘ . I said that I wasn’t trying to marry him but it seems like he dangled the carrot and yanked it away with his admission because he isn’t even available the way I need.

I don’t know. I’m feeling very scorched earth. He’s been texting me today and I’ve been kinda frosty. Caught between blocking him entirely or discussing having whatever we can in the next month and having a stupid fling. Obviously my morals are conflicted .

I don't really know if this is the right community to post this but I need some advice? I think I fell for a romance scam on TikTok. This guy started to follow me, I followed him back. Then we started messaging each other. All of this happened in the span of four days. He said he was 21 new to social media and wanting to meet some friends possibly a relationship. Im 41 and never been in a relationship. His age turned me off. I always liked older guys and fought him saying I just wanted to be friends. He was very persistent.

Looking back there were signs like he wanted to chat on WhatsApp, had some difficulty with English (but he said he was half italian). His phone number is a Montreal phone number even though he said he lives in the same state. He explained this by saying he got the phone when he was living with his aunt there.

He always wanted to know everything about me but was skimpy on the details about him. I fell hard like really hard and turned a blind eye to this. No matter what I said or as intense my feelings got I couldn't run him off. He said it showed how deep our love was.

He also sent me a nude pic which he looked slightly different than his TikTok pics. There are other things but what broke it off was this. He said his dad before dying left him 150,000 dollars in an offshore bank account something to do with Russian oligarchs. He couldn't get it until 2030 and the bank was closing down. So he wanted me to call this number and have it sent to me. When I said It sounded like a scam he exploded. Instantly he deleted the particular comments about the offshore bank. I couldn't get him to respond. I deleted the WhatsApp app.

This morning he sends me messages on TikTok saying let's talk and unblock me on WhatsApp. I just deleted my TikTok because I don't want to see or hear from him ever again. I guess my question is is it at all possible that I wasn't scammed? Could he find me and stalk me? I sent him a selfie of myself fully clothed so he'd know what I looked like.

I did not tell him my phone number or address. I wanted to call him but was still uncertain. I'm very insecure. I weighed 400 lbs most my adult life but am now 200. Wad I scammed? Am I stupidest closeted middle aged guy on planet Earth?

Around a year ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years, and around March of this year I started having sex with my best friend. We're long distance with him living in LA and me in NY

We first met up on vacation in Spain for a week and it was a dream come true in a lot of ways. We were obviously excited to have sex with each other and we did so pretty much every day. Sex with him is really great and he has a lot more experience than I do, and he's just in general very good at it

I'm the top, and one consistent issue has been that I've never been able to make him cum. I've really tried--I love facesitting and have rimmed him for over an hour, we've had sex for 90 minutes at a time at points, I listen to him and take feedback, and he's just reassured me that it's fine and that it usually takes a lot for him to cum

He would also initiate a lot during this vacation, at one point blowing me in the middle of the night while I was sleeping

He recently lived with me in NY for 40 days and during that entire period we had sex about six times. I also had to initiate all but one time. This is really hard for me because I'm insanely attracted to him and there are so many different sexual experiences I want to try with him, but they're so sparse that we never really get to do them. I've also tried to stop jerking off in general and only bring my sexual energy to people, but I've had to start jerking off again because I was getting to be too horny for him

I've been staying with him in LA for about 2 weeks, and we only had sex once during this time. We finally talked about it and he just said his libido has been really down and that in past relationships he only had sex with his boyfriend about once a week. I'm frankly a little suspicious of this answer given how much we've talked about his sex life when we were friends, and how much more we were having sex in Spain. But I've been trying to not mind-read and just accept people's words, so I'm believing them

He's given me permission to have sex with other people, but I don't really want that. I just want to have sex with him more

I've also told him that we don't need to have sex that often, I just want to feel desired. I want to make out naked more, or do other sexual things that doesn't have to be penetrative or oral sex. He said he would try, but nothing has changed. Usually when I try to initiate something like that, he pulls away from me which is devastating. I also have a pretty big foot fetish and have said that he can just let me smell his feet while I jerk off and he doesn't let me do that either

I guess in general I'm very frustrated because in past relationships I just gave, gave, gave. And whenever someone asks me for something, I did it. Whenever I see an activity makes my partner happy, I want to do it with them. And I never really get it in return, and it seems like that pattern is repeating itself

I leave LA in two days and I'm considering asking if we can have sex one more time, but it just feels kinda humiliating. I feel stuck in a no-win situation where if he has sex with me because he feels obligated to, then it'll make the sex a very negative experience. But if I initiate and get rejected, then it just really hurts...

Aside from the sex, the relationship has been amazing. We have a lot in common, we get to travel to see each other, he's very affectionate and sweet and always wants to hold my hand, or give me some sort of PDA

I feel like at the very least we should be talking about sex again before I go. To me the mismatched libidos is less of an issue than him seeming to be unwilling to come to any compromise about it. So I don't know what to do, because I'm also afraid of shattering this status quo we've built

I've had two friends show me his profile and photos he has sent unknowingly to my friends blank profiles! My friends were horrified and told me with the expectation that I'd end the relationship immediately. I was upset, I felt sick when I found out. However, it was also clear that he wasn't actually meeting these guys. He seemed to be using Grindr just like watching porn when having a wank. A few dirty messages and photos back and forth and that's it.

Am I mad for accepting this? We are NOT in an open relationship, and if he met /slept with someone else then I'd end it. He does have a higher sex drive than me and I know I don't satisfy him in that context, so I do feel like it's 'unfair' that I deny him sex and then monitor what he does when he had a wank.

This is something I’ve been curious about for a long time and wondering if others can relate.

Growing up until I was about 12 I never had any indication that I was anything other than straight. At some point around then I stumbled onto some gay content and was surprised that it aroused me quite a bit.

I had a bunch of insecurity and denial from that point and over the next 10 years had a few encounters with men. First at 15 just kissing and oral sex, then around 18 doing the same and then around 20 when I finally had full penetrative sex with a man. All of them now are kind of blurs like my brain was blocking the memory, I really can’t recall many details of any of them.

Fast forward a decade and I worked a lot to accept myself and finally revisited being with a man when I was ready to not feel shame and just embrace it. I then met and hooked up with another guy where we did everything and I was enthusiastic about it with him. I felt no insecurity or shame after but I did leave feeling like the idea of it in my head was more satisfying than the reality.

That was 5 ish years ago. I’m happily married to a woman now and our sex life is amazing. We have a D/s dynamic where she is in control so there’s a lot of pegging and other things that put me in the bottom position. And I think I’ve realized that’s what I really always enjoyed.

Thing is, I’ve never been romantically attracted to men. I don’t ever recall having much of a crush and even being able to spot men that are good looking I feel I can’t. I enjoy the submissive nature of bottoming a lot though, to the point that I still watch gay porn often. But it’s almost like the fantasy is better than the reality? Not that the reality wasn’t good but it just was a little different than what I’d always expected. It’s like I enjoy gay porn but prefer straight sex if that makes sense.

I guess I’m wondering if other men find themselves in a similar situation. I would consider myself bisexual but heteroromantic

TLDR: After being lonely all my life (personal choice), want to date again after 37. Are people as superficial as the general mid to late 20s, which has been the experience talking to people on apps 10 years ago, and also seems like social media that displays gay people or couples that are all about their perfect bodies and looks?

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Whenever I give up social media, I have a better perspective of myself. I find that I don't obsess "as much" about my looks and that I find myself to look decent. whenever I watch reels of people with perfect hair, very fit bodies etc, I just hate everything and everyone out of anger and comparison. I do have body issues (even though I look normal) and constantly compare myself to other men, because I don't look like what I find attractive. I am attractive in my own ways and terms, but what I find attractive in other men are different (just an example, not necessarily real: let's say I am brunette (decent looking) but I find blonde guys attractive and I hate that I am not blonde, if that makes sense). The problem is I shouldn't be doing this at this age, I'm almost 37, and I am still devastated that I have balded a lot over the past few years and I look bad with a buzzcut or anything, so I will just go get a hairsystem not necessarily to "up my game" but it's just what I identify with as to the type of person I feel like. Like, I don't identify with the bald tough guy look, but I know some guys look amazing like that if they choose to do so, and I can find those guys attractive - just not something I identify with for myself and my looks.

Anyway, after being lonely all my life in the date department due to not putting myself out there, and nearing 37, I am tired of being lonely. Now, I said I'm tired of being lonely, but I will not settle out of desperation; but I want to begin exploring the dating scene again, this time being more mature and having clear expectations from a partner. Right off the bat, not into random s*x, hookup, none of that. I want to meet a nice person, spend time together and see where it goes. Indeed, I want to just enroll in activities and hobbies to meet people naturally because I absolutely HATE the idea of apps where it feels like I'm just marketing myself to be liked. I just hate it.

Anyway, Is the dating better over 37? Looking to meet someone around my age or older, does that make it any easier. Outside of social media, are people less shallow? I'll be honest, I am not going to deny the fact that looks are important to me. But I don't need to have someone with a six pack or anything, not as obsessed about those things.