r/AskGaybrosOver30

Had a bad experience going to a gay sauna bathhouse with my boyfriend. He's very experienced at this kind of thing over many years while this was only my second time.

I have a chronic illness that randomly affects my sensitivity and ability to get an erection. I had an episode while at the sauna and I persevered for nearly 3 hours but my mood and sex drive cratered so I decided to leave. What made matters worse is my boyfriend proceeded the whole time as though nothing was wrong continuing to play with numerous guys and even when I told him I was leaving he couldn't pull himself away for long enough to see if I was okay.

It took an hour and a half after I left to be concerned enough to contact me and seemingly only because he sniffed some amyl and it gave him a headache.

Am I overreacting being pissed? Our relationship isn't fully open. We only play outside the relationship when both are present.

So, in the past year I’ve been back on the apps (Grindr, Scruff, Hinge) and it’s painful how hard it is to get any kind of conversation flowing. It often feels like I need to lead and carry, or I’m just up front asked questions that are redundant and unsubtle it’s like being shouted at by horny teenagers.

Example, 2am in the morning texts from faceless profile “Do you like getting rimmed?”. Well yes, but my profile already has that information,and also I can’t see who you are, and maybe a slight intro would be helpful, otherwise it feels like I’m at family party where a kid just comes up and randomly asks “Do you like dinosaurs!”

On the other hand, I have guys say “Hi”, their profile says they enjoy some conversation, but then their conversation consists of one or two word answers to questions I don’t really want to ask, but they’re literally giving you nothing to hook onto, and if you don’t give them a direct question, they hook onto nothing your putting out, even when you’re throwing obvious bate.

I’m aware that it’s a sign of disinterest, but then just save the time and effort and don’t say hi in the first place.

And yes, I know people are looking for hookups the majority of the time, but then they even struggle to communicate that. And if you ask what they’re looking for/into, more often than not the answer is “dunno really, just seeing what’s out there”.

Granted, you get the odd good one where things click and it feels like you’ve hit the jackpot by just getting what I’d consider normal back and forth interaction, and quickly move off the app, so it’s not all bad

My question is, what are you looking for in a conversation? What questions do you like/dislike, and how quickly do you just throw the towel in?

I’m talking about places that are friendly towards older gay men, maybe have a good community of gay men and men in general open to hooking up with older guys.

Anyone have any advice or insight on coming out to friends that aren't in the LGBT space? I'm 30M and haven't been in a relationship, and want to get out there and start meeting guys.

I'm not really into the apps and don't think they're for me, so want to get out and meet people in person. I haven't come out to anyone except my family, and think it might be good to come out to friends. have a bit of a fear of being seen in a gay bar and on my own, without telling anyone that I'm gay. It would just be hard to do on my own, having no support.

My friends from back home in rural town are all straight males and they're not the worst for making jokes about gay people and I am 90% sure they would be accepting, but I'm not sure how to tell them or anything.

I don't think they would join me in a gay bar really but it is starting to get to me that I'm doing all of this on my own,

Anyone have advice on building up the courage to come out, but most importantly do it confidently and stick with it

I’d really love the opportunity to become a father, hopefully to two kids as I’m an only child and will never be an uncle. But after being single for ten years, it’s not seeming very likely that I’ll ever find a partner that would want to embark on this journey with me.

I’d love the opportunity to do a better job than my parents: be emotionally mature, show them that the world is a big place full of opportunities, ensure that they have boundaries, and that they have agency to build the life they want to live.

I’m 30 and I don’t want to be too old when my children grow up. Ideally I’d be a father by 35 so I’d be in my early 50s when they reach adulthood. I feel like if I don’t do this then I’ll be in the nursing home full of regrets.

So have any of you decided to pursue fatherhood alone?

Would love some thoughts on if I (33M)overreacted to this entire exchange. Some context, prior to these screenshots, this guy (34M) was not being super communicative. Typically that doesn't bother me before I meet up with someone for the first time. Like we don't know each other yet, so I don't feel like they owe me much of anything. My goal is usually to just keep conversation short and find time to meet up, rather than long drawn out messaging back and forth. So we agreed on a date/time to meet up for drinks and then this is how the exchange went (apparently I can't do screenshots so here is the exchange transcribed):

• Me (7:47am): let's do tonight! how does 6:00/7:00 work for you?
• Him (2:31pm): 6 is good!
• Me (2:41pm): hell yea! okay awesome. i'll find somewhere fun for us to go
• Me (2:41pm): what part of the city do you live?
• Him (3:29pm): [where he lives]
• Him (3:29pm): Do you mind picking me up like old school? Or we can meet anywhere near my place, I have a bike for the time being, I can also uber, but prefer not to.
• Me (3:30pm): haha yes of course. i can definitely swing by to snag you 🤗
• Me (3:30pm): how would you feel about either [fun bar option 1] or the [fun bar option 2] for a chiller vibe?
• Me (5:40pm): still good for like 6:00?
  • ~~20min before we were supposed to meet~~
• Him (5:45pm): My nap went longer than expected 🫣
  • ~~15min before we were supposed to meet~~
• Me (5:46pm): lol been there 😆
• Me (5:46pm): you still trying to hang? or are you all groggy and need a rain check?
• Him (5:46pm): Yes
• Him: (5:57pm): Im reading 🔝 for compatibility ?
  • ~~like why is that pertinent right now? are we meeting up or not?~~
• Me (5:57pm): haha yes?
• Him (5:57pm): Si you need a TOP?
• Me (5:57pm): no lol i am a top
• Him (5:58pm): Haha I never understand what those mean!
• Him (5:58pm): Got it
• Him (5:58pm): Im a bottom exploring. lol just putting it out there.
• Him (5:58pm): We should get dinner ? 🍽️
• Me (5:59pm): yea, i've just gone on dates before that went really well, but then we both end up being tops and, well, it's kind of like a stalemate
• Me (5:59pm): so i've found it best to be upfront about it lol
• Him (6:01pm): [voice message, 0:22s long]
  • TLDR is that he was letting me know he's hungry and needs to eat
• Me (6:06pm): i figured we were just getting drinks, so i already ate 🙈
• Him (6:08pm): Ok let me get dinner and we can go get drinks.
• Me (6:09pm): what time?
• Him (6:15pm): [voice message, 0:31s]
  • TLDR is that he was letting me know he just ordered food, it will arrive to his house in 30min, and then her will eat and then that I should pick him up at 7:15pm
  • ~~annoyed me that he didn't ask me if that still works for me. just told me to pick him up~~
• Me (6:18pm): so to be honest, i'm a little annoyed at how all this is going down. waiting around for like another hour (after i've been ready to go for the last 45min) is just not something i'm interested in doing right now
• Him (6:43pm): Im ready now sorry about that.

Usually I would just kind of forget this happened and move on with my life, but in the last month I have been ghosted by 5 people in a row from and I'm just annoyed lol.

What do ya'll think? Did I over react and should I give him another chance? Or should I just let this one go?

How common is it to not be into anal sex or play?

I’m trying to work on something in myself and would love to hear how other people handle this.

I’ve realized that I can sometimes let small changes in my boyfriend’s texting affect how I perceive the relationship as a whole.

Example sometimes he might not mention baby/babe and might take longer than usual in replying. Instantly my mind goes to checking if everything is okay, did I do something to make him mad, did something wrong happen with us lately. In short, checking the health of the relationship.

His texting style is actually very different from mine where he texts very sparsely whereas I am someone who tries to reply instantly.

I do have a great therapist and I am working with him on this but I'm especially interested in how people learned to stop monitoring their partner's texting/affection so closely and became more secure in the relationship.

Are you completely open in your work place or do you not disclose it?

I've worked in a few different job environments over the years and I've noticed just how desperate some people are to know all your business. I deleted all my social media accounts in my last workplace as alot of the staff would go digging through it all. They would always ask questions like. So when you were in New York did you go to Central Park? I hadn't even mentioned I was ever even in New York. They would say.. Oh I seen you were out at the weekend did you meet anybody wink wink?

I remember when I deleted my Facebook I had a staff member even say. What are you deleting your Facebook for? I would say.. How do you know that? Well I asked (Insert Name) and they said your Facebook was gone. I also couldn't see it aswell. I would just answer by saying.. Well I don't like people digging through my posts and talking behind my back about my life. Their faces would always change.

The one that always gets me is. You got a girl? Are you seeing anybody? I don't come across as gay at all and I also don't tell anyone that I am. I know that if I say I'm gay then they will chat behind my back. The reason I know this is.. I worked in a work place and one guy was openly gay and everybody would always call him disgusting names. Anytime they spoke about him it was always linked to his gay status. It use to infuriate me. He was a lovely guy but the staff couldn't see that part it was always.. The fudge packer or the fairy. I could list a few I've heard over the years.

I just don't disclose my status. I'm happy to keep it hidden. It doesn't matter how good a worker I am or how nice I am these horrid people will always criticise me being gay.

If someone asks if I'm in a relationship I just say.. I'm single and I keep it this way. I don't need anyone in my life to be happy. I've been their and done that.

It's kinda sad that work places are like this. I've heard some disgusting comments over the years. You can understand why some guys are terrified to come out. I personally wouldn't. I've heard enough over the years to keep my sexuality quiet.

I also know that not everywhere is like this. Where I live it's very common. Is your place like this? What have you heard or seen over the years?

I understand this largely boils down to “wear whatever you want/find comfortable”.

But, how often do you find yourself paying attention to what your partner/lover is wearing, and does that matter to you?

I’m more on the bear side, so sexy choices don’t seem targeted for me. I typically just do boxers/boxer briefs. My husband prefers boxer briefs on me, but I just stick to the normal brands.

What are your thoughts?

Hello, newer relationship here. We’re still just getting to know each other and are going to take a weekend trip together. Will be sharing a standard hotel room with one bathroom. As a bottom, what is the general practice of douche and or preparing for sex? How do you maintain that level of privacy when you’re in such close quarters. Your insights are greatly appreciated. I wanna make sure this goes well..

I'm in a happy relationship for ten years with my first boyfriend.
What bothers me is that when we have sex together, I have a hard time to ejaculate.
When I am alone, I can ejaculate after 5-7 minutes.

But when I top him, most of the times I have to stop because I feel I wont reach orgasm. Even when I masturbate myself in his presence, I wont always climax. And if I do, at least 20 minutes have passed.
We did find out that I have a sensitive prostate so when I bot, I reach my orgasm much faster. So recently he 'fingers' me so I can reach my orgasm (which can take ten minutes, but I will reach climax).

This is what usually happens:

• I get into my own head very easly. I want to be the perfect top for my bf, and will only focus on his pleasure so I will forget mine. Even when he's moaning, I make myself believe he isn't enjoying it. That I'm a bad top, that my dick is not good, and so on.
• Sometimes, when I top him, the sensation goes away after a while for me.
• I fear often during sex that I wont reach climax, even when I feel I'm getting close and therefor... wont reach it.

Anyone else have that problem and knows how I can work on that?

I am back in the world of having sex again outside of a relationship. It's been sometime but every time I the opportunity, I ejaculate very quickly. I hear of methods to delay and have tried a couple. Anyone care to share some input? I can't be the only one that has to learn to control again. Thanks

I've not been out that long, about two years now. I've been in a relationship for that time too, and while it's great and we still have a lot of physical chemistry, I notice my bf is like really asexual these days. I spoke to him before about this when we had a lul and he apologised, which I said was okay but said I was concerned he might be asexual or not that into me, he profusely said it was a him thing that he needs to work on due to his body image/issues.

I don't really know how to deal with this, I sort have fully now read him as someone with low libido in general, but we go weeks without sex, and even when we do it, it kinda feels like it's about me rather than him. Like I think he would be totally content in the relationship with zero sex, which I don't fully understand.

I think because this is my first real relationship and I've not been out that long, I get a kind of FOMO feeling in terms of not having good sex. And by that I mean like with a partner I love (him). I don't think I am a fan of hookups etc and couldn't see myself ever using Grindr or whatever.

Anyways, advice would be great.

Just curious if any of y'all have started an alt X or Bluesky account (or...Reddit) and how that went?

The older I get, the more I realize I have a real exhibitionist side. That said, I'm not looking to blow up my life or make a career out of it (not delusions or grandeur here..lol). So not one of those "can I make a living as an OF star?" I know that's a lot of work and not what I'm into. Just like the show off aspect. I also wouldn't want anyone I know to know I was doing this.

So just curious of the experience of any guys who've done this? Do you like it? Is it hot? Or did it blowup in your face?