r/AskGaybrosOver30

Hi. I am struggling with topping with hookups. I see myself as verse and when I am with a long term partner I have no problems with topping. When I am with a hookup from grindr etc., I run into some kind of performance anxiety when topping and quite often get soft after a minute or two. I get very self conscious, start getting into my head and go soft, eventhough I am horny and would love to go on fucking.

My sex partners have been very non-judgmental about it. I however, get the feeling that I am failing or not giving them a good time, which makes it even more difficult to get back into it.

Easy way out is probably to stick to bottoming when hooking up, but I do actually like topping and would like to overcome this. If anyone had a similar experience and managed to overcome this, I would love to hear what helped you!

Need some positive words of encouragement. If you are going to be negative or unempathetic, please do not comment.

I'm 33 and Middle eastern, from a highly marketed but truly boring suburb of NJ. I am not bad looking, very educated, and overall have a great personality.

3 years ago, I really dove into the apps like Hinge, tinder, etc. I went on a few dates just to get my feet wet, but nothing clicked. There also weren't many options, so I made do with what I had. Around that time, I tried coming out (I don't identify as "gay" per se, but just bracing my family that I was dating men). That went as well as you can imagine. For a period of 6-12 months, I was relentlessly hounded about how I was going to hell, etc. We all live together and my family rely on me in various ways. Moving out isn't exactly an easy option without upsetting a very difficult balance.

The stress from being rejected, and a really demanding time at work, compounded in somatic issues. Excruciating, 24/7 pain. I didn't know it at the time, but some was related to mechanics yet most was this emotional stuff.

Now, I'm at a place where I think I can start dating and am yearning for something real. HOWEVER.

(1) Again, I live in the suburbs. There's absolutely NO ONE in my 20-30min vicinity who fits my age range and preference for monogamy. Its quite baffling. People immediately see "monogamy" as "heteronormativity". I don't even know what that's supposed to mean. My parents are divorced and I just want a simple, quiet life. I don't want to hookup, that kind of transient relationship doesn't work for me emotionally, or practically.

(2) I effectively went "back" in the closet as a way to survive. There's no way of coming back out. I thought I was going to be a maverick and break old thought patterns...no. Some people I chatted with have made it clear that being openly out is a redline for them. The nuance people fail to grasp is - I am not white. Middle eastern culture is extremely conservative and interpersonal. The reality is that for a lot of people in my position, their families make them an ultimatum. So, they move away under the guise of "work" to put distance between any unexpected drop-ins. I don't know what they tell their partners, I haven't asked the ones I know first hand.

(3) It's now more realistic for me to move away, if I wanted to, but I don't think moving to a new city all alone would be good for me. When I was rejected from my family, I tried leaning on my friends for support, who were so absorbed in their own lives and milestones that they gave 0 fks about me. So we fell out, and they don't live in any city I'd be interested in anyway. Except for one...who is now moving away from that city to another continent. Trying to find friends to replace my old ones in a brand new place while I'm also getting older and craving a partner - doesn't seem like it would work out in my favor. I also don't drink alcohol, and my somatic issues make it difficult to get back into fitness without being bent out of shape for days on end.

(4) continuing from 3, I was hoping to find someone open to long distance (for a while, then obviously making plans to come together), but I'm coming across the sentiment that if you don't live down the street, it's not happening.

(5) Someone from my faith would likely deem me as some flavor of deviant, if considering me part of the faith at all, but im not athiest. Not going into specifics, I'd prefer someone who does have some belief system. I seem to come across mainly militant atheist folk (very understandable, but not what I'm looking for).

After all I've been through in life, I think I more than deserve love, too. I want to feel like I have someone, and they've got my back. Or am I being a Veruca?

I DO love myself, and know I have a lot of it to give, so it's not that. But not having any examples of anyone showing me affection, it's hard not to internalize that stress and be plagued with migraines and nerve issues all the time.

Advice?

My husband has been primarily a top and has never really been into sucking cock. A couple years ago this changed and has been wanting to suck me a lot more. This would be good, but he’s not great at it. It doesn’t that good and he doesn’t seem to take very much of into his mouth. I pretend that it feels really good to not hurt his feelings. Is there any way I can be honest without making him feel bad? I don’t want him to keep doing something that doesn’t feel good for me, but at the same time I don’t want to make him stop doing something that he likes. Anyone been in this situation? Any way I can give him tips without implying that he sucks? (and not in the good way)

Hi everyone and thanks for taking the time out to read this and please go easy on me, I’m nervous writing this..

Let me give some context. I’m 35 year old man that reside in Georgia and I’m not fully out yet.. so I label myself as DL. Everything is so complex these days until i don’t know how to label myself 🤣. Let me break it down a little. I tried coming out to my brother, he cursed me out and said I better be joking. I tried telling one of my best friends, he stopped talking to me for two years. I was in a relationship for 5 years with a guy and he cheated on me repeatedly. So of course I went into a deep depression. Also, I’m a bigger guy, big and tall..so I already had it in my mind no one wants me.. so I just wanted no one..

After some time, I started therapy and I told my mama that I was gay. She was open and accepting, she wanted me to tell all my family right away.. HELL NO! I’m apart of a big family and I hear them talk… I would rather tell my family when I have a reason. I thought I would’ve come out by now, but I have no reason. (More to that) I’m not getting any interest.. and when I do have a guy(s) interested in me, it’s just for sex or they’re so damaged until It goes nowhere. I’ve tried apps(both dating and for friends), and because I’m a bottom I’ve been told the following: I’m too masculine, I’m not gay forreal, I’m trying to be tough and need to tap into my feminine side.. 😒🙃 I’m just being me. I love masculinity and I’m just masculine with a touch of sumn🤣.

I’ve healed, I’ve learned accountability, I’ve gained acceptance I may just be alone. 😮‍💨😔 and yes, I do want to find love again. I’m okay dating someone and coming out after a year or two of dating to the people that matters. I’ve never dated or even attempted to date a girl since middle school. I refuse to play with someone heart and emotions for my own personal gain or image. However, I just wanted my homeboy in the streets and my daddy in the sheets🫣😂

What do I label myself? Discreet? DL adjacent?

I work in an aerospace company for mechanical design. It doesn't pay nearly as much as it sounds but it's not terrible. What is terrible about my job is my colleagues, zero opportunity to grow into a different or bigger title, and I'm being kept in my department instead of being able to move laterally because I'm "valuable where I am".

I've been with my company for 8 years full time, 2 years contract, and I have great job security and some flexibility. But I never really wanted to be in engineering. I think I lack some fundamental skills and don't care for it. I fell into engineering as a safe option. And safe it is, for now.

My partner and I have been discussing moving in together (we live 2 hours apart and meet for weekends, and he has a paid off home and a local business) but the job market is terrible in his city, I've been applying but there's very few opportunities. I told my partner not long after we met that I was always interested in psychology and was naturally good at it but I didn't go that route due to some life choices and health issues at that time in my life.

These days we've been more and more bummed about having to depart at the end of the weekend and not seeing each other more regularly. I felt stuck without a job opportunity to allow me to move to him, until he suggested something I never thought of.

I can quit my job, study psychology at the local university, and live with my partner. Rent free as I'll have zero income, but I'd help with groceries and some bills because I don't want to feel like a leech.

The problem is, I'm 33, and going to school again sounds like a lot, especially if I'm changing my field entirely. For psychology I likely need a master's before I get a job worthwhile. I also don't know what it would mean if I go along with this and am studying for a new degree but living together doesn't work out with my partner. My partner himself mentioned his worry about how there's no telling if things will work or not, which is understandable because sometimes that does happen in relationships. The added issue would be that I'd have quit my job, committed to school, with no income or no home if things go south upon living together, which sounds miserable.

I dislike working in my field quite a lot. It reduces quality of life. But I've been doing it for 10 years and I've been alive through it so why not another 30, right? At the same time, I've been given an opportunity to reroute my future and maybe assign my career with what I'm actually interested in/good at, and I know this opportunity doesn't come to many especially at this age.

So I'm torn. Any advice?

A man contacted me over a dating app last year and we met face to face briefly. He was interested in me but I wasn't interested in anything and indicated as much. It was just a friendly encounter and we chatted for a bit, nothing more. Shortly after he messaged me to say he wouldn't mind keeping in touch online by chatting, or something along those lines. I said I wasn't interested in that and didn't think it was appropriate since I wasn't interested in him. He continued saying hi to me and trying to strike up conversations over the app which I ignored for the most part. That persisted for a bit at which point I got tired of it and removed my profile photo and description and stopped using the app altogether for almost a year.

Fast forward to today I wanted to try again to meet someone so I updated my profile with new photos and text. I thought enough time had passed and he moved on. But I was wrong, I guess he must have seen the changes in my profile and he started up again. I replied once when he asked how I was doing since I'm a nice guy and thought it was harmless. But now he keeps messaging me again like before. Asking me how my weekend was, how I'm doing, how the search goes, just saying hi, etc.

I haven't replied anymore to these messages and don't intend to reply to any in the future. I'm just not sure how else to approach this, short of deleting my profile altogether which I kind of don't want to do.

I find it hard to be rude to people, which probably might be the reason I fell into this trap to begin with. It's just not in my nature, so is there a non rude way to solve this if my silence doesn't work?

I also worry about running into him in day to day activities like grocery shopping as he is from the same area as me. I haven't yet, which is good, but there is always a small chance unfortunately.

Either this guy hasn't had any luck meeting anyone, or is obsessed with me or something.

EDIT: sorry if this post sounds weird to you guys, this isn't a humble brag, or me seeking attention. I honestly don't have too much experience with online interactions like this. As explained in one of my comments I did not block because I view it as reserved for those extreme scenarios like rude, spam, insults etc. which this doesn't really fall into.

Hey all,

Been trying to read a lot more gay/queer authors/novels this summer and was hoping to get some additional recommendations.

For context, the books I've read this past year (and really enjoyed) were Fruit Fly (by Josh Silver), Town and Country (by Brian Schaeffer), Ways and Means (by Daniel Leffert), The Recent East (by Thomas Grattan), Open Throat (by Henry Hoke), and Filthy Animals (by Brandon Taylor).

I've really been gravitating towards fiction that includes some kind of cultural commentary angle, whether that's explorations of power dynamics, identity politics, sexuality, class, the gay experience, dissections of masculinity, etc. (would love some good essay collections that wrestle with the same subject matter - recently read Inspiration Porn by Ryan O'Connell and while I didn't love it the same way I did the books mentioned, I think he's a really good writer and respected what he set out to do).

Generally, I'm not a big sci-fi guy or YA guy, and while a well-done coming out/coming of age story could speak to me, I'm at a point where I'm personally finding myself connecting much more with stories about the intricacies of being an out adult gay man, vs. like, a conversion therapy or overcoming religion tale (not to know those; they have their place, but I'm more interested in this point about stories featuring out gay men).

My taste (if you're familiar with any of these stories) veers a bit more cynical (though Town and Country, which I just read and loved, was optimistic and empathetic in a way I found refreshing vs. cloying), though, that said, I'm really not interested in trauma olympics (aka I don't have positive thoughts on A Little Life), and while I absolutely don't think only gay men could write gay stories (I'm a writer myself and have written plenty of straight characters), I find myself not necessarily abjectly hating, but having complicated thoughts about gay romances written by women (aka Heated Rivalry and Red White and Royal Blue are not going to be high on my read lists).

Thanks in advance for any recs!

Edit: Should've added that I'm looking more for contemporary(ish) stuff. If it could be considered "classic" gay lit, I've probably read it and/or not read it by design ;)

My partner (46) and I (33) have been dating for about 3.5 years. We live 2 hours away from each other and meet most weekends.

Usually I drive to him, as he has a nice place and I currently live with family going through some health issues so I help out. These days as the weekend wraps up, we both find ourselves vocally wishing I didn't have to go home for the week. This has been going on for a couple months.

We talked about moving in together, and due to the dynamics it'll be me moving in with him. Finding a job in his area has been almost impossible in the current market (I've looked in his area for my own sake of living somewhere with more affordable housing). My partner mentioned his worry regarding if things go south because living together really changes the relationship dynamic. Understandable, that happens. I asked if we don't work living together, would he want to go back to living separately but still be together and he said he doesn't know.

He's said before that he resigned himself to be someone who lives alone forever before he met me (I'm his first long term gay relationship) so I thought he would be comfortable with going back to dating but living separately if that's how it panned out. It seems that may not be the case

I think I do want to live with him sooner than later, but I'm having trouble understanding why I should risk us falling apart for a chance at us living in the same space. What we have right now is great and I don't want to lose it. But I've also been commuting 2 hours twice a weekend to make this work for 3 years. Also, I wouldn't be moving within the city either, my home would turn into something totally foreign with no social contacts nearby but my partner.

Any advice for people that have been in this scenario?

i guess this is more directed to those attracted to twinks, but does it only mean small/slim guys in their 20s or younger?

i'm getting back to online dating and of all the tribes, i think twink still best describes me: i'm slim, toned/fit, smooth, full head of hair and 44yo. friends say i look like i did in my late 20s/30s (lifestyle choices but mainly genetics). regardless of the way i look, i'm not going to lie about my age/try to look younger.

when on grindr, i see guys specify their preferences for twinks/femboys (i'm also not masc) and if they don't have an age range, i will msg them but i'm wondering as a whole, what is the general feelings on guys like myself.

also, if you are a twink that is getting older and hasn't experienced twink death yet, what's it like being for you?

I realize a lot more background is probably needed and I might make a longer post about this later but here goes.

Me (32M) and my fiancé (36M) have been together for 5.5 years. Sex (or lack there of) has been a challenge since the beginning. Neither one of us were good about communication or expressing our needs/desires and we never fought so everything must be good, right? /s

Every so often I would bring up the topic of having sex and it would always be that he was trying to work through his issues about it. I would push my needs/desires down and try to be patient in knowing that it would come eventually and that he just needed time.

Months turned into years and I kept giving myself deadlines for if we didn’t start doing x by this date then I would break up but there kept being glimpses of hope and I really wanted to be with him so I would continue things.

Prior to him, I always considered myself to be a top with potential for verse for the right person. The only thing I always did say was that not being able to top was a deal breaker for me. There is a lot more to add between then and now but long story short we eventually started doing oral and then after a lot of tries (maybe once every couple months) he let me top him every once and a while.

Sex was still not often. Best case once a week if I pushed for it but he could easily go for weeks if not months without any sort of sex. (I did find out later that he was jerking off).
Since then he started topping me on occasion with some help (cialisis for the win) and has even been able to a couple times without it.

I stopped topping him about six months ago because he can’t enjoy it at all and I don’t want to fuck someone that is just trying to “get through” it. It’s not fun and I don’t think is fair to either of us. Impact of that on our relationship is TBD.

For me sex is very important and is a fundamental to why I want to be in a relationship. It makes me feel closer to you, it’s fun, relieves stress, etc and I have found that the lack of it really affects my mood and feeling close to him. I have shared this many times.

We will make some progress in this department every once and a while (usually after I’ve gotten upset about my needs not being met) and we might even have sex twice a week for a bit before it goes back to once a week max.

The last week I’ve been feeling so lonely, upset and angry about this and every time we go to bed next to each other and he kisses me goodnight and cuddles me it makes me even more upset that this is what our life together is and that he gets the thing he wants/needs (cuddling and sleeping next to each other) and I’m stuck here feeling like my needs don’t matter and that sex isn’t even a thought in his head.

I’m so tired of having to reiterate the importance of it to me and it feels selfish to me to not do something that would improve your partner’s mood or just make them happy. (Assuming there aren’t medical reasons to not). I can’t really put myself in his shoes but I would like to think that I would do anything to make his life better.

Anyway, are my expectations just unreasonable? Happy to hear any and all thoughts from the limited information I’ve provided.

P.S. we are starting couples counseling soon.

I’m 38, Italian, having just had a birthday. I’m a year into a relationship with an extraordinary 28-year-old Nepali guy who lives in Lisbon ten years of difference between us.

Our story feels like something out of a romance novel.
I was in Lisbon during the 2025 Europride, and I met him casually (I no longer use apps) during the day, in a restaurant, while my friends were ordering lunch and I just ordered a beer. At first I was pretty rude and didn’t even look at the waiter. It had been a long night, and I hadn’t exactly been an angel at Trump’s the night before - the count doesn’t matter, but I avoided, by sheer luck, anything more than kissing. Strong kissing, let’s use that euphemism. So when he came to bring the orders and I casually met his eyes, I was stunned, by the kindness in them, by how beautiful he was, and ashamed, at the same time, at how I’d treated him. Ashamed, and, I’ll admit, wanting more than just a kiss from him. I’ve never claimed to be a saint.

We finished and left, but by chance my friend had an issue to sort out, so I went back. For a good ten minutes I had to gather all my courage to re-enter the restaurant and ask for his Instagram. To my surprise, he gave it to me and asked if he could hug me. Of course I said yes.
On Instagram we arranged to meet after his working hours, at a pub in Bairro Alto. Long story short: something clicked, and he timidly, after a beer, asked if he could kiss me. I said yes. I still remember the softness of that kiss. There were more, and it was amazing and it has been every time since. I woke up to the softness of his voice, because I was at risk of losing my flight.
After that, nobody else was ever on my mind. I went back to Lisbon just two weeks later - we’d been writing every day since and asked him if he wanted to be my boyfriend. When I asked him, I genuinely wanted a monogamous relationship, though I understand that 2,000 km is quite a distance, and I’d rather compromise than lose him over it. I never placed any restriction on him, just asked for honesty, and offered the same in return. I never had to search for, or even felt the desire for, anybody other than him.

Since then, we’ve tried to meet once a month and video-call twice a day, not always successfully. For three weeks he lived with me in Italy, since our plan to go to Nepal together fell through because of the civil war. Now it’s been more than a year, and I feel that I really want him in my life. I planned it and told him I loved him during sunset at Miradouro da Senhora do Monte, with a symbolic ring, not an engagement, but something that meant, for me, that no one had ever been so important.

And now the questioning part, thanks for the patience and for reading this far. What should I do? I’m planning to move to Portugal, but it’s difficult. I’m a team and tech leader software engineer for a major company, and he’s a waiter. I’ve learned Devanagari/Nepali and Portuguese, both at A2, but I’m also beginning to get fed up with Italy itself, and my kind of job in Portugal and in Europe more generally would pay somewhere between 18% and 50% more than what I earn here. For my kind of work, several other countries offer special detaxation regimes - Portugal, for instance, would cut my taxes to a flat 20% if I moved there.

Since I don’t intend to leave anything rashly, only in a calculated way, I’ve been wondering whether I should first discuss with my company whether they’d let me work remotely, keeping in mind I’d still need the rest of the year in Italy after 183 days to preserve my fiscal residency. I’ve also started wondering whether Portugal is even the only option - I have a solid B2 in Spanish, so Spain comes to mind, and I’ve thought about Holland or Denmark too.

What would you do? I really think he’s my soulmate, and in many ways he’s proven it. But still I’m thinking about the age difference, the cultural background and shock, and anything else I might be blindly ignoring. What would you say?

Edit: paragraphs and grammar

Edit: fiscal residency

I’m in my 40s, UK based. Ive never been able to bottom comfortably with no issues afterwards. For years I was just top for this reason. During anal sex, my ass is very tight and I have to play with fingers and toys before taking a dick. This now allows me to be able to take a dick, if my partner goes slow.

After anal sex, my ass feels a little sore but is manageable. It gets more sore about 2-3 days after sex though and gradually gets worse and peaks about 7 days later. A small lump becomes noticeable during this time and looks like.a.small external tag and this is sore to touch. the lump and the pain.goes away after about 2 weeks. This happens everytime i have anal sex no matter how careful i am. When I’ve examined myself, when the pain resolves, the lump is still there but really small and not really external as much, which suggests it’s always there internally maybe.

I’ve been to my GP before, they have examined me and said nothing to worry about, apart from a very small tag. I’ve also seen a specialist and he said the same. Both times however the symptoms had gone by the time my appointment arrived. I feel doctors don’t take the reason for my symptoms serious (gay sex) and don’t really know where to go apart from putting up with having a painful ass for 2 weeks every time I want to bottom. Anyone else had anything similar or got any advice?

I grew up pretty conservative, and in a very protected, fortified bubble due to religion and parents hoping to shield me from anything that might ‘defile’ me…

Irony aside, I’ve basically evolved into a shut-in. I have had spurts of going out and being one of the gays. I’ve hooked up, done drugs, had good fun, but, over and over again, I find that there’s something happening that I have zero awareness of… some thoughts other people know that I don’t… something.

Whatever this is keeps me from building any lasting connection with a friend group… or friend person lol. I have friends, but they live far away now, and the connection is different. It could be that it’s something specific to the place I live now… I came to that conclusion because I can connect with people not from here pretty easily.

For my own peace of mind, I will not disclose where I live except to say it’s in the northeast of the United States.

The people here are not bad per se, but they offer me drugs, and I have been able to hook up and have moments of feeling desirable, but I’m not invited to parties or considered for anything other than a prop, I think. The only thing I’ve found that augments that is if I participate in hooking up and in group activities.

Because of my upbringing, I kinda feel a little cringe about that at times, but it’s nice to have that connection sometimes. I struggle with the concept that we exchange fluids and see each other in a pretty vulnerable state and then go on like we don’t know each other.

I’m told by some that they don’t approach me because they are intimidated. The idea of someone being intimidated by me is wild to wrap my head around, but I can only know me from the inside.

As a result, I have tried softening my appearance, maybe not being as clean-shaven or whatever might make me look more approachable… nothing.

For a while I thought, maybe I’m too uptight; I do have anxiety sometimes in social situations. Maybe there’s a way I can play up certain parts of my personality, but nothing… and basically I just go back to doing my regular thing of going to the gym and working until I feel the hunger for connection again. Then, I try again with a different approach.

I’ve talked to people about it, and people seemed genuinely puzzled. They almost look at me like they can’t process that this is my experience. My best friend has all but told me I’m being dramatic, but will also tell me that people talked about me when I left the room… saying things like they would have said something, but didn’t… so, I’m just there with the whole room not talking to me or being weird when they do talk to me. Groups are closed off to me, and people sometimes just stare.

I do know that I might be on the spectrum… I do know that I struggle with staying within certain hierarchies. I have always believed that everyone deserves to be respected and treated like someone who is important. Growing up isolated made me very acquainted with the feeling of loneliness and being different, and I don’t ever want anyone to feel that way when dealing with me.

I hook up with people that I feel comfortable with; as a result, I couldn’t tell you a type if you looked at my history.

All that said, I know that I sometimes have a tendency to wade in the waters of self-pity and victim mentality. I know that about myself and am working to get around that being attached to my identity. At the same time, I have grace for myself because anyone would feel discouraged after trying and failing a number of times.

The whole point of this post is to farm for other ways of being… maybe the issue is not that I’m not the right skin color, height, weight, masc enough, fem enough, gay enough, too enough, bottom enough, or whatever else is the easiest conclusion… maybe there are social norms I’m not aware of… maybe I’m only physically attractive, but boring otherwise… maybe the conclusion is that I want to be a part of a group that I share no common values with. Who knows?

This is a last effort to try and connect before giving up the pursuit and laying to rest any hope of finding belonging or connection.

I’m at a point where a part of me is hardening and petitioning me to stop participating in a pursuit that is ultimately hurting me and my ability to enjoy life. Sometimes I wish I didn’t want this so bad.

Feel free to hurt my feelings. I’m laying my thoughts out to get an idea of what the room sees that I don’t. Please be respectful though, everything we do comes back to us in kind.

Hey guys,

Not sure I even know how to write this but i have a friend whose very odd. He's not a guy i particularly like, however I am a social person who likes having people around that can just entertain themselves whilst I do my own thing and hes perfect for that haha.

I met this guy at a cruising park. He goes almost every night and doesn't hook up all that much. Just likes to watch and talk. Im similar and through proximity we've become "friends" however he has some very disturbing views that unfortunately A LOT of other guys in the park have also "stepped in" during our convos that have agreed with him.

Ill list the following:

1. He believes people with undetectable HIV should legally have to disclose their status before having sex with someone. In my state if you are undetectable you do not have to disclose your status as "U=U". He has bareback sex and doesn't use prep or condoms. Im also not sure he believes HIV is real. Ive tried discussing herd immunity, how you need to protect yourself and you cant expect others to protect you, etc. It falls on deaf ears. He firmly believes people with HIV are disgusting and the problem. I point out how hypocritical and dangerous this behaviour is. As he is the most dangerous category for actually acquiring and transmitting the disease to others. Ive told him that people who are DETECTABLE do have to disclose their status and if caught after transmitting the virus that they would be held accountable, to try and educate him. But nothing but deaf ears. Unfortunately in group chats at the park I have been completely outnumbered on this topic. With all the other random gay guys joining in and adding their 2 cents to say they agree with my friend. Sadly.

2. He believes being gay is a choice. He has never had sex with a woman. Shows no interest in women. But fully believes he will get married and have two kids (or at least wants to). He has never even been on a date with a woman. He won't label his sexuality. But says that if he stayed with his father (he never even met his dad) and stayed in a sport he wouldve been straight. He blames being attracted to men on his mother as he says his mother wanted a gay son and chose a more feminine upbringing for him. He wishes he stayed with his dad and stayed in a sport so he wouldve been only attracted to women. He belives your sexual orientation is a choice that you choose from your "culture". That if you play sports and are around masculinity you will simply choose to be attracted to women. He believes its nature vs nurture. He does acknowledge it may not be a choice for "some people" but not in a conceding way. Ive highlighted the dangers this has as its seems like a conservative talking point and dismisses all the hard work the gay community has done to be accepted and obtain our rights. I believe he is gay. He has no labels but I think he thinks he's attracted to men but will simply change it when its time to have the kids. Ive explained maybe he is bi/fluid so he has the option of choice that he is projecting onto others that don't have that choice. He still disagrees. I believe he was born fluid. He says no one is born anything and its all culture and what youre currently doing. I can't get him to see that he comes to the park and has sex with them BECAUSE he's attracted to men. Its like talking to a brick wall.

3. He believes men are too harshly judged in cases of rape. If a woman shows off her cleverage and gets a man to buy her a drink or goes back to his place, and then she says no. He thinks the blame is on the woman for bringing it upon herself. Ive tried to explain that "no is no" but it falls on completely deaf ears. In primary school I was accused of sexual assault by a girl that didnt like me (im very much gay and always have been and 100% did not touch her) so im also a bit jarred from how women can use their words as power, however that would never ever delude me to undermining cases of rape. But he believes women only cry rape to punishment the man.

4. Dont start me on his thoughts about covid

5. Dont start me on mental health conditions either we could be here all day.

6. Social housing and government policy omg

Ill leave it at that at the moment. There is more unfortunately. I will just add that what ive ascertained is that the guy ONLY thinks "outside the box". Even if its something very simple or definitive he will constantly think outside the box for it. He also doesn't converse like a normal person. He will tell 5 stories within one story and completely go off topic but its always a story that has nothing or barely anything to do with the current topic. Its extremely frustrating and he turns a 100 word remark into an hour long 30k word debate and still doesn't get anywhere near to the point.

For instance he will go back and tell anecdotes from his childhood that just BARELY connect to what we are talking about. He will not let you speak and he doesn't stop speaking. Ive tried to teach him he needs to know how to volleyball in conversations, know his audience, think inside the box, get to the point. He acknowledges it but can't fix it.

Im not asking for help per se, I just kind of want to know what to do with him or what you do with these people. He has a kind heart and is a nice person and I like having him around for some reason but I also recognise his views are quite embarrassing and quite frankly damaging. I can cut him off but I also just think maybe he's too stupid to understand reality and feel sorry for him.

I will add im also quite stubborn and like to get my point across in a very direct, succinct and "in the box" way which im realising just may not be possible with him and its time to move on.

My surgery to remove my internal and external hemorrhoids was scheduled for June 9. I should start by saying that I have suffered from hemorrhoids since I was 16 years old. Over time, due to poor diet and other factors, they gradually became worse, to the point where bleeding became frequent and painful episodes started happening more and more often.
I had grade 4 and grade 5 hemorrhoids that were thrombosed. After my last painful episode, which left me unable to work for almost seven days due to severe swelling and discomfort, my doctor suggested surgery. He described it as a “very simple” procedure. However, he was honest when he warned me that it would be painful and uncomfortable, but that I would be fine within 15 days.
I went through all the necessary tests and routine checkups, and on June 9, I underwent surgery to remove my internal and external hemorrhoids.
I have to admit that everything went much better than I expected, with one major exception: going to the bathroom. Having a bowel movement was extremely painful, to the point that on a couple of occasions I almost passed out.
As the days went by, I noticed that I had a lump that wasn’t going away or getting any better. It was so large that it rubbed against my boxers and made it uncomfortable to sit down. My medical leave ended, and I still had this lump hanging from my anus.
I went to a follow-up appointment with my general surgeon, who told me that the lump was a hemorrhoid. However, his main concern was that I was having a significant amount of discharge from the anus and that I might have an abscess. I was admitted to the hospital as an emergency case and underwent a perianal ultrasound.
Although the abscess was ruled out, the result was the same as what the previous doctor had told me: it was a grade 3 hemorrhoid.
I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT. I went into denial.
As part of the treatment for the suspected abscess, I was given a very strong antibiotic, which caused severe diarrhea as soon as I got home. This significantly delayed my recovery. The intense discomfort came back, along with the pain when going to the bathroom and the bleeding. Everything was going wrong. Really, really wrong.
After four days of suffering and another trip to the emergency room, the diarrhea finally stopped, and I started the healing process all over again.
But the lump wasn’t improving. It wasn’t going away. It wasn’t getting smaller.
During my follow-up appointment with the colorectal surgeon, he confirmed what I feared the most and what I had been desperately denying: it was a hemorrhoid. A hemorrhoid that I hadn’t had before.
I felt like I was going to die.
Because of its size, there was a possibility that I would need another surgery, but we had to wait and see. My treatment was changed, and I was scheduled for another follow-up appointment in a month.
I want you to understand how devastating this news was for me. Just imagining myself back in an operating room and having to go through those first days of recovery all over again terrified me. I became depressed. I cried a lot. I went through a very serious emotional crisis.
And on top of all of this, I had to return to work. I work in finance, which means I have to sit in an office for more than eight hours a day.
The first few days were manageable. I bought a donut cushion to sit on and did stretches every 40 minutes. But as the days went by, I started feeling worse. I had a constant burning sensation that wouldn’t go away, until eventually it became unbearable and I had to go to the emergency room immediately.
I had developed a fissure in the hemorrhoid.
ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE!!!
Once again, this completely knocked me down. I had a severe emotional breakdown. I barely moved from my bed. I didn’t eat. I couldn’t do anything. I was emotionally destroyed and physically in pain.
The pain was very similar to what I experienced during the first days after surgery, and going to the bathroom was pure hell.
With medication, plenty of rest, and sitz baths, things gradually started getting better. The hemorrhoid decreased in size, and at my follow-up appointment I received the great news that we would continue with the current treatment, with the hope that within another month or so, the hemorrhoid would be absorbed and I would be able to return to my normal life.
Nowadays, I still don’t feel very confident about my recovery. Some days I improve and feel like I’m making progress, while on other days I feel like I’ve taken three steps backward. It’s honestly quite frustrating.
I feel like the emotional aftermath has been significant. I still have days when I feel like I’m never going to get out of this. I become depressed and cry, or I get lost in my thoughts for hours.
Even when I get up after using the bathroom, I check to make sure there is no blood. I move carefully because I’m afraid of developing another fissure.
I feel like this is affecting me, and every day I spend going through this, I become a little more exhausted.
I’m writing all of this because I would really like to hear from you. Has anyone else gone through something similar? Do you feel bad about yourself because of it?
Some days I regret having the surgery. Other days, I understand that life is just like this—a kind of hellish lottery where you either win big or lose big.
I am currently going to therapy. I’m only just beginning this process of mental healing, and I believe that this part of my recovery is extremely important.

Okay guys, I need some input. I’m with my guy for almost four years. We live together for almost the whole time. We’ve moved to two states together. I travel a lot for work until the last few months and now work from home mostly. Anywhooo…..I take advantage of my works unlimited PTO and go camping. It was a solo trip for two nights, only an hour away from home at a state park. He was invited, but refused to use his unlimited PTO. I typically do a solo camping trip once a year. Just me, a good book and a bottle of whiskey. So after two nights away, I get home and the reception was freakishly cold. Like his face looked disappointed. I felt I had to almost nudge him just for a hug. I get that I wasn’t gone for long, but wouldn’t it be nice to be welcomed home with a smile? I’m wondering, is this me overthinking? What are your thoughts? One…two….go!

I apologize for the long post ahead.

I’m 30M and my boyfriend 23M and I have been together for a few months. I love him deeply, and there are many things I genuinely love about our relationship. We communicate openly about sex, watch porn together, share fantasies, and generally feel very comfortable with each other.

I was cheated on in my previous relationship, so I know I have some anxiety and trust issues. I tend to overthink when my boyfriend is distant or when I discover something I didn’t know about.
Recently, though, I’ve learned several things that have made me question whether my anxiety is the only problem.

Before we became official, my boyfriend had an FWB relationship with a guy, “Win,” who has a long-term girlfriend. They had sex as recently as March, while my boyfriend knew Winnie was in a relationship. My boyfriend now says he was selfish and did it purely for physical pleasure, and that he no longer holds those values. He says he wants to become a better person.

Win also lives in my boyfriend’s house and has repeatedly made unwanted advances toward him. They’ve had a sexual history, and even after we became official, my boyfriend sometimes shared a bed with him despite knowing Winnie could make advances. My boyfriend says he rejected the advances and didn’t consent to the touching. Most recently, Winnie touched him inappropriately. My boyfriend didn’t tell me immediately because he was afraid involving his family would create a huge conflict. Eventually, he confronted Winnie and clearly told him to stop. Winnie repeatedly said “okay” and “it’s your life.”

There was also an incident where my boyfriend installed an app known for random video/live encounters. He said he downloaded it because his libido spiked and he intended to go live, but stopped himself and didn’t actually do it. We had previously agreed that one-on-one sexual lives with strangers would cross a boundary for me. He felt guilty and apologized.

I’ve also recently learned that in previous relationships, even while exclusive, he would sometimes respond to people who clearly wanted to get to know him romantically, although he says he would pull away once conversations became intimate. He says he doesn’t do this anymore now that we’re together.

Most recently, I discovered that he messaged a sexual content creator after finding an account the creator had posted. He says he was excited that he found the account himself and wanted to show the creator for “clout,” and that he wasn’t trying to flirt. What triggered me was that he didn’t tell me about the interaction. I immediately started thinking, “What if the guy responds and it turns into something else?”

The confusing part is that I’m actually very open sexually. We watch porn and masturbate together, and I genuinely enjoy seeing my boyfriend attracted to other people. I’m considering whether I’d actually be comfortable with him flirting or having sexual interactions with other people if we were completely transparent about it, but I haven’t discussed this with him yet.

At the same time, loyalty is extremely important to me. I don’t want to change my boundaries just because I’m afraid he’ll feel restricted or leave.

My boyfriend has also shown me a lot of love and vulnerability. He wrote me a heartfelt letter for my birthday, has given me meaningful gifts, reassures me constantly, admits his mistakes, and says he wants to become a better person. I don’t think he’s a horrible person, and I don’t want his past to define him. I genuinely believe people can change.

But my trust is currently waning, and my anxiety has actually gotten worse. Sometimes when we’re apart I get chest tightness and difficulty breathing because I worry about what might be happening, although I know some of that is probably my own anxiety and past betrayal.
So I’m conflicted.

Am I being naive by staying and believing he can change? Are these genuine red flags and signs that we have incompatible values, or am I judging someone too heavily for his past while he’s actively trying to change? And how would you approach rebuilding trust in this situation?

I’m (37M) struggling to determine if my relationship can recover from how it began with my boyfriend (34M). While he is in therapy now to figure out why he has acted this way, I have not observed anything upsetting negative since Feb '26, but I'm still have significant doubts.

Apr-Jun '25

We met on Hinge and initially connected well. After a few weeks, he became distant, responded more slowly, and canceled plans with me four weekends in a row because of supposed health issues. During the final weekend, he went clubbing until 6 a.m. near where I live, despite living him living two hours away with the club being only 15mins away from me. He then ghosted me for three months.

Issues from Sep - Jan '26 no issues after Jan

He returned and insisted on seeing me again, although he never fully apologized. We reconciled, and I later paid for an entire trip to the Caribbean. Before the trip, he asked us to become exclusive and said he was deleting the dating apps.

*Side note: I offered to pay for some friends initially, but they couldn't make it due to a 1 week notice. This was during a fun-employment period, and he was the only one that was free.

One week afterward, I saw a Hinge notification on his phone. He was messaging four men, telling them he wanted to get to know them and sending voice notes.

Other issues followed:

• He disinvited me to another club a week after the Hinge discovery but still used a broadway ticket I got through my credit card rewards.
• He claimed he hadn’t spoken to a former hookup in a year, although he had secretly discussed meeting him that same day.
• He and that guy exchanged shirtless pictures and discussed STI results and sexual preferences. The guy even noted "I remember you were a grower"
• When the other man asked whether we were exclusive, my boyfriend did not answer in writing.
• The guy I'm dating asked detailed questions about my sexual history, which I answered honestly, but he lied when I asked him the same questions.
• I found private messages suggesting additional hookups, although he disputes the dates.
• His best friend asked if we were exclusive, but he conveniently didn't reply to that message either.
• He joked with friends about breaking up with me to attend an after-party.
• He privately described me as difficult to meet, even though I was repeatedly trying to coordinate around the two-hour distance.
• He discussed potentially taking over my apartment while privately expressing uncertainty about dating me.
• Additional Notes:
  • Both the pre-ghosting and after ghosting phases he asked me to be exclusive but wasn't behaving that way.
  • Likely OCD, but he deletes every imessage thread, regardless of the person. He deletes every email, every whatsapp, every voicemail, every call, and every IG message. His phone looks blank

Improvements:

All of the above behavior has improved significantly since then, and I haven’t found evidence that these things are still happening. The problem is that I no longer know whether I believe his statements. Most of the earlier truth only emerged because I discovered evidence and not because he admitted it voluntarily.

I recognize that people can change, and I don’t want to permanently define him by his worst behavior. At the same time, I don’t know how to determine whether his current behavior reflects genuine change or whether he has simply become better at hiding things. I told him that I should have never needed to got that upset to finally be treated well and with honesty.

Has anyone stayed with a partner after this degree of dishonesty and eventually felt secure again? How did you distinguish genuine change from temporary improvement? Is rebuilding trust realistic here, or can the damage become too extensive even when the person appears to have changed?

This is a tough one. I am a 43-year-old man who has been married to the same woman for 20 years. We have three kids together, and our relationship has been tumultuous from day one. When we met, we were in Bible College, and I was heavily struggling with my sexual identity. I was attracted to her, but I was never honest about the struggles I had. With my education in ministry, the only decent jobs I could get were in the ministry, and you can't be gay in the Christian Church and work for them. I got married at 23, and I'm not sure love was the main reason.

I sat on my attractions for years. Our sex life struggled and then about 8 years ago I started having an emotional affair with another man. It was never physical, but I totally got all of my emotional support from him. I broke off the friendship after my wife threatened to leave me because of it. I came out to her about my attractions then, and it has been difficult ever sense.

Fast foward to today, I have quit the ministry and am in a very fulling job as a Drug and Alcohol Counselor. My wife is basically done with me, as I have found friends in the LGBTQ community. She hates that I am a part of it, which I understand. In a way, I feel that I betrayed her. Ending this marriage is incredible painful, and I am worried about my children. I am a father first, but I have not been able to invest in them as much as I would like over the past 8 years.

With all of this said, I'm scared out of my mind for what happens next. I built an entire life with this woman, and I lied to her from beginning just to save face. I feel like the bad guy here, but to keep the marriage going would be furthering the pain for all of us, not just me. I'm not even worried about being in another relatiosnhip, I just want to live authentically. Thoughts?

I (31m) only came out at 23 and a year after I got into my first relationship with a guy and that lasted 6 years. We broke up a year ago and he moved out around 4-5 months ago. My ex was what he described as ‘non scene’ and prided himself on not presenting as gay. So going to gay bars, pride events etc were all off limits and it felt like I’d put one foot back in the closet.

I’ve been on dates with a few guys since he moved out and most just kind of fizzled out, apart from this one guy. We met around 2 weeks ago and have been on 5 dates now and met up a few times just to go for a walk and a chat. We’ve kissed, but that’s all and I’m fine with that, however, I’ve been told in the past that I’m difficult to read and some guys are slightly intimidated around me (6ft7 and quite heavily tattooed)

This guy is not afraid of showing his sexuality which I find extremely attractive, we’ve been to a gay bar to hang out, and we’ve even spoken about attending pride events together. We don’t constantly message each other but we do check in everyday day to see how each other’s doing.

I definitely am not ‘in love’ as it’s far too soon for that, but I definitely like him and would love to see where things go, my question is do I tell him or do I just carry on as we are? I’ve had things die out before due to people thinking that I’m not interested so I find myself in an internal struggle of how do I let someone know without coming off as overbearing or too upfront. I was thinking along the lines of “I’m really enjoying our time together” “I’d like to see where things go between us”, but I don’t have too much experience with men and I also don’t have many gay friends who I can speak to for advice.