u/No-Nature9047

Need some positive words of encouragement. If you are going to be negative or unempathetic, please do not comment.

I'm 33 and Middle eastern, from a highly marketed but truly boring suburb of NJ. I am not bad looking, very educated, and overall have a great personality.

3 years ago, I really dove into the apps like Hinge, tinder, etc. I went on a few dates just to get my feet wet, but nothing clicked. There also weren't many options, so I made do with what I had. Around that time, I tried coming out (I don't identify as "gay" per se, but just bracing my family that I was dating men). That went as well as you can imagine. For a period of 6-12 months, I was relentlessly hounded about how I was going to hell, etc. We all live together and my family rely on me in various ways. Moving out isn't exactly an easy option without upsetting a very difficult balance.

The stress from being rejected, and a really demanding time at work, compounded in somatic issues. Excruciating, 24/7 pain. I didn't know it at the time, but some was related to mechanics yet most was this emotional stuff.

Now, I'm at a place where I think I can start dating and am yearning for something real. HOWEVER.

(1) Again, I live in the suburbs. There's absolutely NO ONE in my 20-30min vicinity who fits my age range and preference for monogamy. Its quite baffling. People immediately see "monogamy" as "heteronormativity". I don't even know what that's supposed to mean. My parents are divorced and I just want a simple, quiet life. I don't want to hookup, that kind of transient relationship doesn't work for me emotionally, or practically.

(2) I effectively went "back" in the closet as a way to survive. There's no way of coming back out. I thought I was going to be a maverick and break old thought patterns...no. Some people I chatted with have made it clear that being openly out is a redline for them. The nuance people fail to grasp is - I am not white. Middle eastern culture is extremely conservative and interpersonal. The reality is that for a lot of people in my position, their families make them an ultimatum. So, they move away under the guise of "work" to put distance between any unexpected drop-ins. I don't know what they tell their partners, I haven't asked the ones I know first hand.

(3) It's now more realistic for me to move away, if I wanted to, but I don't think moving to a new city all alone would be good for me. When I was rejected from my family, I tried leaning on my friends for support, who were so absorbed in their own lives and milestones that they gave 0 fks about me. So we fell out, and they don't live in any city I'd be interested in anyway. Except for one...who is now moving away from that city to another continent. Trying to find friends to replace my old ones in a brand new place while I'm also getting older and craving a partner - doesn't seem like it would work out in my favor. I also don't drink alcohol, and my somatic issues make it difficult to get back into fitness without being bent out of shape for days on end.

(4) continuing from 3, I was hoping to find someone open to long distance (for a while, then obviously making plans to come together), but I'm coming across the sentiment that if you don't live down the street, it's not happening.

(5) Someone from my faith would likely deem me as some flavor of deviant, if considering me part of the faith at all, but im not athiest. Not going into specifics, I'd prefer someone who does have some belief system. I seem to come across mainly militant atheist folk (very understandable, but not what I'm looking for).

After all I've been through in life, I think I more than deserve love, too. I want to feel like I have someone, and they've got my back. Or am I being a Veruca?

I DO love myself, and know I have a lot of it to give, so it's not that. But not having any examples of anyone showing me affection, it's hard not to internalize that stress and be plagued with migraines and nerve issues all the time.

Advice?

33M. I am now cognizant of my pathology. I affix stability towards an event in my mind as my saving grace - "THIS is what I am doing and nothing can change my mind", and then when something threatens that, my mental state fall apart.

In general I've been doing "well" as can be compared to 6 months ago. A few sips of coffee would send me into a tailspin. Now, for the most part, I can have light roast (hot, not iced for some reason, and with a hearty meal to help delay absorption).

Anyway. I had been looking forward to a once in a lifetime trip in the spring. I committed to myself that this will be the year of solo travel, I will do it (2 weeks) and have a blast with a full itinerary of things i really wanted to see and do. Unfortunately, I built it up so much in my mind that when I got to actually planning it out, it became apparent just how difficult it would be. Not more trouble than its worth, but I underestimated the mental bandwidth and how taxing it might be. Add to that - I will be totally on my own in case something goes wrong. I would be in a foreign country, in a part where english is not widely spoken, and have no one to call for help. A few other reasons... overall, it threatened the idea I had for the trip.

I also had deleted my dating app (again). I am increasingly getting to the point where I'm convinced I will be alone forever (religious and cultural hurdles laughing in the background).

This is kind of all over the place.

But between deleting the dating app, contemplating my mortality and level of solitude, travel plans that may fall apart, no healthy expression of emotion, I felt the stuck energy scatter across my upper chest. I'm always running through my mind that its a cardiac event and that I'll be found dead by my family, early 30s, never having experienced love or seen the world for reasons largely outside my control. Its exhaustive, and irrational, I know this. If I had a more fulfilled life, I'd get out of my head, so that's why this travel plan was like the shining beacon for me.

It led to some pretty bad depersonalization and derealization today. I was fighting to seem normal at dinner with my family when all I wanted to do was simultaneously sleep on a meadow, run for the hills, swim in a lake, and get a really big hug.

ETA: bad air quality and allergies make me feel like I can hardly breathe, so I'm also naturally getting more shallow breathing today on top of all this.

I realized that over this past year and a few recent ones, the inclement weather has REALLY taken a toll on my mental health, and perceived pain levels.

In particular, I think it is the lack of agency and restriction placed on me outside my control. This brings me back to times when I was powerless (practically infancy thru late adulthood) in my family dynamics and had no ability to change my situations through my personal decisions.

For example, this past winter in my area was ROUGH. Not only do you experience less than 8hrs of sunlight spending most of your waking hours inside and at work, but the factors outside were oppressive. I'm very sensitive to wind, the harsh angle of the sunlight (when able to step outside), precipitation, etc.

Then came along spring, which was just blustery and wet. Uncomfortable to be outside, but at least it was sunny and the anticipation of being outside "soon" was there. Somehow we launched from cold hard winter to barely spring, into summer, where it's heatwave, thunderstorms, haze, poor air quality, etc. and all of my weekends have been total busts.

My point is that today I got extremely triggered and dissociated a bit. I was looking forward to going to the beach all weekend and spending time in the ocean to let the waves crash over me and dominate me. I would be choosing when to get in and out of the ocean and let the waves carry me like a ragdoll, or plant my feet. I would be choosing when to get baked by the sun and cooled off by the water, coming and going as I please.

Since Wednesday, there has been such detrimental poor air quality that one cannot be outside to take walks, etc. On top of that, today is a flash flood and thunderstorm. In youth, I liked thunderstorms and lightening. Today it felt like "WOW, so not only can I not go outside from the wildfire smoke, but there's flooding possibly blocking roads that if I wanted to go sit in a cafe or something, I can very well be stuck." Last time a flash flood happened in my town (just the other week), cars were abandoned for miles along the highways and roads.

Does anyone else have experience with weather and general reclaiming agency in the face of uncontrollable factors?

I've had a lifetime of chronic stress (domestic violence in childhood, parentification, emotionally unpredictable home, decades of feeling responsible for everyone else). About 18 months ago I developed a panic episode after an emotionally overwhelming event, and since then my nervous system feels completely different.

I developed chronic wrist, shoulder, and neck pain. PT has helped, and after starting therapy and learning I likely have anxiety/OCD tendencies, a lot of my pain actually decreased. That made me realize my nervous system is playing a much bigger role than I thought.

My biggest struggle now is that I don't trust my body anymore. I constantly question whether a sensation is a real injury or my nervous system sounding a false alarm.

For example, after a recent neck PT session that included gentle manual mobilization, I felt a wave of chills down my arms during treatment. Nothing dramatic happened afterward, other than wanting to run out to my car, cry, and get a hug from literally anyone, but now I'm hypervigilant about every neck sensation. I've been experiencing occasional facial tingling the past couple weeks since I discovered somatic experiencing and trying to read up on how to renegotiate trauma. I don't know what to believe anymore.

The emotional piece is that I don't have ANY support at home. When I'm scared, my family's response is usually that my anxiety is exhausting everyone and that I need to "toughen up." I think that's made it even harder for my nervous system to settle because I don't have anyone who can simply say, "You're okay, we'll figure this out together." I have ALWAYS been the safety net for others, but when its my turn, there is no one for me. There is also a lot of shame in my culture. When coming to others with a scary event, its YOUR fault. You are to blame. I shouldn't have let the PT work on my neck. No "are you ok? well I'm glad, maybe next time don't go through with it if you are uncomfortable". It just makes me fear the backlash more than the event itself. I can't extract myself from the home / my responsibilities.

Has anyone else reached a point where they genuinely stopped trusting their own body? If so, what helped you rebuild that trust?

1. Me: ⁠33 Male 5’8". Afghan-Tajik. Slim. Beard that connects and hairline that's intact (say mashallah). INTJ. Sunni.
2. ⁠Age Range ISO: 28-33
3. ⁠Location: NJ, USA but open to relocate. Would prefer someone in the North East (NJ/NY, Boston, DC). Toronto/Montreal/Ottawa is ok. Spouse should ALSO be willing to relocate.
4. ⁠Ethnicity ISO: Open to practically all ethnicities. However, would prefer NOT Desi and NOT Pashtun, UNLESS coming from a sufficiently "progressive" family. This is purely for lifestyle compatibility reasons.
5. ⁠Status: Single, never married, no kids. Would prefer the same.
6. ⁠Ideal marriage timeline: Nikkah within 9 months or so. At least 1.5 years before a legal marriage.
7. ⁠Me: compassionate, can hold a conversation, curious, trying to be more emotionally regulated, believes in mental health and doesn't weaponize therapy terms, has good relationship with his family.
8. ⁠Religiosity: I would like to attend Masjid more, but it's not feasible as its not close by and they are not very active in general, so currently I do not. Pray 5x a day, but not always on time. I don't regularly fast as health issues prevent me, so I do some days during Ramadan where feasible. I listen to music, but not all types. I do not use social media and would prefer my partner does not either.
9. ⁠Education: Bachelors of Science and MBA. ISO someone with equal education and financial literacy as I'd like to FIRE and DINK (but with kids, lol).
10. ⁠About me 2: elder brother to 2 younger sisters. Responsible, funny, good friend and conscientious. A little bougie, but knows how to budget. Not into showboating or living for approval of strangers. Parents are divorced.
11. I would like a few children, but I think Europe would be a better place to raise them than America if that does happen.
12. ⁠About You: Sunni (not a dealbreaker). Believes in a partnership - not 50/50, but 100/100 and a team effort towards meeting mutual goals. Open to the idea of moving (in general) to wherever is best for the family unit (USA/Canada/Europe). Preferably you have a large and loving family (not a dealbreaker). Ideally you will have gone to therapy or open to working on resolving any generational traumas, and not affecting the family unit. Enjoys conversation and have a positive personality, and can think deeply about topics. Please no Gen Z or chronically online personality traits, narcissism, stonewalling, or petulant characteristics (absolute dealbreaker).

the interface is probably one of the worst, it doesn't take into account filters like ethnicity (which doesn't really matter on the friend size) or distance (this one DOES matter).

Anyone have any luck? Masjid is very insular and not for my age range, unfortunately.

Millenial male btw.

I've got images across both platforms that are out of synch. I'd like to push my iphone photos to the google, and vice versa, but would like to avoid duplications. Is it possible?

I'm thinking of doing iphone > google > iphone then delete the duplicates off iphone, which should then delete off google?