Do you remember the first time your nervous system felt safe?
I’m about to turn 30 and just went through a difficult breakup with someone. It was sudden, just like they all are. He exploded his rage onto me, I cried hard, and then I returned fire. Just like I usually do.
I was trying to process everything with my post-going-to-therapy brain, and I realized that there is some sneaky little pocket inside of me that is regulated.
There are times I can remember in my life where I felt secure and unshakable and safe and regulated. I’ve felt that way for a few months while single and I’ve felt that way for a few months while building a new relationship.
But inevitably, something triggers me, and inevitably I hurt bigger than I should, because it’s happening again. Abuse as a child. Bullying as a teen. Chronic health and injury issues leading to depression that led me to abuse in my early 20s. An abusive boyfriend in my mid 20s. Friends dropping me as I’m being cheated on and failing professional licensing tests after that. I feel like every few months something extremely big and painful comes along. And perhaps I’m reacting from trauma, but perhaps life is just horrible like that? Like what if that’s the whole point. Life is the same as gambling, we get just enough joy to hit the button again, but never for long enough to trust that it’s anything other than fleeting. There’s no such thing as BEING regulated and fine. There’s only feeling regulated and feeling fine, feelings that can disappear quite easily. But nobody can BE fine. Right?
Are there people out there who have, idk, reasonable amounts of abuse/trauma that feel level? They can listen to someone they love tell them their insecurities as facts and they simply reject that as a mean statement? They don’t believe it? They don’t take it to heart and understand its truth?
The first time in my life that I ever felt regulated was when I was around 26 years old. I used to host dinner at my house on Friday nights and I remember I was making wings for everyone and I loved everyone there so much. And it was such a thing, people showed up, people wanted to be there because people actually liked me and wanted to be in that space. I remember those nights being the first time I realized that you can be in a room full of people and just be happy. No need to say anything specific or track certain conversations or clean up or worry. I remember being so happy that I finally found it, contentment, okayness. But then after a while, of course I tried dating again, and got cheated on and so on, so a few more years passed before I felt okay again.
Is feeling okay something we will always chase? Or is there some point in maturing that you just stop caring and it’s neither okay or not okay it just is? You’re stoic the way a river rock is smooth, from years of weathering. Feeling frustrated that I can’t ever seem to find it for very long and wondering if it gets better.