u/Adventurous_Scar5526

I am 18, , and have been seeing my boyfriend for 4 months now. I love him very much, and our relationship is completely healthy and I have been extremely happy. In the past 2 weeks, my brain has started to intensely project thoughts such as "you dont love him", "you have been faking your affection towards him" or "you are afraid of being alone and that is why you keep him around". I am now deeply anxious about the idea that I don't love him and that I have been lying to myself. Before, it would take one tiny thought to put me into a panic attack, in which I try so so hard to get rid of the thoughts but they keep reappearing over and over and over again. I try to prove them wrong by looking into my memories but I can never find solid proof that I do love him so I just begin the spiral again. In the past 3 days, I have still been getting these thoughts, but they now just silently creep up on me and bring me an empty sort of numbness. It generally just ruins my day and the thoughts have gotten worse after researching help and trying to find relatable videos. I now, for example, was in the bathroom, and my mind suddenly tells me; "you know this relationship isn't right for you, you are just lying to yourself." or "you know deep down this isn't right." I want so bad to believe that this is not my intuition, because my intuition has never ever come forth in a way in which it speaks directly to me like this. It feels like my head is trying to confuse me. I hate it so much because I just want to be affectionate to my partner and tell him I love him but I cant escape this shame and guilt of secretly believing that I don't love him. Its just so hard to type this out because I hate even thinking of the idea that I don't love him. My mind tells me that i'm just too scared to breakup with him because this is my first and longest relationship and I dont want it to go to waste, but I know myself and I know that it isn't true. I just wish i could let these feelings feel in peace without trying to combat them and oppose them, because this is the first person in my life I have loved so much and felt so comfortable around and I really, really do not want my mind to ruin it because its scared.