Hello (20F) i’m kind of in a rough situation;
I’ve been playing music my whole life: from piano, to guitar, to singing, music has always been a major thing in my life.
I’ve always had this burning passion, but I always stopped playing an instrument cause i got bored; with singing it never happened: maybe it’s because im really naturally good at it an I don’t have to make any effort in doing it, maybe it’s cause i actually only enjoy it.
I’ve been always the kind of person that does everything first try, so when I have to put effort in something, i just don’t do it and give up immediately.
Same thing happened when tried to compose again last year: picked up a guitar, played sol chess, arranged a melody and then thought about all my friend that were so much better than me, and gave up. What if I took seriously playing piano and guitar when i was little? Why didn’t I ever actually try? Why am I STILL complaining and not trying?
Last year I finally decided to put some effort in my passion, studied like crazy music theory and had voice lessons twice a week, trying to get into music school and major in singing. Unfortunately, I wasn’t good enough and I got rejected, wich lead me into a deep depression that lasted all summer.
Fast forward to now, I’m trying again, and my admission is in a bunch of days. I only focused my energies in singing lessons, I didn’t revise a single thing of music theory, as I am super lazy and I don’t wanna study again.
Either way, I’ve been so stressed and anxious, I stopped listening to music in the car, when walking my dogs, at home ecc: i only listen to podcasts now.
Did I really loose my passion, the thing that has been driving my whole life, or am I just scared?