Struggling in a relationship
Hi all, this is my first ever post on here so please forgive me if i over share or write down too much. I (24M) have been in a relationship with my Fiancée (23F) for just over 7 years and have lived together for around 2 years, our relationship has been incredibly rocky, to each of our own faults during our teenage years but we are trying to get back on track, however, I feel like I’m holding us back.
I have diagnosed ADHD since I was around 7 and have undiagnosed autism but i’m 100% sure I have it, when I was younger I was just hyper all the time and didn’t really had many of the issues I have now, I lost my mum in 2020 and then moved out in 2021, with my Fiancée moving in 2024 as mentioned, since I lost my mum I haven’t really been the same although people want me to be, I’ve found myself more angry, more prone to ‘losing my shit’ and struggling to do basic tasks without routine, which given the ADHD I don’t follow very well.
In our house, I pay for 90% of things and do the cooking, which I don’t mind and openly suggest I prefer it this way, all I ask of her is that she cleans, not even in the true way of the word, I don’t care for that, just please make sure everything is neat and that she loads the dishwasher after i’ve cooked. I am also the only ones who drives as of yet so I take her to work every morning. She has fibromyalgia, which means she is often fatigued and forgets stuff, the same as me. This leads to her sometimes not doing the dishes at night and leaving them until morning, which I have no problem with, but this means when I come home from work to cook for her sometimes the dishes are all still in the dishwasher and the counters have not been fully wiped down, so I need to do all of this before cooking which ruins the routine I had in my head before getting home.
I know this all sounds so trivial but I constantly ask if she can keep things neat and put away so that i can do everything else, as i said, I will literally do everything as long as it’s neat and ready for me to do so. This leads into arguments saying she feels like she has a child and that she is struggling as well and doesn’t understand why everything always has to cater to me and why my problems are more important then hers, they aren’t, I hate talking about my Audhd at the best of times because I don’t want people changing themselves for me, I just want to be treated normally even if i’m not.
I’ve been told that my outbursts scare her and she never knows what to expect, i don’t mean to meltdown and i hate it when i do, all my speech turns into shouting and i just break down, she told me she feels like a babysitter sometimes when I’m constantly asking “why” or when we have weekends away or book days out and i’m asking her what to do when we get there because even though i’ve been away before I haven’t been to this place specifically and even if i have, it might be different to last time, I try to prepare but I always end up regressing so hard, i know she is exhausted and she is thinking of leaving quite a lot, I don’t know what to do, I try to help her understand, i try to give her a list of things to help her help me but it doesn’t work, i know how hard it must be for her, i have no one in my life to talk to, i can’t talk to her because i feel like a child that can’t do anything right, I hate blaming stuff on my diagnoses. Ive got so much worse with what i’m capable of doing over the years since lockdown and i just need help