This is a take I've seen a couple of times on this subreddit, and it's one that hasn't left my head since I heard it. Specifically, I've been ruminating on my experience with my ex-fiance who is allo. When I finally found asexuality, I assured her that ace/allo relationships can work and that ace folks can have sex with allo partners. That's what I had seen in mainstream asexuality discourse at least, even in print. She was confused and kind of appalled by the suggestion, never suggesting or pressuring me for any kind of sexual contact again.
Looking back, I feel like she understood not just asexuality but consent itself much better than a lot of the mainstream ace discourse. I'm left with a lot of angry and uncomfortable questions:
- Why would anyone want to have sex with a romantic partner who didn't reciprocate their feelings? What does that say about such a person?
- Why should we erase our entire sexual identities for a partner?
- How is this any different from implying a homosexual person could live happily in a heterosexual relationship by just having sex to please their partner?
- Has anyone making these suggestions ever had a truly negative sexual experience? Do they not see the potential damage such claims represent?
Comparing unwanted sex to chores, food, or the other small compromises we make in relationships is a dangerous lie. Believe me, I would know. Sex was such an important part of a relationship to my allo ex that she left a multi-year relationship over it (which I will never understand), yet she never even suggested any kind of sexual contact between us after I came out. I didn't get the same response from the mainstream ace community, which is so deeply violating and fucked up it makes me wonder if allos actually understand us better. Curious if anyone else can relate.