r/actualasexuals

I can’t remember the origin, but I read someone say once that one theory for sexual attraction is that it is very often produced by an unresolved power dynamic. Sex and its sub/dom elements, along with receiving or inducing pleasure, is seen as a ‘resolution’ of this power dynamic. So once people are dating for a long time—particularly married because that’s when you ‘have’ somebody—and don’t question where they stand with one another, it’s no longer sexy or exhilarating.

Having an unresolved power dynamic just sounds like misery to me. Butterflies are just a physical symptom of anxiety. Why would I want to challenge someone to a “wrestling match” (as another user on this sub put it) when I could talk to them, or avoid them for someone who is more consistency and less mystery, someone who I can better relate to?

It makes no sense.

I find them a bit cringey myself, unless they serve a specific purpose to the plot, but that's very rare.

Asexuality can be alienating, but often I am glad to be this orientation. I was reading about the dangers of having sex and I am baffled why any woman would want to be sexually active. Bisexual and heterosexual women are at higher risks of getting STDs. You could also have an unplanned pregnancy because contraception isn't 100% effective, which could be awful of you live in an area with strict abortion laws. Abortion sounds uncomfortable too, but pregnancy and giving birth sound so traumatic. It also seems exhausting in relationships to have to compromise with different sexual drives. Life just seems a bit more simpler being celibate. YES I KNOW CELIBACY AND ASEXUALITY ARE DIFFERENT THINGS. If I was allosexual, I'd still rather cuddle than have sex because cuddling won't give you a disease?! Asexuality just makes me devoid of sexual attraction, which I'm grateful for because I have one less human being thing to have to satisfy. Also I'm not anti-sex I understand that most people on this earth are sexual beings, and that's okay, but they better practice safe sex at least. Unfortunately, it will be difficult for me to find a life-long partnership without sex being involved but I will try.

I'm sick of people saying that the whole "asexual spectrum" and "aromantic spectrum" is some progressive thing. It's not, it's just another way to avoid talking about us all because to the rest of the "community", we aren't asexual, greysexual/romantic or aromantic, we're just "the good" heterosexuals to them.

When will the "Asexual spectrum" community wake up and stop blindly listening to everything? Why does nobody question anything? In your entire time of just hearing, "Well you share some similarities with this other sexuality, so you're just a different version of them!", when this treatment isn't given to Lesbians, Gay Men and Bisexuals or Transgender, Non binary and Intersex? They get to be separate from each other but within a same section because they understand that while the core of their orientation is similar, they have different problems and views of their sexuality/gender... So why do you never question why this is only put upon US?

Asexual people, Greysexual/romantic people, Aromantic people, and people who align within multiple of those all exist, but we aren't the same. But simply because people can't accept that we are valid, that we are not just "glorified straight people", we are all obviously just the same. But hell, even that's not enough because guess what? Asexual People and Aromantic people CAN like sex/romance too! This way, they can be that AND gay!

Hooray! The Asexual Spectrum are oppressed now! Now we can integrate them into the community! We are absolutely doing this because of inclusivity and not because of our (internalized) aphobia. Asexuals are valid, but only if they can be gay and/or have sex!

Greysexual and romantic people too, aren't you going to question why you, who IS capable of feeling this attraction, but needs time or certain circumstances, is being considered the same as someone who will never feel it ever? Aren't you realizing that this is because they don't think you're valid either?

There is no "spectrum". Only leftovers, but this community will never realize that because they'll just keep licking the boots of those allonormative parasites who claim it's all in the name of inclusivity.

22M aroace here.

I’ve been in this sub a while, and I guess this is kinda more about aro than ace part. I am very lonely, and have been for a long while, and I am scared that this is just how things are going to be forever.

I constantly am bombarded by the “inevitable” eventuality of people getting married and having kids and not having times for friends anymore. But where does that leave me?

I imagine the response for many is QPRs, but that feels like it limits closeness to just other aroace people. But with the people I am friends with are by and large not that. I don’t want to lose these friends.

Everyone just acts like it’s okay, but it feels like the only people okay with that are those who have romantic relationships to fall back on. But I didn’t even get to have the close friendships in the first place and now I’m just supposed to say “oh well” and act like they never existed at all? Not to mention, as a guy whose friends are mostly girls there’s a stigma around anything I do; persistence isn’t just frowned upon its seen as codependent even in its minor forms.

Truth be told, I’m not wholly sure I’m fully aroace, I might be demi and I won’t know. But even then, it all seems wrong. Is the future really so lonely? Is it a cultural thing and can it be changed?

any advice or affirmation could help here. Thank you.

I don't get why demisexuality gets coupled with asexuality so often. I just read a book with an alloromantic asexual main character, and a lot of reviews said it's an "own voices" type of book, even though the author is demisexual??? Excuse me, but how are the struggles and lived reality of demis and aces even remotely alike? Demis basically become indistinguishable from allos the moment they develop an emotional connection to someone and become sexually attracted to them. The own voices bs of that particular book gets even more ridiculous considering a big plot point of the whole thing being about the main character not knowing how to admit to her crush that she's asexual and sex is off the table for her. If she was demi, this would literally be a complete non-issue because she'd eventually be perfectly capable of having an allonormative relationship with him. Basically, this whole subplot would just not exist if that were the case, just to show how this is very much not "own voices".

Btw, just to be clear, I'm not complaining about a demi author writing about an asexual main character, far from it. As an asexual who experiences romantic attraction myself, I was actually able to relate to the main character a lot when it came to her asexuality and I think the representation was mostly well done. There was also no talk about the spectrum bs in that book, which I greatly appreciate. It's the reviews that claim this book is own voices that bother me, because people's insistence of shoving demisexuals into the same box as asexuals bothers me, because their experiences and struggles are nothing alike and demis are more allo than ace imho, just for the simple fact that they can have allonormative romantic relationships without a problem, unlike actual asexuals.

im really confused. So, i told my therapist about being asexual and struggling with feeling that I'm not and getting confused. She told me to explore my sexuality without pressure, and I'm.. trying to find out what that's supposed to mean or what to do. I'm uh, i don't want to look at erotic content, i already had trouble with that in the past I'm sober and don't ever want to change that. But I don't know any other way of experimenting. Is it even right what she told me? Should i force myself to experiment? Because i kinda... I don't really feel like it. I kinda just want to do nothing. I just wanna feel safer that I'm asexual i don't really want to experiment about it, I'd like to find other ways to be sure I'm asexual rather than that.

I don't know how to explain my sexuality anymore other than explaining how i feel which is: "wow that looks uncomfortable" whenever i see sex. it doesn't look good, it looks like it smells and has too much sweat and body fluids, it looks like a weird wrestling match. Idk how to explain it, but that's the deepest reason i feel I'm asexual, i just don't understand why someone would want to do that when it just looks so... weird. Put someone having sex and idk, a pro wrestler match side to side and they're not that different! two people groping eachother while they shout swears. That sounds kind of hilarious actually. That's how i feel about sex. It doesn't look right and I can't understand why I'd want that

Hi everyone, i never really use reddit ( i didn't even know i had an account and don't know how to change my username haha) I am 23M from the uk and looking to meet some aces that are local!

I like to read, go on walks, play chess and learn new things (all the nerdy introvert stuff) i do sometimes go to pub quizzes, I am in a few asexual groups on facebook but had no luck!

I wish i could say more about me other than i'm quite, sensible, silly. as being asexual i am mostly sex adverse, I don't really think about it, dont need or want it in a relationship but i would love to meet other people like me!

Let's have a chat! <3

Just unsubbed from AsexualDating, because, even putting aside the quality of the personals on there, it was so disturbing to constantly be subjected to the "Advice" posts which basically were either "How can I sexually coerce my partner," "My partner is sexually coercing me," or "How can I cheat on my partner"

Just so absolutely disgusting.

Anyone else experience this?

I went to Pride and I wanted to buy a large fan (the Boots on the Ground kind lol), and the vendor had every flag except ace, aro, and aroace.

After that I decided to look around to see if it was a trend this year, and yup. Most vendors had no ace merch.

This is why I always feel so disconnected from the LGBTQIA+ community.

Love the community in general, but I know I'm not exactly welcome.

I did find a lady selling knit merch that had ace colors, got me a bikini top shirt and hat, but she was selling outside of Pride in front of a food market hall.

i mean freaky in the original definition, someone who gets called a freak. I've always been called a freak, i was called by people because of being trans and because of being autistic. then i saw a lot of people nowadays identify with being a "freak", and thought that meant i was finally going to be accepted. No, circles that were proud about being "freaky" were still just as hateful towards me even though they prouded themselves on being weird. And i found the algorithm, how it works in people's head. They like everything you are as long as it's a fetish, or it means they have a chance at having sex with you. example: i carry a plushie everywhere i go for emotional support, did that since i was a child was never able to stop. i have a pacifier to sleep because it calms me down, i like cartoons and kids shows. People flooded towards me about that, they really liked those traits of mine and for the first time I thought yay my weirdness is accepted and even appreciated! but then they disappear into the wind once they realize this isn't a sex thing. Once they ask you to call them "daddy"(????) and you say no, they vanish. They might even call you names or get angry like "oh why would you present that way though if you aren't gonna be kinky." maybe it's none of your business, idiot. People accept what's different as long as it's their sex fantasy and flee and even get mad when it's not.

Content Warning: compromise sex, poor consent practices

For some context, I stayed roommates with my ex-boyfriend, and we've been fine as roommates past some initial awkwardness about the breakup about 2 years ago. Also, this was a gay relationship, which is not super relevant but I'd rather people didn't assume I'm a woman.

I was the one who broke up with him, after two years of compromise sex wrecked my mental health. I was also recognizing at the time I'm likely greyromantic or something. I named the lack of romantic feelings and sexual incompatibility as the reason for the breakup, though I didn't disclose just how much the compromise sex ultimately hurt me. That felt like my own fault for agreeing to it.

Last night he asked me for a hug and told me he was feeling very sad and anxious. So I tried to comfort him. He wanted to cuddle and I agreed to that. Cuddling felt nice, honestly. Sometimes I miss the emotional closeness. But then he became progressively more and more sexual. He wasn't forceful, but he also didn't ask, and he pushed some boundaries.

Through some confusing mix of people-pleasing/fawn response and wanting emotional closeness, I allowed things to progress even as I felt more and more disconnected. It felt a bit like autopilot. I ended up feeling really stupid and ashamed afterwards.

Obviously I need to talk to him about what happened, but I could use some support and advice from anyone who has been in similar situations.

I am a sex-repulsed asexual as well as aromantic. I despise both sex and romance.

But unfortunately, literally EVERYTHING on the internet is either sex related or romance related.

There is genuinely no space where i feel like i belong, not in real life nor online. Even in this subreddit and all other ace or aro related subreddits, I see a lot of people talking about sex and romance (no hate to anyone, i am just expressing and telling my experience).

This entire world is centered on it. Everyone on the internet talks about it 24/7. Everyone IRL talks about it 24/7 too.

All types of medias like comics/mangas and movies and books and shows/animes include these types of stuff. I literally can't find anything that excludes it.

I feel unhappy in this world. I don't like this reality. There is no way to escape it at all, i tried. I do not feel peace in my life.

This is written rushed and poorly, and english is my 3rd language, but i hope i was able to explain my POV.