u/jolittlelene

my meltdowns get physical a lot, they're loud and physical and I've hurt people during them before. It caused me to lose lots of friends and got exposed on social media for physical abuse and lost everyone i cared about. But i can't promise anyone i get close to that it won't happen, i know it will at some point and there's a chance of people getting hurt. The only way is for people to keep distance when it gets bad, but rarely people do, only my parents know to distance it feels like, people don't listen.

It feels sometimes like only my parents understand and don't blame me for it, it feels like I'm a ticking timebomb where people stop seeing me as just disabled to a threat that needs exposing and danger signs.

there's a lot of negativity around "the curse" of being ace but i think we should also try to look at some of the good , despite the yearning and loneliness.

Remember that allo people constantly ruin their lives and keep relationships with terrible terrible people only for sex, or overlook problems and make bad life choices just for a chance at sex. We don't have to deal with that, and that's already a big benefit

I was thinking about like, what would i enjoy in a romance, and it's always very silly. It's like, a fantasy prince or princess coming to give me flowers and call me beautiful. I realized my brain doesn't really have a concept of romance or sex, both of those things are quite alien to me and mostly shaped by the books and cartoons i watched as a child. It's weird because like, i have the Idea of what romance should be but it just doesn't match with what anyone would actually call romance, it doesn't come with kisses or anything mode than a bit of handholding, it's chaste and covered in rose tinted glasses, and basically just pretend playing house.

hi!! I'm home discharged from the hospital after my orchi! (removal of the testicles)! that i mentioned the other day in the subreddit!

im really happy and excited!! no more libido, no more breeding, no more (arent you gonna have kids some day??) just me , and myself!

all october i get to be mean to all kinks

I'm a victim of grooming, and I've realized that my relationship with sexuality can't be separated from that, i dislike sexual things and in specialty things that remind me of what was done to me.. kinks like ageplay.. anything involving abuse or power.. it's terrifying. but I've been put down a lot for this, primarily by people who are overly kinky and developed these kinds Because of childhood grooming. It's weird how one is celebrated while the other is repeatedly shamed.

I don't know why this keeps happening. usually it's guys around me, mostly ones who watch anime, but it's a common "joke" around them to keep talking about femboys and how femboys are hot and usually they're talking about anime characters that look like girls but apparently aren't? and i keep thinking is this a sex thing..? but when i ask usually they say no, they're straight, so it can't be a sex thing. ugh . i think i need better friends or a better "is this sex thing" detector.

hi, im taking strattera at 40mg for 3 months now, ever since i started i woke up every night, shivering cold, and my bedding and clothes soaked through, enough that i don't have enough sleep clothes anymore because all of them just get Soaked entirely by sweat. It's terrible, and i was wondering if this ever gets fixed? I'm tired of having to wash my bedding every night, and also waking up so cold I'm literally shivering.

I'll be in fandoms and see art that looks completely innocent, and then I'll send someone and they'll tell me it's sugestive. And i just stare at it like. I wish i had a Sensor or a radar to understand what people feel when they see these things so i could understand when something is fetish art. I can kinda tell with like, when there's big breasts or someone is naked i can kinda guess it's suggestive, but half the time it's something that looks completely innocent to me (sometimes it's just drawn children existing) and I'll send someone like Hey look at this cute drawing! and I'll be told it's fetish art and I'll have to apologize profusely and remember okay so, this is , something somehow that's meant to be arousing, okay.

I wish i had allo brain sometimes to be able to tell and understand when something is arousing.

i don't know how to explain, but i see it in memes, jokes, passing comments, everyone says things that sound mean or i think are mean, and I can't understand why they're saying it. Or say things that aren't real and can't be real. It's been driving me insane my whole life, i can't understand why people say they don't like something, but then talk about it like they like it later. I know it's humor and it's funny, but i don't understand Why it's funny, i like saying nonsense and things that can't make sense sometimes, but i do it in ways that i know are funny because they can't make sense, but sometimes people say things that can kind of make sense and then i can't tell if it's real or they're doing a joke.

Hi, this is a quick vent post, but i was talking to friends in an autism community and told them that i live with my parents because i need to be cared for, and got replies "well i have to live alone, I don't have an option not to" and it made me feel bad because i feel like that assumes things a lot. Because it's not an option, if i had to live alone I'd probably just die or something, I don't know, I've never been there, but i know it doesn't work it's not a "choice".

I don't like sex , i know that instinctively because i just don't like being touched at all, being touched is overwhelming, and scary, and i just want people at a distance 100% of the time if i can. my parents know this, my caregiver knows this, my school knows this even it's in the guidelines for how to interact with me to not touch me

But that's the problem, how do i know if I'm asexual when I don't want anyone to touch me!

That means I don't want sex, sure, but is the reason because I don't have attraction or just because my sensory processing doesn't allow for sex? I'm always so confused.

Sometimes i wish i could find out what causes this. My therapist has no worldly clue. Just tells me to "experiment" but I can't experiment with something that i don't want to do! it's just so stressful and overwhelming to be touched like that.

sometimes i think, maybe i would enjoy sex if i was drugged or intoxicated, i could test that one day, then i wouldn't feel my sensory information. but then.. that's rape not sex.

So yeah, i have no idea. Sex needs touch, i hate touch, so I can't find out if I'm asexual or just touch averse -> so don't like sex.

im aroace, but i crave love somehow. But it's hard to explain. i think i just want someone who pretends to be my partner and we talk back and forth nice words and happy things and say i love you, but we don't meet and don't touch don't kiss don't sex. i just want a person who's always there to tell me about their day and me to tell them about my day and we share our life events and talk to each other about it and talk about how much we love each other but don't do any Actual romance things like kiss and hug and cuddle and stuff.

hi, my parents wanted me to do one extra class this semester, i felt bad because i thought i had landed on a more safe and less meltdown standard for me of 3 classes, but they really wanted me to do 4 so i wouldnt graduate too too late. So i got really bad but said yes, but it isn't working good i'm not adapting at all to having more classes. So i asked the acessibility lady to drop one class and they let me drop one class so now i have 3 again and i feel safer. But my parents got really mad that i dropped one class and said i need to push my boundaries to get better. I just want some advice and stuff because i really dont want to work more than that.

hi, I'm trying to work on this because I keep losing friends when i have a meltdown and then they don't want to stay anymore. It's a pattern that has happened to so, so many friends now. It sometimes feels like I'm a time-bomb waiting for something to set me off and lose a friendship. I tried some things, like noticing when I'm overwhelmed and getting physically away from people, or telling people what they gotta do when im overwhelmed, but sometimes I don't predict it it's very immediate and explosive by some trigger or another and then all logic is out of the table and i do terrible terrible things and 80% of the time that person never wants to talk to me again. Right now I'm returning to university, so I'm pushing my limit so i Know I'll have more meltdowns than i do on my baseline, how do i stop from losing people so often if i know my meltdown amount is gonna be increasing

i browse ao3 wanna see my favorite interests and then its 99% either smut or romance andthere's no easy way to block all tags of that kind so im just reading lists of kinks and going Oh jesus no ptsd flashbacks over and over because no website has a simple "turn off porn" button that works

im really confused. So, i told my therapist about being asexual and struggling with feeling that I'm not and getting confused. She told me to explore my sexuality without pressure, and I'm.. trying to find out what that's supposed to mean or what to do. I'm uh, i don't want to look at erotic content, i already had trouble with that in the past I'm sober and don't ever want to change that. But I don't know any other way of experimenting. Is it even right what she told me? Should i force myself to experiment? Because i kinda... I don't really feel like it. I kinda just want to do nothing. I just wanna feel safer that I'm asexual i don't really want to experiment about it, I'd like to find other ways to be sure I'm asexual rather than that.

Hi this is a happy post. I have a plushie that i carry around since i was a kid, and over the years he's getting pretty flat, i joke that he's on a diet! but recently i looked online and found out he can get fluffy again by buying new fluff, and i wanted to do it but i cried a lot it looked scary when i thought about doing it, like doing surgery, but my mom said she'll do it for me! i'm really excited to have him fluffy and nice again, it's been a while since he's been as huggable as he used to be and i think its gonna be really nice.