r/SpicyAutism

I'm recovering from being blown off for "making AI generated posts" when in actuality I spent 3-12 hours researching, compiling, formatting, and spell checking the post, in order to make it as high-quality and legible as possible. Often this is needed in highly technical discussions like software pull requests and bug reports, and I have to work extra hard as an autistic person to make my words sensible to neurotypicals. It feels so offensive, invalidating, painful, triggering, and miserable to have all that effort and the core idea itself blown off and then have people try and convince me that I'm lying when I say I wrote it myself without machine learning tools. Like it's heartbreaking. I'm so mad.

This is just the most recent example. I was just trying to help improve my favorite digital stim toy (I use ScummVM to play old Humongous Entertainment games from my childhood on my phone to divert meltdown energy.) Seriously, why did they even think it was made by an LLM? like what is it about how I write that makes people think it's LLM output?

A few days ago, my service dog and i walked to the park. He was not vested because I wanted to give him a sniff walk. So he could relax.

It was 605 p.m. when this happened and still light outside. We were at the entrance to the park by the house of some people I know.

This was a regular public park, not a dog park.

There were two men maybe in their 30s w two dogs.

The older dog was off lead. I remember him coming at us once by the tennis courts, a couple of summers ago I think, when a younger woman was with him. The dog's name is Percy.

The younger dog was on lead and his owner looked familiar but i am face blind.

Percy's owner looked like someone I've seen at recovery meetings, but again, I am not sure because I am face blind.

Percy, who was off-lead, detoured and came straight towards my dog. My dog is trained not to respond to otger dogs unless I say itvis okay. My dog was sitting quietly by my side.

The man yelled, "Percy. Percy," and "leave it."

Percy got halfway to us.

I said "Keep your dog under voice control."

[The dog laws here allow dogs off-lead if they listen and return to the owner right away if called.]

The man said "its okay" and walked towards his dog.

I said, "It is not okay. Keep your dog under voice control."

Percy saw him coming and stopped running to us. Percy then sat.

The man put a lead on him.

Then the man started making fun of me.

He said "Wa wa wa."

"How old are you ma'am?"

I said "how old are YOU."

This was none of his business I thought.

He said, "Wa wa wa grow up".

And "This is a dog park."

[We were not in the dog park. The dog park is down the hill].

And "wa wa wa."

And "Why are you alone?"

That came out of left field. Also, if he heard me share at recovery meetings, that was uncool.

I said, "Keep your dog under voice control."

The man took two steps closer but I didn't move back. I carry a whistle in case I need help.

His friend was telling him to stop.

I started walking into the park and away from them to put distance between us.

I didn't want to walk back down my street because I didn't know if the man was going to try to follow me or not.

And then the man said something rude w a curse word.

And "wa wa wa."

I said, "This is not a dog park, and [I said a bad curse word.]

My dog remained under control. We walked away towards the east end of the park.

I did breathing to help my anxiety.

That part of the park has exits every block.

We went to another street exit and left.

The man and Percy were walking up the block ahead. I waited for them to leave. They did not see me.

My emotions were activated but i was okay.

I was able to get out, take walks, and go on with my days the last few days.

I felt worse the next morning.

I told a few people what happened.

Now this morning i don't understand why he did that to me. I am very old. It feels like kids teasing me at school and it doesn't really stop.

I have had bad experiences in multiple autism subs to the point peoples comments has made me suicidal multiple times. And what is really triggering is reading through those places and seeing no one else being treated how i was. Most people are understood there but when i would talk about my issues it would blow up into a huge thing with downvotes and comments rushing in invalidating me from every angle.

I feel broken and worthless.

My parents do not believe my issues. Internet does not. Government does not. No one does.

I feel so fundamentally broken and bad in every way.

When i would get comments upsetting me i would try to stand up for myself and instead ppl would get angry and downvotes me. Never do i ever see that happen to others, ive seen ppl in similar situations defend themselves and getting understood.

I feel like something must be off about me do u understand what i mean?

I have had similar experience in mental health internet groups where everyone despises me and people would get extremely angry at me talking about my problems even tho i didnt understand why.

It feels like everyone in every single spaces hates me and wants me dead. I guess there is something about me that must be so deeply deeply obviously wrong and bad that i don't notice that makes ppl want to drive me suicidal or something.

It dosent help that i dont have family except parent who dont care and dont understand at all and i dont have friends and internet hates me and im expected to survive.

So many times ive ended up hurting myself because of these things and it just keeps happening. Sometimes i would talk about how much those things affect me and it would just lead to people getting even more angry and hating me which just would make me so distressed i would feel psychotic. And i dont mean psychotic as an adjective i would genuinely get so distressed and isolated that i would get psychosis symptoms.

I stay away from any spaces now i only post here. Interesting that in here that has rarely ever happened and ppl here seem to all understand me.

Transition give meltdown. Me no like meltdown. Big and scary. Get hurt. Scream. No want bruise and feel bad. Autism hard. Try timer. Try first then. No help. Night extra hard. Awake to sleep make extra bad meltdown. Sometime last hours. Hurt. No get why. Has Plushie and dark room and no pressure self but still too much. Confuse and sad.

Mad frustrated confused

Scared to meltdown at home because everything gets taken away until I'm "better" so can't feel no no no because feeling means lose anything to care about. Stuck at home no working no friends have lost technology. Can't go to friend's wedding for just one day free.

But on other side have worked places where is "meltdowns are just how you feel things" reduce shame make it safe. Not safe don't leave me to meltdown day and day and day slam head into walls bite scream not SAFE.

Why is there no middle? Help to keep me safe WHEN I feel? Can't all be prevented tired tired tired keep myself zoned out read read read scared to fall apart. Too much always. 

Tired tired tired everything everything everything scared 

Can't do anything til better

What is better even

Not improving just HIDING scared not existing in brain so can be free but why why why if freed then won't be able to handle not actually better

Not okay 

I have autism but it feels like im not allowed to be autistic by others around me. My parent for example but just people in general, my parent will watch love on the spectrum and she love the show and the autistic people on it but the moment i am autistic, i am made to feel like i am a disgusting, rude, lazy, difficult monster.

I notice this just in general too, that there is so much compassion for people for example on love on the spectrum or certain autistic content creators but the moment i am autistic my autism is fake and an excuse and my issues are abusive.

During my autism assessment, my IQ test was in five parts. I scored really high on two parts, average in one part...and then two parts were low, down in the 80s. And those deficits are extremely noticeable in my day to day life, even if everything averaged out to give me a "normal" IQ because of my strengths. It's not noticeable when I type or speak, and because of that, people don't believe me when I tell them that I had areas of the test that scored in the 80s range - even though the parts that were in that range have nothing to do with how well I can communicate.

People tell me "if your IQ was in that range, it would be noticeable". Again, it IS noticeable, not in a single Reddit comment, but I notice it every day in my actual irl life. People tell me "IQ tests are all made up". Okay, well the problems that the test found are things I kind of knew I struggled with beforehand, the problems are real no matter what you want to call them. But the worst is when people try and inspire me, they think I'm beating down on myself when I say it, they tell me to try taking the test again, that maybe I was having an off day, maybe I didn't take the test right. I DID!! I always have to assure everyone it is not my self confidence! In fact, the test pointing out problems in those areas was actually very affirming, because I used to think I just wasn't trying hard enough at things. And then they go quiet because they don't know how to reconcile my existence with their (often negative) preconceptions of people with low IQ.