r/SpicyAutism

I was bullied from grades 7 - 12, almost every single adult at school failed to do anything about it, i’ve been depressed and had to do therapy from 2019 until 2026 (now), i became a loner in college in fear of getting uncomfortable / more hurt, my college days are over and i’m friendless where i live (i’m also an immigrant), i feel genuinely robbed of a healthy development and i miss my childhood every day that i exist. Most people have told me “i’m always on my head” or that “i have to stop being a victim” while some of my bullies have been living their lives.

Don’t tell me “you don’t” bc i NEED to get over this

This is a weekly post for lower support needs autistics, self diagnosed/self suspecting autistics, and allistics to ask things towards higher support needs autistics.

In this post, feel free to ask questions, seek information, or look for advice or insight.

Examples of things we tend to get asked, would be experiences in assisted living/group homes/living dependently. It may be about our support needs around daily activities and how we manage it. It may be questions around our experiences as we were children. Or it could even be how we handle life now or how we manage working or not working, etc..

Please avoid any questions regarding help in differentiating levels, or seeking help in trying to work out what your level or support needs are. We don't know you, we don't know your experiences, we are not professionals.

And remember, if you are a higher support needs autistic, you do not have to engage in any questions that you are uncomfortable with. You do not have to engage with the post at all.

Please keep all questions and comments respectful and civil. Be patient with eachother. If you don't understand a question or comment, please ask for clarification.

I hope to get advice on this. It is torture. There is nothing in this world I care about and desire the way I do my special interest. It’s a book series with a movie and a show adaptation, I love it all more than anything. It’s been my special interest since I was 12 and I don’t think it will ever change, I’m 17 almost 18 now. Sometimes I will fixate on a different movie or show but I always come back to my special interest and it’s rare for anything else to grab my interest, it makes me anxious to watch something different from my few select interests. My problem is there is a third season of the show coming out in less then a month, early June, and every time I think about it or watch a trailer or go online I get so extremely excited and overwhelmed that I get sudden severe panic and it’s so fast and horrible that I get physically sick. My heart pounds so loud I can hear it, my chest hurts and it’s beating, it flashes and feels cold and hot like I’m dying, my breath is short, my stomach hurts and my head it’s like I’ll pass out, my arms feel numb and weak. And it’s all from happiness but it’s happiness that becomes so painful.

This isn’t the first time this happens but it’s getting so bad I can’t handle it. I used to have a social media and got a lot of followers in the fandom cuz I always was posting about it but people were so horrible and mean to each other I deleted everything cuz I couldn’t handle it and how people talk about my favorite thing. Now I feel defensive over it, like I’m so super excited and it’s all I want to think or talk about but at the same time anyone else watching it or talking about it makes me so angry and panicked, like it’s only allowed to belong to me. I know thats stupid, it’s how I am about my childhood special interest from when I was 5-11 too. It’s like, since I know every single thing about it and it’s my whole world, I need everyone to know I am the expert and it’s my thing. Even though I hate how people are on the internet, I think the feelings worse now I don’t have a social media because now there’s no outlet where I feel like I can claim to the world and everyone that it is my thing. I feel protective and like I can’t handle this. It’s so so much. It’s mostly joy but it’s joy so overpowering I’m in pain and feel so dizzy and sick. Google says this is normal for autism special interests because the chemicals adrenaline released that happens with autism interests is so intense it can become a fight or flight response, so I feel better knowing I’m not dying or anything.

I don’t know what to do. The panic is horrible but it’s not nearly as horrible as not being able to engage with my special interest. I don’t know what to do. It’s so overwhelming that this new season is happening and my excitement is too much for me to handle in my body or put anywhere. And I could try talking or going online and sharing about it but I get anxious and panicked from that too cause I want to keep it to myself, I don’t want other people to interact with it cuz it’s mine. In my real life everyone associates me with the series because I’m talking about it all the time. My teachers know and many read the books or the show/movie and they know I know more about it than anyone else. It makes me feel better that people in my life understand how important it is to me and that it’s my world, but the idea of having to share it with the world because lots of people watch it just hurts and panics me as well. I don’t know whats wrong with me, cause it should be making me happy that this season is coming out and everyone’s watching it, and it does, but it also makes me so overwhelmed. Anyone relate or have advice? Thank you a lot

I really wanna find one but just searching aac on the app store doesn't help much, i'd like people's opinion on them

Ok so I decided to bring this debate here because I think maybe yall might understand me better. I’ve been analyzing the concept of autistic masking and have gotten a bit hyperfocused on a particular inconsistency.

I have seen many people online particularly level 1, LSN talking about their experience with masking and how they’ve never really known who they are and tend to mirror other people and be like a chameleon by taking on parts of others personalities. And I just do not relate to that. Now I’ve been wondering if perhaps maybe I’m just not very high masking so I don’t understand that degree of masking but for me masking is solely the suppression of my autistic traits so I can blend in better and not be socially punished.

I’ve always known who I was and what I like and felt strongly and the only times I’ll “mirror” might be unconscious learning about what’s acceptable conversation or tone or facial expression but not like copying anyone specifically or trying to be like anyone else.

So this got me wondering, and not just because I don’t experience it but because based on the definition of autistic masking it is centered around suppression of traits. Now that being said I understand that allistic people mask too and there’s different types of masking. When it comes to this chameleon camouflage trait, it was something only coined more recently in autism as more women were later diagnosed and they noticed this pattern among them. However this is not a pattern noted previously in masking and personally I don’t believe in male vs female phenotypes of autism. To me this type of masking doesn’t seem autism specific is seems to be seen in any neurotype and in fact is actually more so mentioned as criteria for BPD or even NPD and could possibly be more related to trauma than autism.

Does that make sense? What do yall think? My issue is with the definition of autistic masking feeling too broad and I cannot say that camouflaging isn’t a part of autism for sure of course and this is absolutely not a way to dismiss people who are autistic because I think it could just possibly be trauma or another comorbid neurodivergence / PD contributing to this “loss of identity” and need to “camouflage and mirror”.

Edit: I appreciate yalls comments and not invalidating my point of view. I think a big point that I’m trying to make is not that it isn’t a type of masking but rather that it isn’t specific to autistic masking. That anyone can mask in the chameleon / mirroring type sense. It’s not that I don’t mirror at all, I learned from scripts on TV as a kid, I unconsciously learn how to human by observation like everyone does. But I’ve always known who I am, I’ve never adopted the personality of anyone specific or copied anyone on purpose or practiced facial expressions in the mirror or tried to copy others expressions or tone. And at the end of the day there’s no right answer, it is complex. I guess I’m just tired of seeing that as the loudest voice about what masking is.

Hello again my Spicy friends,

Sorry for how wordy this post is this is a symptom for me

For context to this post I am a 25 year old person with ASD 2, i am "independent" (as in i live away from home now and don't have a carer or anything) but don't work (never have) and struggle a lot with household tasks self-care eating etc. and emotional regulation, i am hyperverbal but struggle to make clear points (i often need someone else to interpret & condense my train of thoughts for me) and talk way too much without understanding when its my turn to start or stop. I flucuate between LSN/MSN but this is compounded by ptsd ocd adhd a tic disorder and a lot of 'psychomotor agitation' (rocking etc.) as my psychiatrist put it. aka I am fine one on one but I can be a bit odd and people can find me uncomfortable very easily or interpret me as scary or selfish/malicious sometimes even i think which upsets me a lot to consider.

I am also a religious person (Anglican Catholic) studying theology, and spend a lot of time in churches doing various things from altar serving to setup to study group, and also there's charity volunteer work I do associated with this a lot. I am trying to become a priest or deacon eventually (not trying to bring politics into this, I am mentioning for context + this is my special interest and the only field where my single-mindedness can work for me).

I volunteer weekly at a community lunch where I am very well liked, and I have many people within church contexts, including those who are ordained priests, who understand my autism and treat me as a respectable adult despite everything and will advocate for me and vouch for me. In fact the niche I'd like to fill if I am to ever be ordained is in autistic theology & ministry and adaptations of more ritualistic service structures to eg. be accessible for a HSN child & their family and more practical things like that, and approaches to God through the autistic lens. But this is a bit of a sidetrack now. In short there are understanding people around me in an environment where I can be openly singleminded and autistic happily and I have a constant stream of grandmothers at my beck & call if I should so need one

But outside of these familiar contexts, and into secular contexts, or even my own friend group, I think I struggle a lot with how I am percieved and with acting like a 'real adult'. I know I am 25 and I have the intellect but my only comforts are plush toys and I think I take a bit of a childish enthusiasim for things and my roundabout speech doesn't help. It doesn't help I look young etc. I look at my same-age peers and there's something just fundamentally different or they are surprised to hear I am in fact 25.

But I don't know how to dress "like an adult" (i don't dress weird or anything i just have had the same clothes since i was like 12 and don't see a point in changing them), I don't know how to tone down my excitement, and I cry at the drop of a hat. I have had multiple instances where I just start crying over nothing and can't really control it. I don't cry loud, I just cry, like everything hits me too much. This emotional dysregulation and percieved emotional childishness and the things that comfort me often made my ex quite angry at me and it's behaviour that as a kid was tried to remove from me via punitive measures.

I also pee my pants. A lot. I have done this since I was a kid and cannot stop. It sucks. I don't know if others notice, but I notice it, and thankfully now it's very minimal kind of incidents that don't leave me smelling awful. it's just embarassing to know that it's happening in the middle of a context where I am supposed to be behaving and looking a certain way. i also pick my nose, don't think twice about wiping my hands on my clothes, and i spill my food everywhere when I eat and struggle a lot with neatness. If I am asked to do dishes or chop certain things at my volunteer gig I have to decline and ask others to do it because water goes everywhere or whatever I'm chopping up will go flying around.

Not everyone - even into religious professional contexts, in the street, etc - is going to be as accepting of my disability even with explanation and people advocating for me. This is something that could cost me my dream vocation and the only thing I can do (that childish perception of me and childish presentation). It's very frustrating.

I understand others definitely feel the same way I do. But how do we deal with it? How do you bridge that gap where you are technically an intellectual and OK but you are fundamentally different and seem stuck in some psuedo-childhood forever due to your disability. And how do I stop crying at literally everything that makes me feel rejected or 'in trouble' when I am a full grown adult? I suppose what I'm asking is; how do I mask? : ( I don't think it's a skill I can learn, but if anyone has tips for managing yourself emotionally in socially acceptable ways or presenting yourself as Not A Child when you need to, that would help, because right now I don't really know how to escape it and feel more in-line with my peers.

I am friendly. I want to make friends, especially if they share my interests. But I struggle a lot with writing professionally and I can't seem to get my thoughts together when it comes to wanting to talk about stuff I am passionate about and it ends up writing out wrong, and either way i can't join anyone's already started discussion because i also struggle a lot with that for the same reasons. Even when it is just art i struggle to compliment it because no words will come to me but I really don't want to leave it at just a like I want the artist to know just how much i like it! I am not witty and have nothing good to say. I also want to create, i want to create art and write fanfiction but I have literally nothing in my brain, I am cursed to wanting to create but I have no creativity.

A friend told me to try this other app to socialize. I had confidence one day and posted on that same app this sort of character discussion i guess because I had a thought that their family and friends also influenced them being mean to another character. People started getting mad at me and i was confused and then my friend said the way i wrote it sounded like I was excusing the character's bad actions. I didnt want to do that at all! I am glad for my friend by the way, he understands me and helps me put my words together more clear and doesn't get mad at me. We had a very serious discussion a few days ago about a topic and he helped fill in for the words i couldnt find and stuff, it made me so happy I was stimming so hard!

Fandom spaces also scare me and make me feel alone for other reasons but I will skip that because it's less of an autism issue.

It really hurts because i really want to talk to other people about my interests but I still feel really alone even on the internet, and yes i know i should just give it up and enjoy it myself on my lonesome but i am friendly and i want human interaction desperately, I imagine my persona on the internet is the same as my persona was in real life when i had a "friend group" , sitting in a corner on the floor with knees tucked to my chest and just listening to every one at the table speak and wishing i could chime in too, make them laugh too and make them think i am smart with the things i have in my head.

i am smart, i think, in my own way even though i am intellectually disabled, i have serious topics in my head, but its like a dumped box of puzzle pieces in there. and hypothetically the puzzle put together creates a cat image. I know the puzzle piece create a cat image but i cant put them together, and other people don't see a cat image so they are confused, but I also can't prove it's a cat image.

Ok I think that is enough (I feel like im forgetting something though aah!). I never know how to end posts, it's so awkward... ~.~ what characters do you headcanon as autistic? :D I headcanon Jack Marston from Red Dead Redemption hehe

and this might sound silly, but it's that because I can't handle violence in media for the most part (I say most part because I can handle Tokyo Mew Mew very well and that has some violence) or anything too weird or out there and when it comes to shows, I usually can only fully understand shows aimed at preschoolers, with some exceptions like Tokyo Mew Mew, it's made it so that I end up curling up into a ball and feeling weak.

Part of why I love Tokyo Mew Mew is even because Ichigo is strong without being violent when she finishes the monster off. She purifies them and the monster reverts back to being an animal. I know it was meant to show that one can be feminine and strong at the same time but I also see it as one can be non-violent and strong at the same time.

I often compare myself to others because I see so many people online be able to handle shows I can't handle and it makes me jealous and even upset at myself. I'm not joking when I say it's usually just preschool shows I can understand fully and follow along.

I've been trying to cope with this the best I can with this quote that Ichigo Momomiya or Mew Ichigo from the Tokyo Mew Mew reboot/remake said in episode 2 "You know who you should care about most of all? Yourself" and that's true, I should learn to love myself more and take care of myself more. When it comes to TV shows, typically preschool shows like Blue's Clues and Bear in the Big Blue House are the most healing for me and keep me calm and focused.

Hey guys.

I was wondering if those with bipolar show mania differently?

I have all the typical signs and even psychosis but I dont get the pressured speech or excessive talking. I still speak in quiet normal monotone no matter what the situation is.

Is anyone else this way?

finally got my learner's permit at 29. I failed 3 times when I was younger and have been super scared to take it again. everyone important in my life got some bad news today (today sucks). but i finally got over my fear and did it. i got rlly overwhelmed at the DMV but I did it.

Hello! This is my first time here.

I have now read a bit more about autistic experiences, because my partner keeps saying that it affects me more than I even realize. They are probably right. Over the years it has become super hard to get a grasp of my struggles. I have failed ADHD questionnaire before, because I couldn't understand any of the questions in real life and in my life. So I got almost 0 points, but now that my therapist strongly suspects I have it and I'm fighting to get 2nd opinion, it's extremely hard. I got almost full points in adulthood but not in childhood. The person who tested me, didn't wrote everything and took off something they already wrote. I made a complaint but I haven't heard back. I'm waiting to get more testing, but nobody gives me appointments or keeps me track on anything, even though they should and I have asked for that.

I'm very down for this all. I feel like the whole world have turned against me. I have tried to apply for aids, but everything comes back as "you're able to work", etc. My daily life is mostly waking up, eating, being on phone, going to sleep. I can't do anything, my ability to start anything is basically 0. And with all these appointments and stuff, I don't know what is expected of me. I feel like nobody takes me seriously. I explain myself wrong and nobody else don't really have in depth understanding of my situation. I have told to professionals that I don't understand questions and they have wrote to my papers that I have problems understanding. I'm hyperverbal but at the same time I think I come across wrong. I look very able, intelligent, etc.

I'm very bad person to my partner and family too. I always talk about my own problems or interests, I can't get myself to be interested in others even when I try or know it's polite. I'm 24/7 afraid of all kind of things, my mind is always racing. I can't "just live and enjoy". My family says I just need to find my own thing so then I'm able to work and enjoy life and everything will roll out automatically. But I don't think so. I've been also constantly stressed for almost all my life, but past 6 months have been extremely hard due to all this fighting for my rights and filing complaints to who knows where. I don't have energy, I don't get excited, I don't even recognize I'm stressed (well I never do, nothing hints me about it except sometimes I might realize if I want to lash out for stuff like dropping something on the floor). So I speak very badly to my partner and want to make problems out of nowhere. We have had communication problems before too, because I feel like they are talking over me and thinking they know better than me. I'm person who don't accept anyone's opinion over my feelings and life unless I ask for it. I might have PDA? My partner says they want my best and they know they very often come across the wrong way and have tried to fix it. But I can't help the feeling that they just want to control me and suffocate me and act good. Even though 95% of the time they treat me with respect, it helps a lot and is almost like my caretaker. I have trust issues to people. I only fully trust my family, nobody else in my whole life. I know I'm acting like an asshole towards my partner and they would be better off without me (well now I'm talking over them), but I have hurt them so many times and they just keep forgiving. I know this is not right and I hurt people, but I feel like I don't even care about that? Maybe I don't understand it, because usually I understand the other person actually is hurt when I see them cry or something. We talked with my partner that I need to take more responsibility, but I just forgot it too and act on my impulses. I feel like I'm also near burnout or already in one for more than a year.

This is a lot of rambling, but I thought I would ask here. I don't even know anymore if I feel bad about acting like this. Or bad that I don't feel bad. I don't recognize any other emotion than anxiety and fear. Does anyone experience the same? I don't know what I'm even expecting, but if anyone has some supportive words or relates to this or have gone through very hard times, feel free to tell. I'm currently not available to have contact with my therapist and I don't get my own professional in the other place either, because every time I call there, they say they don't have any information about my appointments or situation.

My mix of autism, depression, and chronic illness makes me completely unable to function.

I will get some help soon with keeping it cleaner but even that feels terrifying and makes me so stressed to think about.

My situation feel so shameful.

I am just rotting away in a space filled with trash and rotten food and mold and urine.

And i become so desperate in my situation i start lashing out and fighting with my mom.

I feel so confused with my situation because i feel like im not allowed to struggle with this. People dont see autistic they see a slob even other autistic people see me as a slob.

Do other autistic people struggle like this? Like is there autistic people out there who can function online but their room is a bio hazard or am i just broken?

I cant keep my environment clean it becomes a severe safety risk. I cant work. I need help with adult-tasks if not i just dont do them. I need help getting places. I need help to talk for me even tho i can talk.

Im just dysfunctional and no one sees it as my autism. Im just worthless and im so disgusting and my health is getting so much worse.

I also dont manage to get help and i dont even understand how to no matter how many times people explain it to me it just gets too much for me. And i feel too ashamed and disgusting to get help and undeserving of it. They would probably shame me and yell at me or try to force me to help myself even tho i can't

And even other autistic people get upset at me sometimes because everything i do is wrong and bad, my autism is never seen as a reason for anything i struggle with im just bad

Hello Foxy is Foxy (as in person writing this)

Foxy has just autism, but has a hard time understanding others. So please make paragraph breaks.

Foxy doesn’t actually understand if they struggle with stuff enough to count as higher support needs, or if they should ask for help, eg move into group home, or help with washing. Foxy currently lives in residential care for foster kids.

BATHING/SHOWERING:

Foxy does..okay at this. He can go in shower, change water temp, and just stands there. Maybe brushes his teeth, and puts on conditioner and shampoo on hair and rubs hair. Foxy has super short hair (couple cm). Then drying off is hard cause Foxy can’t make himself dry.

DRESSING:

Foxy okay with this. Some of the more fidgety stuff is hard. But Foxy doesn’t know gs dirty or when to put in laundry.

EATING/COOKING AND MEAL PREP

Foxy messy eater, but can eat okay. Foxy also very good cook, when he can remember to make food. Also struggles to remember the food is cooking, and burns it a lot.

TRANSPORT AND SHOPPING

Foxy great at this, minus reading struggles.

TOILETING/PERSONAL HYGIENE.

Foxy can go to bathroom on his own, but sometimes has small pee accidents. Also can’t really wipe good, cause get poop stains on clothes. Also doesn’t shave cause forgets. Also forgets about pads a lot and brushing teeth.

HOUSEKEEPING:

Foxy won’t do anything except laundry or wash dishes.

Foxy has NDIS, but doesn’t know if he should bring this up to adults

All my life… i’ve been told i’m too old to throw tantrums, but what if those tantrums stop being tantrums and actually are meltdowns?

I’ve lost friends, relationships, and some relatives goodwill bc of my meltdowns, i always tell myself one day it will stop happening, they never stop

Today i had my most recent meltdown and i honestly wish i didn’t have autism, it’s isolating, people bully you, and if you don’t have an economic fallback, the system would end up leaving you homeless (especially in third world countries)

I just wish it could stop, really bad, how do i make this my last meltdown? Forever

Just as the title said, I had an extremely bad middle to high school, i had hope college would get better, but the venezuelan crisis made me migrate to the united states, the culture shock made me feel awkward bc i could not relate with the first world having lived through the 3rd world all my life. All my friends are from internet or very far local places, none from college.

I feel like a failure, and i know it’ll get worse, any advice from now on?

sorry bad words can't do good words at now. partner not understand shutdowns and just make worse. be mean to me demand me listen stop me stimming pull on me demand look at them and talk to them. partner not understand i'm not do on purpose. not ignore them not choose this and not able control self. can't move can't talk can't respond. told them before and sent stuff to read but they h still do bad an mean. make me scared feel alone not trust them. no one to help me. wish partner listen bette r

Hi! So I’ve been having trouble talking to my LSN friends about the support i need at home due to ASD. When i bring up things like my bladder inconsistence or me not showering for days if not prompted (and even then i avoid it due to the stress of environment transitions), or the fact i forget to brush my teeth for days and days often, they pull weird faces and off-handedly remark about hygiene. How can i get rid of my internalised ableism (? maybe) and embarrassment?