What's your experience with therapists?
About six months ago I started seeing a psychologist specialised in the autistic spectrum. She claimed to have experience with the whole spectrum, from non-verbal to high-functioning, and had quite a nice CV.
I was diagnosed two years ago, and I'd been seeing psychologists (existential and conversational) for about 10 years. I always had a great rapport with them and they helped me a lot, even though we didn't know about the autism back then. So I had high hopes for this specialist, hoping to close the gap with the difficult stuff.
I came to her like I used to with other psychologists: with precise questions relating to real-life situations. I explained I wanted to get better at handling those situations. She said she'd address my questions later, because she wanted me to feel good about myself first before we looked at my environment.
I went along with it, but after the 7th visit she was still just lecturing me on monotropism and alexithymia.
Whenever I told her about a painful situation I wanted a fix for, she'd just dissect what I'd explained, and lecture me on why I'd reacted the way I had.
Then she started poking at the trauma triggers I'd explicitly told her not to touch. I cried and talked about the unliving thoughts that arise in those situations.
And I watched her lose her footing.
She didn't know how to handle it. I was just sobbing and shaking — no shouting, no erratic behaviour. Not a tenth of what my husband has to cope with when I have a meltdown. I figured there was a real problem, so I decided to talk to her about it the next time.
It went quite badly. Instead of just saying she couldn't help me, she said she was "feeling trapped" by what I was asking of her. She projected a number of things onto me — I felt she needed to justify herself to herself.
The worst part was the silences.
She let several long minutes go by in absolute silence, twice. When I told her it was awkward, she just mumbled something with a look I read as "what did you expect, idiot?" She was just waiting for the 45 minutes to be over, and didn't even try to give us any closure.
Was I actually asking too much? It came down to 3 things:
- Help me find ways to explain my limitations to people when necessary, so it feels natural.
- Help me tell my husband what's happening to me when I have severe meltdowns. Help me show him when I'm reaching saturation, and how to handle me when it becomes unbearable and I resort to self-harm or dangerous thoughts.
- Help me react correctly, and get in touch with my emotions when my loved ones need help and support. Most of the time I just can't feel anything (compassion, empathy) even though I'm desperate to help — I'd take blows and give my life for them, but I can't manage to feel anything in the moment (it's delayed).
What's your experience with your therapist, and what kind of help do you receive?
Is it just lecturing and somatic stuff (she had me push against walls and do movement that didn't help — it wasn't EMDR)?