u/Equivalent_Agent_800

If you have a moment, please let me know how you interpret this. Is the meaning clear? Is it confusing? Do certain lines seem to take away from the meaning? What lines do you think work best? Thank you.

.
.

Was going down Main Street East
When I felt a flutter in my belly.
Those people were sitting,
heads hung a-ways. Leaning
so forward, pants on sideways
dirty asses—a middle-aging
Reaching for the heap, between
What you know as garbage
And definitely nothing gold —
But sewn, you see,
makes me a blanket warm.

So what about this gold,
This promise that I was told?
These suit-and-ties are always high
Making lines with claws: full,
fleshy
big and heavy
Now if I could, I would I hold it—
But the promise falls
through my fingers, where a bottle
lands.
(what I can get I will take before
the tree of life is blown open
before cracks become branches
and the mirror is broken)

You make a monster of my heart—
When you say, “this place ain’t strange
But you! You are
the stranger,

And who were you anyway
In the past that passed you by?
What could you have been
In that life you never lived?”,
But all I know is now,
and I know it now for sure
Was dreaming when I were sober
And now here’s the real world —

‘Cause that look you give me
is one I don’t recognize
Say please, don’t turn me away
You might need me some day
And I live ‘til you don’t need me
I eat ‘til you don’t like me
I need you, so don’t leave me—

Love isn’t forever, only briefly it sits
between a meal
and a possibility,
and a meal,
and a meal,
and so cold, and ..
Where’s my stuff?

.. oh God, how you make
a monster of my heart.

.
.
.
feedback 1: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/x1s8zJRaq3
feedback 2: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/gsKKpWWZUk

Was going down Main Street East
When I felt a flutter in my belly.
Those people were sitting,
heads hung a-ways. Leaning
so forward, pants on sideways
Dirty asses—a middle-aging
Reaching for the hole, between
What you know as garbage
And definitely nothing gold —
But sewn, you see,
makes me a blanket warm.

So what about this gold,
This promise that I was told?
These suit-and-ties are always high
Making lines with claws: full,
fleshy
big and heavy
Now if I could, I would I hold it—
But the promise falls
through my fingers, where a bottle
lands.
(what I can get I will take before
the tree of life is blown open
before cracks become branches
and the mirror is broken)

You make a monster of my heart—
When you say, “this place ain’t strange
But you! You are
the stranger,

And who were you anyway
In the past that passed you by?
What could you have been
In that life you never lived?”,
But all I know is now,
and I know it now for sure
Was dreaming when I were sober
And now here’s the real world —

‘Cause that look you give me
is one I don’t recognize
Say please, don’t turn me away
You might need me some day
And I live ‘til you don’t need me
I eat ‘til you don’t like me
I need you, so don’t leave me—

Love isn’t forever, only briefly it sits
between a meal
and a possibility,
and a meal,
and a meal,
and a meal, and ..
.. where’s my stuff?
oh God, how you make
a monster of my heart.

I can’t remember the origin, but I read someone say once that one theory for sexual attraction is that it is very often produced by an unresolved power dynamic. Sex and its sub/dom elements, along with receiving or inducing pleasure, is seen as a ‘resolution’ of this power dynamic. So once people are dating for a long time—particularly married because that’s when you ‘have’ somebody—and don’t question where they stand with one another, it’s no longer sexy or exhilarating.

Having an unresolved power dynamic just sounds like misery to me. Butterflies are just a physical symptom of anxiety. Why would I want to challenge someone to a “wrestling match” (as another user on this sub put it) when I could talk to them, or avoid them for someone who is more consistency and less mystery, someone who I can better relate to?

It makes no sense.

NSFW warning for discussions of sex, masturbation, or rather… the lack thereof.

I told my religious mom that I’m biromantic and asexual. Somehow, the ace part has been harder for her, but natalism haunts the whole dynamic. Let me explain.

At first she assumed it meant I just wasn’t hypersexual and was ‘grateful’ for it. Then over time she realized i don’t want sex at all, and it began with denial and then descended into rage and devastation. Despite being divorced and single, her entire ethos of marriage revolves around having to appeal to a husband’s ‘naturally uncontrollable sexuality’. When I told her I have known multiple asexual men, she simply did not believe me and said that all men are essentially beholden to their urges and part of marriage is accepting I might be overpowered because he just can’t control it — yes I should ‘fight back’ but I should accept it. Saying I don’t want marriage has been even worse. She has verbally attacked me, threatened me with suicide, among many other things over the notion I may never get married let alone have kids that she can be a grandmother to. “And I beg you,” she said in tears, “don’t marry a woman.”

I said I might want to adopt. I said even if I enter a relationship with either a man or a woman, I may not have sex. She retorted that she must have done something wrong when raising me.

Despite me telling her and explaining my asexuality, and her seeming to understand, she’s had the same problem so many people within and outside the ace community have — they do not truly believe we are ‘really’ asexual. She was shocked when she prodded and asked if I have ever masturbated, to which I said I have tried and failed and don’t feel anything. I was repulsed and disgusted afterward that my mother would even prod into such a thing, and felt like a freak when even she, someone who is so repressed, suggested I try to fix myself by getting a vibrator. Along with religious dating apps, etc., which she never pushed onto me with such ferocity before — all I can compare this to is pressure to is a form of emotional/verbal assault.

Thank god I don’t live with her. If I did, this nightmare would be even worse. I have spent years trying to come to terms with my asexuality and I feel it unravelling into self-deprecation and frustration, all because of her voice in my head.

Any support appreciated.

That night I awoke as heat crept up my stomach

Threw off the covers and crawled up to the window

This was no nightmare, but a burning man running

The embers were snowing on a cold dreary day

I heard my folks’ windows slam down to home base

But for the zombie I was, oh, I could not resist

And I trudged ten miles to what seemed to be bliss

.

Through the flicker of Hell that I saw from above,

Oh, I felt it when I touched the flaming hot boughs

And I fell into deep sleep; there was nothing wrong

No, there was nothing better, I know that for one

There I danced on rings of big rocks and big belts

Orbiting ‘round a planet whose name I don’t know

It had fifty odd moons suspended from its core

Some scratched up, some tarnished, no white flag in sight

And that’s when I realized I know what I don’t

.

When I woke up, the path home was empty and long

That good dream dissolved like sugar on my tongue

When I crawled to the table, the wood was so cold

And they all seemed to know that there was

something wrong,

Well, they kissed me and said, “we’re all you’ve got

for now. And ever and ever, the more you become

A grotesque unbecoming, becoming unloved

Where you walk all you like but we follow you home

Say, you’ve got to watch us, take care of us ‘cause

We’ve got no one else, now remember this ‘cos:

Just ‘cause you’re clean, it don’t mean a damn thing

I know your hands are dirty, and dirty they’ve been

I’ve kept palms on your eyes, so I’ve seen what
you’ve seen

And now I see a daughter, with no chance at life,

Except the boughs and the fire that your ilk has lit

I know I am trouble, and you come from trouble

But now you are trouble, and I can’t temper it”

.

(Wait, don’t clean up your hands

Come burn here instead,

Don’t leave us for dead, we’re all that we have

And before you forget, need I remind you

Don’t go — do not go —

please don’t leave me alone)

.

I told her, “Ma I want life, and I need a new hope”

She said, “You look out your window, but don’t live in your home”

Then she throttled that doorknob, tried to rip it off

And my whole life flashed straight through the hole of my skull

Then her hand cramped and crumpled, a babe on my floor

I stared at her panicked, and tried to help her up

But she thrashed and she wailed for all she loved and lost

Said she knows what I’m made of and so does our God

Said “You’ve made your mind and you know what you want and

You don’t look behind you when I come undone

So don’t you dare bother me if you decide to run

I love you, don’t leave me, but leave me you should

— Forget what I’m saying, just send me a prayer

Or just kill me and gut me like a rotten old pig

Stick me on a skewer, toss what’s left in the sewer

Whatever you want, just hurry and do it

And go”

.

Now ten years have passed since fate brandished her knife

The night was all quiet, save crackling fire

I stared at the embers, nearly flickered out

‘Til my dull head had shot up, don’t know why or how

But the moonlight wove patterns in the whites of my eyes

Where the Sun’s reflection shines bright on old shadows

And the shadows formed shapes that looked just like her face

They said, “I can’t understand and don’t think that I could,

I’ve seen you in no life but the Hell of my Heaven

And I’ll fall back to Earth when I reach level seven

Where the fire is hot and it keeps us all warm

And the Sun can burn you much more than I could

‘Cause I can’t leave you alone, though I never once tried

You’re the one I live for, can’t believe you’re not mine

‘Cause the stars we looked up at were a myriad of colours

I had seen them before in my rusty old fetters but

Then came a moment where my heart had

stopped,

saw your name in the sky: big and bright,

so much better

And the rage in my chest had no fuel to restart

Because that name is a name that I do not

remember.

Now I told you once, and I’ll say it forever:

Just go.”

/

[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/VlSgct8p72\](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/VlSgct8p72)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/RPKmGLbwF0\](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/RPKmGLbwF0)

That night I awoke as heat crept up my stomach

Threw off the covers and crawled up to the window

This was no nightmare, but a burning man running

The embers were snowing on a cold dreary day

I heard my folks’ windows slam down to home base

But for the zombie I was, oh, I could not resist

And I trudged ten miles to what seemed to be bliss

.

Through the flicker of Hell that I saw from above,

Oh, I felt it when I touched the flaming hot boughs

And I fell into deep sleep; there was nothing wrong

No, there was nothing better, I know that for one

There I danced on rings of big rocks and big belts

Orbiting ‘round a planet whose name I don’t know

It had fifty odd moons suspended from its core

Some scratched up, some tarnished, no white flag in sight

And that’s when I realized I know what I don’t

.

When I woke up, the path home was empty and long

That good dream dissolved like sugar on my tongue

When I crawled to the table, the wood was so cold

And they all seemed to know that there was

something wrong,

Well, they kissed me and said, “we’re all you’ve got

for now. And ever and ever, the more you become

A grotesque unbecoming, becoming unloved

Where you walk all you like but we follow you home

Say, you’ve got to watch us, take care of us ‘cause

We’ve got no one else, now remember this ‘cos:

Just ‘cause you’re clean, it don’t mean a damn thing

I know your hands are dirty, and dirty they’ve been

I’ve kept palms on your eyes, so I’ve seen what
you’ve seen

And now I see a daughter, with no chance at life,

Except the boughs and the fire that your ilk has lit

I know I am trouble, and you come from trouble

But now you are trouble, and I can’t temper it”

.

(Wait, don’t clean up your hands

Come burn here instead,

Don’t leave us for dead, we’re all that we have

And before you forget, need I remind you

Don’t go — do not go —

please don’t leave me alone)

.

I told her, “Ma I want life, and I need a new hope”

She said, “You look out your window, but don’t live in your home”

Then she throttled that doorknob, tried to rip it off

And my whole life flashed straight through the hole of my skull

Then her hand cramped and crumpled, a babe on my floor

I stared at her panicked, and tried to help her up

But she thrashed and she wailed for all she loved and lost

Said she knows what I’m made of and so does our God

Said “You’ve made your mind and you know what you want and

You don’t look behind you when I come undone

So don’t you dare bother me if you decide to run

I love you, don’t leave me, but leave me you should

— Forget what I’m saying, just send me a prayer

Or just kill me and gut me like a rotten old pig

Stick me on a skewer, toss what’s left in the sewer

Whatever you want, just hurry and do it

And go”

.

Now ten years have passed since fate brandished her knife

The night was all quiet, save crackling fire

I stared at the embers, nearly flickered out

‘Til my dull head had shot up, don’t know why or how

But the moonlight wove patterns in the whites of my eyes

Where the Sun’s reflection shines bright on old shadows

And the shadows formed shapes that looked just like her face

They said, “I can’t understand and don’t think that I could,

I’ve seen you in no life but the Hell of my Heaven

And I’ll fall back to Earth when I reach level seven

Where the fire is hot and it keeps us all warm

And the Sun can burn you much more than I could

‘Cause I can’t leave you alone, though I never once tried

You’re the one I live for, can’t believe you’re not mine

‘Cause the stars we looked up at were a myriad of colours

I had seen them before in my rusty old fetters but

Then came a moment where my heart had

stopped,

saw your name in the sky: big and bright,

so much better

And the rage in my chest had no fuel to restart

Because that name is a name that I do not

remember.

Now I told you once, and I’ll say it forever:

Just go.”

That night I awoke as heat crept up my stomach

Threw off the covers and crawled up to the window

This was no nightmare, but a burning man running

The embers were snowing on a cold dreary day

I heard my folks’ windows slam down to home base

But for the zombie I was, oh, I could not resist

And I trudged ten miles to what seemed to be bliss

.

Through the flicker of Hell that I saw from above,

Oh, I felt it when I touched the flaming hot boughs

And I fell into deep sleep; there was nothing wrong

No, there was nothing better, I know that for one

There I danced on rings of big rocks and big belts

Orbiting ‘round a planet whose name I don’t know

It had fifty odd moons suspended from its core

Some scratched up, some tarnished, no white flag in sight

And that’s when I realized I know what I don’t

.

When I woke up, the path home was empty and long

That good dream dissolved like sugar on my tongue

When I crawled to the table, the wood was so cold

And they all seemed to know that there was

something wrong,

Well, they kissed me and said, “we’re all you’ve got

for now. And ever and ever, the more you become

A grotesque unbecoming, becoming unloved

Where you walk all you like but we follow you home

Say, you’ve got to watch us, take care of us ‘cause

We’ve got no one else, now remember this ‘cos:

Just ‘cause you’re clean, it don’t mean a damn thing

I know your hands are dirty, and dirty they’ve been

I’ve kept palms on your eyes, so I’ve seen what
you’ve seen

And now I see a daughter, with no chance at life,

Except the boughs and the fire that your ilk has lit

I know I am trouble, and you come from trouble

But now you are trouble, and I can’t temper it”

.

(Wait, don’t clean up your hands

Come burn here instead,

Don’t leave us for dead, we’re all that we have

And before you forget, need I remind you

Don’t go — do not go —

please don’t leave me alone)

.

I told her, “Ma I want life, and I need a new hope”

She said, “You look out your window, but don’t live in your home”

Then she throttled that doorknob, tried to rip it off

And my whole life flashed straight through the hole of my skull

Then her hand cramped and crumpled, a babe on my floor

I stared at her panicked, and tried to help her up

But she thrashed and she wailed for all she loved and lost

Said she knows what I’m made of and so does our God

Said “You’ve made your mind and you know what you want and

You don’t look behind you when I come undone

So don’t you dare bother me if you decide to run

I love you, don’t leave me, but leave me you should

— Forget what I’m saying, just send me a prayer

Or just kill me and gut me like a rotten old pig

Stick me on a skewer, toss what’s left in the sewer

Whatever you want, just hurry and do it

And go”

.

Now ten years have passed since fate brandished her knife

The night was all quiet, save crackling fire

I stared at the embers, nearly flickered out

‘Til my dull head had shot up, don’t know why or how

But the moonlight wove patterns in the whites of my eyes

Where the Sun’s reflection shines bright on old shadows

And the shadows formed shapes that looked just like her face

They said, “I can’t understand and don’t think that I could,

I’ve seen you in no life but the Hell of my Heaven

And I’ll fall back to Earth when I reach level seven

Where the fire is hot and it keeps us all warm

And the Sun can burn you much more than I could

‘Cause I can’t leave you alone, though I never once tried

You’re the one I live for, can’t believe you’re not mine

‘Cause the stars we looked up at were a myriad of colours

I had seen them before in my rusty old fetters but

Then came a moment where my heart had

stopped,

saw your name in the sky: big and bright,

so much better

And the rage in my chest had no fuel to restart

Because that name is a name that I do not

remember.

Now I told you once, and I’ll say it forever:

Just go.”

That night I awoke as heat crept up my stomach

Threw off the covers and crawled up to the window

This was no nightmare, but a burning man running

The embers were snowing on a cold dreary day

I heard my folks’ windows slam down to home base

But for the zombie I was, oh, I could not resist

And I trudged ten miles to what seemed to be bliss

.

Through the flicker of Hell that I saw from above,

Oh, I felt it when I touched the flaming hot boughs

And I fell into deep sleep; there was nothing wrong

No, there was nothing better, I know that for one

There I danced on rings of big rocks and big belts

Orbiting ‘round a planet whose name I don’t know

It had fifty odd moons suspended from its core

Some scratched up, some tarnished, no white flag in sight

And that’s when I realized I know what I don’t

.

When I woke up, the path home was empty and long

That good dream dissolved like sugar on my tongue

When I crawled to the table, the wood was so cold

And they all seemed to know that there was

something wrong,

Well, they kissed me and said, “we’re all you’ve got

for now. And ever and ever, the more you become

A grotesque unbecoming, becoming unloved

Where you walk all you like but we follow you home

Say, you’ve got to watch us, take care of us ‘cause

We’ve got no one else, now remember this ‘cos:

Just ‘cause you’re clean, it don’t mean a damn thing

I know your hands are dirty, and dirty they’ve been

I’ve kept palms on your eyes, so I’ve seen what
you’ve seen

And now I see a daughter, with no chance at life,

Except the boughs and the fire that your ilk has lit

I know I am trouble, and you come from trouble

But now you are trouble, and I can’t temper it”

.

(Wait, don’t clean up your hands

Come burn here instead,

Don’t leave us for dead, we’re all that we have

And before you forget, need I remind you

Don’t go — do not go —

please don’t leave me alone)

.

I told her, “Ma I want life, and I need a new hope”

She said, “You look out your window, but don’t live in your home”

Then she throttled that doorknob, tried to rip it off

And my whole life flashed straight through the hole of my skull

Then her hand cramped and crumpled, a babe on my floor

I stared at her panicked, and tried to help her up

But she thrashed and she wailed for all she loved and lost

Said she knows what I’m made of and so does our God

Said “You’ve made your mind and you know what you want and

You don’t look behind you when I come undone

So don’t you dare bother me if you decide to run

I love you, don’t leave me, but leave me you should

— Forget what I’m saying, just send me a prayer

Or just kill me and gut me like a rotten old pig

Stick me on a skewer, toss what’s left in the sewer

Whatever you want, just hurry and do it

And go”

.

Now ten years have passed since fate brandished her knife

The night was all quiet, save crackling fire

I stared at the embers, nearly flickered out

‘Til my dull head had shot up, don’t know why or how

But the moonlight wove patterns in the whites of my eyes

Where the Sun’s reflection shines bright on old shadows

And the shadows formed shapes that looked just like her face

They said, “I can’t understand and don’t think that I could,

I’ve seen you in no life but the Hell of my Heaven

And I’ll fall back to Earth when I reach level seven

Where the fire is hot and it keeps us all warm

And the Sun can burn you much more than I could

‘Cause I can’t leave you alone, though I never once tried

You’re the one I live for, can’t believe you’re not mine

‘Cause the stars we looked up at were a myriad of colours

I had seen them before in my rusty old fetters but

Then came a moment where my heart had

stopped,

saw your name in the sky: big and bright,

so much better

And the rage in my chest had no fuel to restart

Because that name is a name that I do not

remember.

Now I told you once, and I’ll say it forever:

Just go.”

/

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/VlSgct8p72

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/RPKmGLbwF0