u/NusumuHebi

Sorry to make one of these posts, but I've identified as aroace for a long time because I simply never liked sex or romance. Sometimes it's fine in fiction but I never liked the actual romantic parts of it, if that makes any sense and whenever confronted with it in real life, even within just jokes I would always feel a little sick. I just couldn't understand any of it. I occasionally found women attractive (mostly those tall elegant ladies) but I always just brushed it off as aesthetic attraction

But honestly, with these years going by I've started to enjoy mom fantasies, if you know what I'm getting at and every time I'm done with the moment I always feel disgusted with myself. Or rather, I've subconsciously liked it and am only now getting disgusted. And it just so happens this aligned with realization that my mom emotionally and borderline sexually abused me, and my growing hatred of her. Even if I was a girl it felt like she saw me as more of a husband than my dad if that makes any sense

Andthen it all clicked and I felt horrible because I feel like everything is just a lie and that I'm not actually asexual (Say that again) but just a screwed up excuse of a human being who desires his mother and nothing else. It makes me sick because I've been living out my life thinking I was happy despite everything but in reality I was just giving into a delusion and I'm just as, if not even more disgusting as the people I deep down had contempt for.