I (28f) am having a hard time debating on leaving my bf (29m) of eight years.
As the title says. I've been with my boyfriend since I was 20, and he was 21. I don't know where to start, but this hasn't been the healthiest relationship. For context we don't live together and never have. We live about 20 minutes away from each other. I always have driven to his place, he hasn't done the same with me because he doesn't have a car or a license. We also recently broke up in Aug 2025, got back together mid September 2025, and broke up again Nov 2025 (I ended it, was very depressed and he didn't show up in a way I needed and it was bad) and he asked for another chance January 2026. I told him January that we need couples therapy. Non negotiable. That this time I want a genuine healthy relationship where we can be our full selves. He agreed at the time.
The reason for the couples therapy is because he emotionally cheated on me 3 years ago, and I never fully healed from it, and we both went through a traumatic experience in September 2025 before we got back together (a long story). I forgot to add that he also is the type to do 'whataboutism' I just discovered the wording for that recently. Anytime I discuss my issues on what bothered me, he HAS to turn it around and make it about him and how HE feels or what I did to bother him. This is so exhausting.
Alright so our routine is we call each other nightly to talk about our day or play some online games together and most importantly, we say good night to each other. The other night he called, and I missed it- I was in the shower. I called him back maybe 20 minutes later and he didn't answer. I ended up falling asleep without sending a text or anything. This was around 10:30pm.
I woke up around 7am to 30+ missed calls from him in total. Some at 11:30pm, and the rest at 12am. I texted him good morning and sorry I was asleep that I'd call him later. I saw he sent me texts too that seemed to be guilt tripping me. He said he tried, and will be going to bed 'good night less', and that I could've said goodnight/I love you.
Ngl this freaked me out. He did this one time before years ago, and I told him I'm a morning person and that my work comes first since I have to get up early. So I go to sleep at a decent time and need my full 8hours other wise I take forever going back to sleep if I'm woken up. This was the first time he's done it since. I called him later that day to ask what his goal was in mind by calling me 30+ times. He said he wanted to wake me up, and admits he got obsessive, but wanted to be yearning. Like what couples want and how they yearn for each other and being romantic. I had to remind him what I told him years prior. This also had me looking at our relationship differently, so I told him to please not contact me for the next two days. He asked why? Is it because of us? I said yes, and I need time to think. He said why not just break my heart right now and you wanna make me wait instead? That's very childish. I said okay I guess I'm doing a childish thing. I just need to think properly, just please leave me alone. After the conversation, I saw he posted a passive aggressive note on his ig.
As I write all of this, I am thinking about the many other times we've had arguments, disagreements, the plenty of times he pulls the whataboutsim, the times we have talked, and just the other day we were talking and he said he didn't feel bad for homeless people, that they made bad decisions and landed where they are. That comment hurt me deeply. I literally live in a trailer, this guy lives with his parents, has a weed addiction, spends thousands of dollars on equipment for hobbies that he says will be his future. (Which is fine, I don't judge- this economy is ridiculous and you never know if someone will blow up and make it) So for him to make that disgusting comment just gave me a fat massive ICK. Who is he to judge when he isn't trying to grow up? It was such a cold, heartless comment and I just cannot genuinely believe he feels this way! Such entitlement.
Tbh I have huge resentment towards the emotional cheating that happened 3 years ago or honestly who knows how long it's been going on. He claims he barely remembers (how convenient) what he did. I only found out because I went through his phone and found the evidence. He never told me about her or when they hung out. I was nothing but loyal to him and was so in love with him. I still love and care for him but am realizing that love is not enough. He isn't going to change.
I know I need to walk away and get back into therapy for myself to heal inner childhood wounds, work on my self esteem, etc. so that I don't end up in another co dependent dynamic or whatever this is. I'm constantly miserable, super jealous (never was before I found out about the emotional cheating), and just my emotional needs are not met. I've told him multiple times we're supposed to be a team and it just feels like when we argue he wants to win or whatever I say is not good enough. I know I cannot and refuse to live the rest of my life this way. I don't want to wake up at 30 stuck with him being the same. I also know that I never would've done what he's done to me because I wouldn't hurt the person I love. I forgot to mention that he hasn't brought up couples therapy on his own at all unless we're arguing. He never takes the time to say hey babe how can we take the steps to get started? Something. I've done it once before when I was looking into therapists and he just brushed it off. Anyway his actions are just becoming louder and harder for me to ignore. I feel like he doesn't truly love or value me. My self esteem is completely shot and I said I've become more jealous and just not myself. I worry that he's gonna start flirting or emotionally cheat again.
Am I in the wrong? Was it childish of me to request a no contact for two days? Would I be doing the right thing? Any support or not support is welcome, I try to have an open mind and I truly appreciate any opinions/comments. Thank you!
TLDR: Debating on leaving my boyfriend of 8 years, requested to go no contact from him for two days (today is day 1). He has emotionally cheated on me, does whataboutism, and I'm honestly reaching a breaking point.