My fiancé (28M) has changed, he isn’t the man I (26F) said yes to anymore. I feel emotionally drained.
English is not my first language
My fiancé 28M and me 26F have been together for nine years, engaged for one. At the beginning we were long distance for about 5.5 years and during COVID we even went a full year without seeing each other, which led to a short break between us. We’ve now been living together for 3 years.
Overall, we’ve always been a strong couple. We both came into the relationship with personal issues and trauma, which definitely caused arguments in the beginning, but we always chose to work on ourselves and on the relationship. Our mindset was always “us against the problem,” never “me vs him.”
He used to be incredibly thoughtful and loving. He would send me flowers, pick me up after work or girls nights, take care of me when I wasn’t feeling well, listen to me, and give me thoughtful gifts based on things I mentioned. He always helped me carry things, got along amazingly with my family, and I with his.
He’s always been very introverted and emotionally closed off because of his childhood. He never really had a healthy example of love growing up, so it took years for him to open up emotionally to me. But eventually he did, and I truly felt like I was the one person he could fully be himself around.
But for almost a year now, I’ve felt him slowly stop putting effort into the relationship and starting to take me for granted.
We barely have sex anymore unless I initiate it. I’ve always had a higher sex drive than him, but our sex life is almost nonexistent now. I talked to him about it and he says he’s mentally exhausted because he works full time while also studying. When he comes home, we eat together, and then he goes back into his office to continue studying. He barely has time for himself, so I honestly believe him when he says he’s exhausted.
But the issue isn’t just the sex.
We don’t really date anymore unless I plan it. He barely asks about my life. He didn’t even notice that I stopped going to therapy two months ago. He doesn’t ask how I’m doing with my new hobbies or interests. And what hurts is that I know he IS capable of making time and effort when something matters to him. He’s an extremely driven person. I’ve talked to him about this multiple times and he always says he’s trying, but it honestly doesn’t feel like he is.
A few weeks ago we had a huge argument about all of this. I was already emotionally exhausted at that point. But during that argument, for the first time in a long time, I actually felt like I had his full attention again. He looked me in the eyes while we talked. And it made me realize something painful: most of the time when we “talk,” I’m just sharing my life with him because I WANT to include him, not because he’s actually asking. Usually he’s on his phone, distracted by the dog, or doing something else while I’m talking.
I want to be fair because he’s not a bad person. If I truly needed him, I know he would stand beside me no matter what. But emotionally I feel more and more drained every day.
Wedding planning has become difficult because right now he doesn’t feel like the same man I said yes to.
I don’t want to break up. I don’t want to give up on us because we’ve survived much worse situations before. But I’m tired, and honestly scared for the future. Do you have advice how I should keep going? How I should approach all of that?
Sorry this got so long. I just feel really lost right now and would appreciate advice.
If you need more information, I’m happy to answer questions.