18m how do i change things i still feel hope but just slightly
so i never told anyone about this, i was molested and basically graped or forced into sex by one of my family member this happened when i was 7 or 8 years old and i didn't understand any of it i was never told about good and bad touch i didn't know how to react and he scared me saying my parents will beat me badly if i tell them so i stayed quiet he did that act 2 times then i stopped talking to that family member eventually i stopped talking to almost every person around me i stopped going out to play i stopped with my hobbies i basically have been isolating myself for basically a decade now nobody knows anything about this,
all this have costed me my life i believe i don't have any friends as i believed everyone will be like him i dont know how to interact idk how to make friends i dont talk at my home i just live in my room and pass my time i used to be into books and study and believe if i get good grades my parents might celebrate it and oneday i can tell them the truth but it never happened i got 92 in tenth but was still compared to a guy in class who scored 96 and was called useless i dropped studying too after that i got 65 in 12th, i am currently in clg rn i feel like i have lost everything i have no skills no hobbies i dont even dream about what i want to do in life what i want to be
from the past 4 months every night i have thought to disappear to kill myself and just end it all but i get this slight hope and it saves me every time, i have started to rely heavily on porn to pass time and started to develop grape kinks but i dont want to i dont but theres nothing else to do i have been isolating myself for so many years i have forgotten how to interact or maybe i never knew how to, i have been going to clg for almost 1.5 years and i have made only 1 friend and like its not even that good of a friendship i picked up ciggerates at 15 to cope up with all this loneliness
i just wanted a normal life or loving parents or just some frineds ididnt bget any how can life be this unfair i dont know anything or anyone i dont have any hobbies any skills, and i dont even know why am i sharing all this now but i hope it gets better even just a little bit or it all just get over
i hope nobody ever gets to live the same as me so helpless