Trying to figure out if i'm trans
Sorry if this is really long
To start out I think most people are going to reply that I am trans, but I just want conformation and to hear other peoples opinions before I am really certain of my gender identity. (As this is something that's kind of hard for me)
Im 19 and have thought I was a cis male for the majority of my life, I always thought I might be kind of feminine but never doubted I was a man. I enjoy things like wearing feminine clothes, and doing my make up, as they made me feel pretty. When I was a kid I also refused to cut my hair because I wanted it to be long, and I still keep it pretty long now. I was a pretty skinny kid and I remember in school girls would tell me I looked skinny, or very feminine (in my actions) but I remember being very happy at hearing these things. Similarly my ex girlfriend would tell me I acted very feminine in the relationship, on one hand this really hurt my feelings as she meant it as an insult, but I also remember being oddly happy at the remark in the context of outside of our relationship. I also remember frequently wishing I was born a girl throughout most of my life and still sometimes do. I liked a lot of TV shows that would be considered girly like Sailor Moon as a kid, and tended to relate more to female characters in general. It also might sound weird but I would pretend I was a girl online whenever I would play games, or talk to people.
But like I said earlier for most of my life I never doubted that I was a man, and as much as I wished I was born a girl I always acknowledged that I was a man. I think that may have been however because I was and still am scared of what would happen if I were to identify as female. I'm not sure how my parents or family would react, and I feel as though I would lose almost all my friends, or at the very least they would treat me differently. I think I'm also scared of committing to this and being wrong. I think those are the reasons I've pushed off thinking about this for so long. I also want to clarify I in no way dislike my life as a boy, I just think I might be happier feel more like myself as a girl. I think I'm mostly scared of losing the security and comfort my life currently has.
The reason I really started to question if I was trans was because, before I moved away to college last fall I decided to throw away most of my cross dressing stuff and make up. But throughout the college year I found it really hard to make meaningful connections and just felt in general really down. I think in hindsight it was so hard for me because I didn't feel like my self at all, it more felt like I was pretending to be someone else. I originally just thought it was a natural part of college and I was just figuring out who I was and creating my own identity. But after returning home for the summer I decided to put on some of the remaining feminine clothes and make up I had and it's the happiest and most like myself I've felt in a long time.
Any advice or opinions would really help me as I'm really struggling to figure out for myself if I'm really trans or it's something else.