First days of being rejected by a crush
Hi there. I am a gay man living in Russia. So, please be not afraid of some grammatical errors and consider my country is not really a safe space for me.
A few months ago I was hired to a private school where I met a teacher, 6 y. older than me but very kind and beautiful (to me and not only I guess). Let him call Alex. I supposed he was gay, there were some hints. It turned out he really was, ofc not openly. So, I decided to ask out (is this the verb? To tell him about my feelings). I did it. He was surprised and sadly told me my affection was unrequited. He has already had some relationship with a guy from Turkey that he meets twice a month going by a plane. I don't understand how this kind of relationship might be pleasant and effective. He was kinda ok with my confession but asked if I wanted to continue our relationship in a friendzone way. I agreed but did not hide the fact I was in pain bc of the rejection. This was the day before yesterday
I was trying to pick up the pieces of me in like 1 day. I took yesterday off. I was crying all day long, chatting with some friends and AI bot lol I also had a meeting with my psychologist but unfortunately it did not seem really helpful to me. The psychiatrist recommended me to increase my daily dose of antidepressants. That is how I was preparing for today, which is the working day
So, I came to school, conducted lessons as usual but was trembling of fear what Alex was going to do or to tell me today. It turned out he wasn't ready to do anything. He just told me Hi, Bye and we made a handshake. This is considering that he told me he was ready to continue our friendship. Okay I got it he does not love me in a romantic way but I hoped I could have transformed my feelings into a mere friendship in some time. Now, however, it seems like he is ghosting me, or doesn't know what to do, or I am overthinking idk
I am so much in pain that I cry several times a day. It seems like nothing really helps me out of this. Now I am going home after crying for like half and hour under a random tree in a forest
The worst thing I really took the rejection personal. I have got quite a low self-esteem and his friendzoning hits me like I am not deserving any love bc not beautiful, interesting etc. etc. I don't understand how a random guy from Turkey can worth more than one who is always nearby, and why Alex did not choose me
I am looking for a support and help by those who experienced something like this, especially by gay men. It is also important that I cannot and I don't want to (!) ignore him, we are colleagues at school at the end of the day. How to get through this story of romantic rejection?