u/Affectionate_Eye1589

This man hates me. Truly. The old up-and-down cycle is barely a cycle anymore. Over the last year, it has been mostly down. The reprieves are fewer and farther apart, and they no longer look like softness, love bombing, repair, or even basic civility. They are simply periods where I am not being actively tortured.

My body is in fight or flight from the moment I wake up. I cry on my way home from work. I go to bed as soon as the kids are asleep because I cannot tolerate being around him.

For a while last year, I thought the problem was parenting. I thought I didn’t want to go home because I didn’t want to be with my kids, and I felt enormous guilt about that. I only recently realized it was him I was trying to avoid. I am furious that this cost me time with my children, because I avoided being home whenever I could, when what I really needed was to avoid him.

The kids are five and three, and they seem stressed all the time. Our eldest has been especially fragile lately and bursts into tears over everything. They sleep with me almost every night. My husband has slept on the couch for the last five years.

When we are all together, my child fawns around him. When it is just us, or when they have had a day away from him, they will suddenly say things like, “im having such a nice time.” I get the sense this is their way of saying their nervous system finally feels settled.

I know they will struggle with the split at first. Any child would. I also know he will try to fill their heads with garbage about me. But I am starting to wonder whether, on some level, they already want relief from this. I don’t know if they even understand divorce as an option. None of their friends’ parents are divorced. But I sometimes think that if they knew it was possible, and if they knew he would never find out, they might ask me to do it.

The place is rented. Our funds have been tracked and marked so that if he does anything concerning after I leave, I can prove it. I have met with lawyers, a financial advisor, and a psychologist who specializes in narcissistic abuse and leaving these dynamics. I have tried to prepare as much as possible, but the advice has been conflicting.

The lawyers are giving one kind of advice. The financial advisor, who left their own narcissistic ex a decade ago, and the psychologist are saying something different. The FA said, “The law is not designed to protect people like you, and most lawyers don’t believe their clients when they say their partner is a narcissist, mostly because everyone throws that term around during divorce. Be cautious about how they direct you, and trust your gut.”

They were not suggesting I do anything illegal. But the family court model seems built for two reasonably honest parents who both have their children’s best interests at heart. He is not that parent. He will fight for the kids for two reasons: optics and money. He is incredibly charming, and he can turn on the tears when he needs to.

The lawyers advised me to send a simple email saying that I have decided to separate effective [date], that I will be moving out on [date], and that my top priority is finding a way to share the privileges and responsibilities of parenting equally. I should say that we have been advised to sit down with a mediator and two parenting coaches as soon as possible to work out an official parenting plan. Asset division can be addressed in time, but we will need to discuss what I take with me when I go.

Every time I imagine sending that email, I feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest. I think it will enrage him. He will experience it as the ultimate rejection. He has never hit me, but I do not know what this will bring out in him. He would hate this.

What I want, impossibly, is for him to say, “You’re right. We’re not happy. This isn’t good for the kids. Let’s be friends.” I want us to hug, cry, and start planning our separate futures like sane people. Is there any way to tell him that gets me even slightly closer to that reaction?

His entire personality is organized around image, superiority, and control. He has run us into unimaginable debt trying to create a life we cannot afford, and I found out this week that he has eight secret credit cards. That discovery is what finally pushed me. Somehow, the emotional abuse alone never felt like enough to justify upending everything. I needed a concrete betrayal. Now I have one.

So my question is: is there any way to do this that works with his personality rather than against it? Can I position the split in a way that lets him feel progressive, evolved, impressive, or superior to other people? His brother had an explosive, ugly, and expensive divorce a few years ago — I know looking “better” than his brother is very important to him. Can I use that? I am honestly willing to take more public blame than I deserve if it makes him less reactive and gets me out safely, and doesn’t impact my ability to have my kids.

The most messed-up part is that I feel better when he is gone, and yet as I write this, I already miss him.

I need help figuring out how to leave in the way most likely to reduce escalation, protect the kids, and get us out.

Lonnng vent followed by important question.

I been married to a man for 16 years who I’ve only recently identified as a Narc. Well my psychologist finally dropped the right breadcrumbs, which took me down a Google rabbit hole, and that’s how I found out. Later when I asked her why she had never mentioned it before, she said it was cuz she technically isn’t allowed to diagnose ppl she isn’t treating, and in hindsight I do recall lots of reference to “narcissistic TRAITS” but I only knew the term in the pejorative sense. And I assumed narc were just assholes all the time.

I used to think he had two distinct personalities, and that my “behavior” was the reason I’d often see a side of him that no one else ever sees. Once I began reading about NPD, it was like someone finally handed me a pair of glasses with the right rx in the frames!!

It’s wild! Everything fits. The obsession with seeming like a nice guy and good dad, his desire above all else to be successful, the lying, the gaslighting… all of it.

I have been subjected to extended periods of silent treatment (42 days of no verbal communication, living under the same roof, is the record), extreme explosions of rage, and then of course comes a change in tides with no apparent reason, where all the sudden he comes home one day and he’s over whatever he was mad at me about.

Some years every holiday = over the top gifts, to the point that I’ve honestly a bit put off. Other years, like this one, he refused to even tell our 3 little kids it was my birthday, and it went completely un acknowledged. I cried the whole day until I realized he’d be coming home with the kids from school, and then rushed to make dinner for everyone (frozen chicken tenders and fries, to celebrate my 40th year alone in my head.) I have never been good with math or money so I have left everything to him, but a few years ago we moved to a new house and I noticed we were pretty much living paycheque to paycheque. We both earn good incomes (his is twice mine, and mines pretty decent) and yet I’d go to the grocery store and we’d be out of money until payday.

Looking at the banking has always stressed me out, because the same thing happens:

1. I see what’s coming in
2. I see our bills getting paid and our mortgage getting paid, and whatever else we spend money on here and there
3. It seems like we are living way beyond our means, so I say something to him
4. He gets mad at me and tells me anxiety is such a problem, I don’t understand how money works, and that all successful people live this way “in the beginning”

We have no savings. None. We haven’t taken a vacation in 9 years because we can’t afford to. If I go spend $100 on something for the kids or the house, or myself, I feel like I’m being irresponsible and that I am the cause of how tight things are, even when I know deep down that doesn’t make sense. We shouldn’t live in a house like we do if buying the kids a new toy occasionally is considered a risky financial decision. And yet he tells me time and time again that just don’t get it.

Anyway. Here is was has finally prompted me to start my exit plan and where I need some help.

Earlier this week I saw him tell his mom in a group chat that the flowers he sent her for Mother’s Day weren’t gonna “make it in time” so he was cancelling the order. (They live in another state) There was just something about this that struck me as dishonest but I couldn’t place it, so I went into our account to see if he’d ordered and then cancelled flowers (he had not, surprise surprise) and for whatever reason I just kept looking. And closely. For the first time in our whole marriage.

After running up some debt twice a few years ago, we agreed he would get rid of his credit card. He agreed to this after I broke down in tears the second time saying it makes me scared to have too much debt. He basically framed his willingness to give up the cards as a generous accommodation for my unreasonable financial anxiety, and while this bothered me I was just happy he was willing to get rid of the card. Since then, we just go about our lives existing as if he has no credit card. If something needs to be paid with visa, we use a visa debit card we both share. Or so I thought.

Guess what!!?? This man has AT LEAST 4 different low interest credit cards that he’s been paying from our joint account anywhere from $150-$300 every few weeks for over two years!?! And I only know it’s 2 years because that’s as far back as my app will show me. I’m going to the bank to have them print 16 years of transaction records off so I can see how deep this goes and if there are only 4. There are multiple payments to debt collectors and credit adjusters. ALL RIGHT THERE WHERE I COULD HAVE SEEN IT IF I HADN’T BEEN TO ANXIOUS TO LOOK!

I am angry. I feel stupid. I have no clue how much trouble we’re in. I had no idea how dumb he actually thought I was!!? Literally two weeks ago we were talking about something and his lack of credit cards came up in conversation, out of his mouth, of his own free will!! It’s so brazen I can’t wrap my fucking head around it!?

My question is less about what to do (I know that answer and I’ve already got lawyers involved behind the scenes) it’s actually about where the money is being spent… this is what’s freaking me out most. Is it gambling? Could we be in danger? Is it sex work? We have sex maybe once a year, but should I get checked for STD’s!? There was a period in our marriage where I caught him watching porn a ton, which he said was a way to deal with the stress of being married to me (barf), but could it be that!?

This all feels so implausible. Hes only ever at work or at home. While he’s a generally likable guy, he has no friends. He doesn’t go out at night, he just goes to work and comes home. When would he be gambling or meeting with women!? Could it be something I haven’t even thought of!? He doesn’t drink or do drugs, and I think I’d notice if he’d started…

I know that knowing doesn’t change things, but I think having a theory will at least keep my eye on the prize so I can get out!