i feel so stuck
tw: mentions of sh and si
the one and only time i’ve crushed on someone attainable was in elementary school (a guy).
now, im in university, and for the past years, it’s only been (female) celebrities, fictional characters, and teachers/TAs. and when i crush on them, it’s all consuming; everything in my life is about them, i refer to them like a real-life partner when speaking to the people around me, i constantly fantasize about them being next to me, i constantly talk out loud to the air beside me as if they are there, etc. all i want is for them to be real and attainable.
but when it comes to real, attainable people, i just feel nothing. i’ve tried going on dates, convincing myself that i like them; the dates are fine, but i just dont feel excited at all. the only moment i get excited is when i match with someone attractive on a dating app, but the second we start an actual conversation, i start to lose interest.
and because of this, i hook up with people to feel something; even then, i still don’t enjoy the hookups because i NEED connection to enjoy sex, but connection feels impossible to me. yet i’m obsessed with sex and yearn for it nonstop.
the best metaphor i can come up with is rabies; i feel like i have rabies, and im dying of thirst, but my body physically wont let me drink. it’s like this, but with sex and romance.
because of this, i started self harming, multiple times every day. ive been clean for a bit, but the urge never goes away, and it comes back stronger every day. i can barely go to sleep sometimes. or i cant get out of bed. i think about suicide every single day, and i went to the hospital multiple times for suicidal ideation.
i’m so afraid, because if im aro, then it’s something that i just need to accept about myself, but i can’t. i can’t imagine a future where im happy while living like this. what if im just avoidant? what if im capable of romantic attraction, but just need therapy (which im currently in) to heal? its not just in romantic contexts that i have trouble feeling things. i can’t say “i love you” to my friends or family and mean it. i can barely even say a genuine compliment to them without feeling a pool of dread in my stomach.