r/aromanticasexual

genuinely curious, if someone touches an erogenous zone, does an asexual person's body still react biologically (hormones, physical arousal, etc.) even if there is zero actual attraction? Thanks for putting up with the nosiness!

I need some advise,because i dont seem to fit in the classical Aromantic or Asexuel categories,because i aint typicly Aromantic because want a Relationship someday,but i dont have romantic feelings and i aint typicly Asexuel because i feel sexuell attraktion but i find intimacy (for example kissing) disgusting.

I’m fairly certain I’m aroace. 25F and never had a crush, masturbated as a teen but no urges once puberty ended.

It really bothers me though. I’m fine being single right now, but I’ve always wanted to have children someday, to start a family with someone. I get so jealous whenever I see happy couples. I know plenty of single people who are way happier than a lot of married folk I know, but it’s just always been one major ‘goal’ in life of mine.

Plus I worry about who I will live my life with once I loose my parents. I still live with them, not even able to move out if I wanted to due to my health issues. So living alone might not even be an option for me depending on my health when they pass/go into care. And as for parenting people say to just adopt and be a single mother, that is simply not an option for someone with a disability like mine.

I’m not saying it’s bad to be aroace, I just really wish I wasn’t.

WARNING: MAYBE BAD ENGLISH

I confessed to a friend that I might be asexual or something like that (I know, I didn't express myself very clearly then... maybe that was my fault). And he replied, "Well, I think that in the future you'll want a relationship, well, it's not a given." And a little later, this "Okay, okay, you don't want a relationship now, but if suddenly, it's not a given, but suddenly you meet the one, just remember my words, I just want to give someone bright emotions." And he also said, "Relationships and love will always be more important than friendship, because our body is inclined to look for a partner first, not a friend." Is this normal to say to someone who suspects they have this orientation or something like that?

It should come without any doubt that kids come first, right? They are the people you spawned, are responsible for, and instinctively inclined to care for more than anyone else. Out of all the platonic/familial bonds, the bond between parent and child has always been the love that was never overshadowed by romance in this fuckass amatonormative society. At least that's what I always thought. But no, I saw a shitton of reddit posts bullshitting about how spouses should come before kids, FUCKING KIDS, and none of those posts were controversial. That is, none had 0 upvotes, only more than that. I can honestly feel my faith in humanity slipping away. People are actually agreeing with this shit. No, it wasn't enough that romance and marriage pretty much replaces all the close platonic bonds in your life, but it also has to make sure it outranks your kids as well. The whole point of that fuckass relationship even existing in the first place. Quite some time ago, I was able to ignore a hugely popular post on r/unpopularopinion about the same "spouse before children", 34K upvotes in that stupid subreddit, quite the popular opinion huh? But now I just can't ignore this amatonormative BULLSHIT! I just needed a place to vent...

https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/1t1oueo/comment/oji0xdl/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button -- I wanted to highlight this comment and its first reply. You know, couples get social approval, legal benefits, all the cultural significance, a stardardized arrangement where they literally spend every night together under the same roof, behind the same bedroom door, and if all that is still not enough, your damn relationship is more needy than the infant that resulted from it . How is it possible that you get to raise children together and still complain that blissful burden is driving you apart? It's not neglecting your children when you put your spouse before them but it sure as hell is spousal neglect if anyone comes before them, huh? IF ANYONE NEEDS TO HEAR THAT NOT BEING FIRST IS NOT GETTING NEGLECTED, ITS PARTNERS!!!!!! "Ohh maaaan, because of these needy kids I dont get to go on dates with my hubby anymoooore, how will our marriage ever prosper???" meanwhile, adult sibling relationships are starved to death from even the most basic affection because society deemed it too unfitting for a non-romantic relationship. Or best friends for that matter, some of you must have felt frustrated that your best friend, closest platonic person now has less time and effort for you because of their new relationship. Just wish more people placed more concern like this for their platonic bonds, the same way they worry for their marriage, TO THE POINT ITS ACCEPTABLE FOR A GROWN ASS PERSON TO COMPETE WITH THE NEEDS OF A CHILD.

>If the only time I spent with my partner was in bed I would be depressed as hell.

Sometimes, these fkers are just looking for an excuse to complain that their steak is too juicy. SOME PEOPLE LOSE FRIENDS, SIBLINGS OVER ROMANCE, MUCH LESS GETTING TO SEE THEM EVERY DAY. FUCK AMATONORMATIVITY!!!!!

Ive always had struggles with the idea of my best friend dating people. Previously it is something she has hidden from me for months and that made me feel like shit and gave me a real complex about it. Its the only time we have ever fallen out and it has really stuck with me no matter how hard i try and shake it.

Now its happened again and this time comes at a time that i realise im on the aroace spectrum which hads a whole other element to it.

I just want to talk to and be good friends with other aroace people. I wont lose them to relationships, they wont hide secret lovers from me. They will understand that i dont want a typical relationship and wont automatically think i will be jealous because im not dating someone. Its just too hard to explain to my friend how i feel.

Sorry rant over

So I've finally fully accepted that I'm aroace after years of telling myself that maybe I'm bisexual then pansexual. I dated back in high school but that was like ten years ago. All those relationships ended on their part as they said I always seemed or acted uninterested in romantic moments/gestures and etc. I vividly remember one of those breakups cause I just shrugged my shoulders and said okay before walking to my next class. I later heard that he thought I didn't care at all about it.

Anyways, an old friend of mine wants to go on a date with me at some point this week.

The thing is that idk how to explain to him that I'm aroace and won't ever fall in love with him nor feel any romantic attraction to him. I find kissing and sex boring and sometimes useless and I find most romantic gestures annoying. My mom says that I'm as cold as ice anytime I complain about cliche romantic gestures that happen on dates (although I do love them in fictional media). Like sure I'll love them over time just like I love my friends and family but romantic love...that ain't happening.

Idk if I'm making sense.

I’m not too familiar with the lgbtq community so I dont know too much about this but recently I’ve been thinking I haven’t had any crushes and I’m not into romance and all that there’s more but I’m not good at writing all help is appreciated

I know it technically already exists with characters like Peridot from Steven Universe and Lilith from The Owl House. But that’s not really the kind of rep I’m taking about.

As a kid, I saw coming-of-age stories where the main character gets a crush for the first time. Over and over again. It happened in Harry Potter, my favorite book series as a child. Harry falls for Cho Chang. It happened in Gravity Falls, when Dipper gets a crush on Wendy. It is presented like a rite of passage.

Once you get a crush, you know you’re growing older and starting to become a teenager.

Yeah, that never happened for me.

I kept waiting and waiting but it never happened. I thought I was a late bloomer. I thought it would come eventually. When I was asked about who I liked, I just made someone else. Celebrity crush? Just choose a conventionally attractive man and move on. Crush in school? Choose a boy that was half-decent and move on.

Yup, I‘ve decided. It’s that one. I will have a crush on that one, I believe.

Yeah, that’s not how crushes work. And it took me a long, long time to get that.

The point is there has to be more aromantic and asexual representation in kid’s media and specifically in kid’s media. Because once you reach adulthood, you might have already spent years thinking there was something wrong with you.

i just hate the feeling of being so replaceable in contrast to their partners. and i want to preface this by saying before i get into this vent: i'm not upset at any of these people for finding love and being happy! i want my friends happy and i want them to find the one who truly loves them in the way they wish.

my issue just comes with the fact that i'll make a friend, and we'll become super close. we'll talk and talk and be friends for years, but when they get a partner? i slowly watch them distance from me and make less and less time with me for them, and treat me more like a backup option for when their partner isn't around. i've gone through this several times and the upset never gets easier to handle for me. hell, i'm going through it again with a friend of mine atm

my most recent example is: i've been friends with someone for 3 years, consistently talking to them daily for those 3 years. i was there to comfort them at their worst, i was there when their old partner broke up with them and i was the one who always offered my shoulder for them to cry on. i was their only friend after they were cast out from a friendgroup in 2022 for like.. 2 years? i say this because we were a level of close where we both knew eachothers deepest fears, we both knew basically all there was to know about the other. but recently, they met a person 1 month ago and started dating them. all good. i was happy they found love again, especially as they confided in me they wanted it badly.

the issue has began where they've stopped talking to me as much, and whenever i do they seem to only talk about their partner or what they're doing with their partner. we don't really have the same convos we used to because they spend basically the entire day on call with their partner, and when i do get time with them on call their partner either has to come along or they'll leave midway through (at most i can keep them around for a hour) to ditch just to hang out with their partner.

i just feel so alienated because everytime i find someone who i consider to be my best friend, they'll always just slowly leave when they get a partner and treat me like i only exist when their partner can't be around. i feel selfish for saying this but i just want someone, anyone to treat me like i'm important and worth staying around even if they have a partner. its been weighing on me that maybe i'll never be the most important to anyone ever because i simply can't feel love. i've tried to feel love, i tried to convince myself that i could. but i can't, and i hate myself for it almost. i just feel like a side-character in everyones lives and i feel like something is fundamentally broken with me for not being like everyone else in my life who fawns over people and fictional characters while i can never understand it myself

i can't do it anymore man . even if i tried to say something to them i doubt they'd understand my feelings about just feeling like i'll never compare to their partners, even when i pour my heart into relationships just to be cast aside for love. i feel like an asshat for even feeling this way honestly, and if i am evil for feeling this way, please tell me. i don't want to feel like this and i don't want to hate my aroace identity any longer

Last night, I experienced aphobia for the first time in my life, and it hurt me far more than I expected.

It came from a random person in an anonymous chat, not even someone close to me. She introduced herself as bi, so I replied that I'm aroace. I usually never tell people that, especially people from my country, because I know where that conversation is likely to go. But when the person in front of me isn't straight, and is openly queer, I still get the urge to introduce myself. We're all part of the same community, after all, and we all face misunderstanding in a heteronormative world. Apparently, though, that isn't enough for mutual understanding.

Her very next message was, of course, "What's that?" After I explained, the conversation turned into what I still can't tell were jokes or insults. She then asked if being aroace meant that I "fuck people and then leave them." I replied that I don't fuck people either, and after her "I feel sorry for you," I said that I felt sorry for her because I had no idea what it was like to fuck everyone. She didn't like that response. I understand how that could sound, but I also can't say she started the conversation on the best note. I genuinely thought I was just matching the tone of the conversation. I was shocked when it suddenly turned into outright insults.

She told me that she was "at least a complete human being with emotions, unlike me," and that "all I can do is be jealous of her." "She'll find the love of her life, while I deserve nothing but pity." Then she immediately ended the conversation.

I know it's silly to be hurt by the words of a stranger, but in all the time I've identified as aroace, this was the first time something like this had happened to me. Sometimes I simply forget how little people know about aromanticism and asexuality, and how aphobic they can be. At best, people have never heard of it. At worst, they hate it.

It's impossible to simply exist as an aroace person in public without constantly having to explain yourself and debunk the wildest assumptions. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to be the odd one out among either straight people or queer people. I just want to exist without my existence being treated like some kind of mistake of nature. I genuinely don't understand why that's such a difficult concept for most people.

I also know that no matter who I tell this story to, they won't fully understand why it hurt so much, and that makes me even sadder. I sent screenshots of the conversation to my three allo friends—the only people who know I'm aroace. Only one of them replied, agreeing that the woman was in fact an asshole, before the conversation naturally shifted to something else in our group chat. I know that doesn't mean they don't support me or anything, but I had really hoped for a little more reassurance.

I don't like identifying myself as aroace. But if someone is at least willing not to judge me for it, it's a much easier answer to "What's your type?" than saying, "I don't know. I don't fall in love."

Believe me, I've tried.

The first time I hung out with my friends, the conversation naturally turned to relationships. They talked about their types; one of them came out as a lesbian, the other as bi. Eventually they turned to me. At that point I'd only considered myself aroace for a few weeks, so I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to simply tell them that I didn't experience things the way they did. When they asked about my type, I said I didn't know because I don't fall in love.

They laughed.

I was shocked. They didn't believe me. They joked that I could keep my type a secret for now.

I think that was the first time I truly realized how society sees aroace people. Thankfully, the next time I told them directly that I'm aroace and explained what it means, they believed me. I don't think they fully understand me even now, but they're willing to try, and that's all that matters.

One of the biggest thoughts that's been following me ever since I realized I was aroace—and especially since coming out to my friends—is the possibility that I might actually fall in love someday.

Don't get me wrong. I'm probably an aego aroace, and part of me genuinely wants to experience falling in love at least once in my adulthood, just to understand what everyone else feels. But ever since I told my friends I'm aroace, that possibility has become something that scares me as much as it excites me.

How would I explain to people who already struggle to comprehend that I don't experience romantic or sexual attraction that I suddenly have a partner? In their eyes, I'd just be a straight person who wanted attention from the LGBTQ+ community. I know they probably wouldn't mean any harm by thinking that, but I'm convinced it's simply too complicated a concept for most people.

So now I both want a partner and am afraid of ever having one. I constantly wonder whether I should have told my friends I was aroace in the first place. On one hand, it made conversations about romance and sex so much easier. My reactions—and my lack of interest—finally made sense to them. On the other hand, I sometimes feel like I've lost the right to romance or sex, even if I decide I want to try them someday. They won't understand. Anyone who knows me as aroace won't understand.

If you've read all of this, thank you so much.

More than anything, what I've been missing through all of this is the feeling of being understood and heard.

And if you've gone through something similar, please know that you're not alone. Especially if you live, like I do, in a country where even gay and bi people are still met with hostility by much of society.

We're all in the same boat, and at least we have each other. I think that's what matters most.

Is something I have thought because of seeing some people having developed such an attachment that borders being dependence, if is not all cases but is an instant feeling where you give value to another person and it becomes precious for yourself. Call me edgy but I don't think that is convenient. And kind of pathetic on my eyes. I don't understand why other aroace people would want that, maybe they only feel like they are "lacking something"?

Hello, lovely people of reddit. This is a new account since I don't really use this but I have a project I wanna start making but I want to make sure I represent certain communitieis accurately.

So, I'm planning to make a story-driven dating simulator type visual novel, but I want to include a main love interest that is Aro-Ace. I do not plan on the ending to be a relationship kind of deal, but I want to include this character so that potential players will have a deeper understanding of love other than just romantic love.

How would I be able to properly represent you?