u/Daniax_23

I guess it never really goes away. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 14 when i had my first attempt, things got worse and I got ptsd from an abusive relatonship at 15-16. That trauma has not let me go on with my life.

My first year of college was okay, i still had a lot of family issues, but I really see no future now. I've been in therapy for so long and my parents have spent so much on my health that i don't want it to go to waste. I was getting better, and now i'm thinking of ending it again, but i don't want to disappoint my parents. They are my only reason right now. I've made up with my dad, i would like to finally be a daughter, but i don't see myself in the future, because i'm studying biology and all my friends are already in labs, projects, even go to the gym constantly, and i tried to do so too the last semester, but my mental health declined so much. Why can't i do other tasks like others? Why can't I take a lot of things at the same time? Some are already travelling abroad for scholarships because they have perfect grades.

I used to cut, my scars have healed, but if i counted other forms of sh aside from that, i've never really been clean. I hate feeling like this again, I don't see myself working in the future. Every thing i learn in college goes after an exam, while my friends still remember everything. I hate being so behind, that my trauma doesn't even let me sleep some times and flashbacks make me dissociate from the classes. Everyone excels in something, except me. I didn't want my trauma to define me but it seems it does.

Sometimes I want to come home to a warm meal and a hug. My friends live with their parents, i've moved alone to the capital because of university. I'm supposed to be a good student, but I can't think of a single good quality nor something i excel at. I'm not planning anything but my own thoughts are worrying me, and it makes me feel ashamed to think like this again.

If too long, just read from the 3rd paragraph. Also tl,dr: basically the title, male friend touched a girl friend without her consent, i saw it, i tried to talk to her, she didn't admit it, but i know what i saw and i don't know how as a friendgroup could help Lara without causing more harm.

I won't be extense about the context. I have a large friendgroup, 10 ppl, there are mini groups within but we all spend time with each other. A friend called Alex is very flirty, a womanizer, and he's making advances on me for the past year, like touching my waist whenever he can, or my hips, but i didn't say anything because i though it was just a mannerism. We had a small gathering at a friend's house, Andrei. We go to his room before drinking and some friends lay on the bed, Andrei brought an extra mattress to place on the floor, I lay there with a close friend, Dean. Soon after Alex arrives and he lays between us, kinda placing his arm near my hip, I leave and 5 minutes after, he leaves, he just wanted to touch me i guess.

That's some context. Few hours later, another friend, named Lara, was basically closer to Alex. They were flirting, she laid her head on his lap, they drank together. Fast forward a few hours later we decide to go back to Andrei's room, on the bed next to the wall is Andrew, then in the middle Lara, and then almost falling from the bed Xavier, a close friend of mine.

Tw for descriptions of SA on the next paragraph.

I was sitting on the mattress on the floor, I sit up to change positions. The room was dark, and for a second I lift my gaze, I see Alex almost spooning Lara, and squeezing one of her breasts. I saw that for two seconds, I wasn't drunk, it was so dark, and a moment after, Lara jumped off the bed and went to the living room. I followed her. "Hey Lara, are you alright? I think i saw-" then she cut me off. "Nothing happened, I'm just looking for my phone." She says this while not meeting my gaze, she was frantically searching for her phone. I didn't want to pressure her, I returned to the room. Maybe I'm mistaken, maybe I didn't see correctly. I was confused and shocked. She locked herself in the bathroom for a while, I privately talk to Andrei. "Hey, I think I saw this, please check on Lara, i know she trusts you more." Soon after Lara returns, and before she was wearing a tank top, now she covered with a hoodie. I knee then, I knew, the signs were there.

The rest of the time she stared at nothing or was on her phone. The signs were there. After she took a taxi and left, I texted her. "Lara, I think I saw this happen, i hope i'm mistaken but if i'm not, please reach out to anyone, you're not alone". She said the alcohol had made her tired, that bothing happened with Alex, same thing she said to Andrei. Dean and Xavier brought me home, and on the way i told them about this. Xavier confirmed it to me, i wasn't crazy or seeing things. Because Xavier felt the movement, he himself has trauma from bullying so he's very quiet, but he felt guilty as fuck for not knowing how to react, anyways, he went to check on Lara after he noticed. Lara basically confirmed it, said something along these lines "yeah, i'll just keep my distance from him".

But she looked so shocked, so scared, because it's already horrible when a stranger does it, but a friend, where it was supposed to be a safe space... I believe i could have done more. But I didn't want to pressure her. And at the same time it's so triggering because of my own trauma having to do with SA from a person I trusted a lot. It's eating at me. This happened yesterday and I can't sleep. Maybe if I stopped Alex's own advances towards me would've helped him realize this was wrong, and could've prevented him doing it to Lara. In no way i'm trying to make this about me but i can't stop feeling guilty, and thinking about how she must feel right now.

What we want to do is maybe talk to her, tell her what we know happened, support whatever she wants to do. There is the chance she doesn't want to do anything, but I will personally distance myself from Alex, and if she does agree that we all as a friendgroup cut him off, we will help her explain the situation to the others, or i don't know, it depends on how she wants to proceed.

But this is affecting me secondarily because of my own trauma, because what kind of person was I next to the whole time, what if she doesn't want to do anything? I can't see him as anything more than a predator right now, that won't change. But how could we cut him off if the qhoke friendgroup doesn't know about what happened? But if everyone knows, would it be revictimizing Lara?

I came across a Danganronpa post, where in v1, v2, v3, the chubby or ugly character was always hc as arromantic or asexual. I've seen this before in other fandoms, it's kind of weird, honestly. Reminds me of a post I saw some days ago of a woman on the arromantic spectrum saying ppl around her said things like "you're too pretty to be arromantic" or "that's too bad". Apparently conventionally attractive people can't be aroace, and if you're pretty you must use it to get a partner, and if you're not conventionally attractive or skinny you're probably aroace? what the hell? I myself am someone on the ace spectrum and conventionally attractive, i've received weird comments for not actively hooking up with people that find me pretty. The stigma towards aroace people is so weird.

I'm not saying those characters can't be headcannoned as aroace, but like.. i've seen it so constantly, it's a pattern at this point. A weird one at that.

I've been questioning myself a lot. basically, I think I may be aroace because I don't feel sexual attraction. I mean, I do have a libido when I'm alone by myself, if you know what I mean. But I had a partner of two years, almost three years. And he's so handsome, he's gorgeous, but I just didn't feel like having sex. I don't feel the need to participate in sex. Then I do have fantasies, maybe including some people, but I wouldn't initiate intimacy. Because I can fantasize, but I don't think I want to do it with them. I think this is all tied down to, long story short, my first partner, when I was 15, he coerced me into having sex multiple times. And I think that messed up my view on sex, but I've been in therapy for years. I do have PTSD from that relationship because it was toxic in many ways, and maybe that's influencing on how I feel about sex. But still, I think I've pretty much healed. I'm in a better place right now. And I don't think it's strictly tied to my trauma.

And also on the aromantic side, I feel like, idk when I think that I like a guy, it's like, it's very fleeting, really. It's like I like him, and then he does something, and then I stop liking him. But it's something very small, like something that wouldn't be of importance. And after my first relationship, the my partner of those two to three years, well, there were a lot of things that I didn't care about in our relationship. Like from the start, I was never jealous. Like, it's so weird because it's like he could go out with another girl, just the two of them alone, and I wouldn't care. Nothing, not one bit. Also, I wouldn't mind if he was cold to me, if he didn't respond to me in hours. Like, I don't care. And when I talk about it with my friends, they obviously do care about those things in a relationship. I don't. I think maybe, it wasn't genuine love. Maybe I didn't really love him. I'm not sure, could be that. And right now I can find a person attractive, I can say, damn, they're beautiful, but I wouldn't want a romantic relationship with them. Because I think it's too much of a baggage, honestly (MAYBE that's also tied to my trauma). But I also do want like that bond with someone, perhaps a platonic bond. I'm not sure what any of this is called. I feel like everything is a mess right now. What I'm saying right now, it's all mixed up. And I'm looking for some clarity, basically, on some of these topics.

I don't know what to do. I've struggled with this for years, in 2022 there was a point where I couldn't even look in the mirror without crying. No compliment helps. I've been told by friends, family and ever other neutral people that i'm beautiful but I just can't see it. It's weird because sometimes I believe it when i'm getting ready, sometimes i feel beautiful, but then I see myself in a picture and i feel like the ugliest person ever.

Deep down I know i'm not ugly, a part of me knows, from the compliments i've received, the ones that sounded genuine, that i am not ugly, at least i'm average, but i just can't see myself in pictures, i don't want to be taken photos, i hate crying when I try clothes on. And I don't know how to fix this because as i say, sorry for repeating this, i know i'm not ugly, but a bigger part of me believes it. I don't think this will ever improve.

Yes, about other women. Some days ago I came accross a post like this: 《"men would fuck anything, even animals so don't place your value on them" imagine knowing an animal is more desireable than me》

Yes. Exactly like that.

There were women in the comments saying they wish they'd be harrassed to know they're desireable. I remember seeing a post with this narrative years ago, i commented that SA and harrassment and stalking are always about control, not attractiveness, and the guys doing it are disgusting degenerates. Someone responded to me saying "i feel bad that not even disgusting men that would fuck a chicken want me, imagine how that feels." I was 14, staring at my screen in shock.

Now, i just wanted to talk about this topic, because there is still a group of girls that think like this, that their value is defined by a man. It's really sad. The comments on the days ago video were full of that group of women, why wasn't there comments trying to tell them otherwise or reason with them? The OP was deleting them.

At some point I did see one comment saying how this was wrong and how it also invalidates survivors of SA, and it's true. I remember on the post I saw years ago, there were survivors sharing their experiences, and some replied with "i wish that happened to me", those kinds of comments disgusted me. But it's really, really sad.

​

I still don't know how to handle those too much. I've been told I have C-PTSD by two therapists but I haven't gone to a psychiatrist yet, so I thought I could ask here. For context, my trauma comes from verbal abuse and public humilliation by my highschool teachers, followed by coertion/SA during a year long relationship, all of this happened since I was 14 to 17. I didn't cry for a year about all of this. My symptoms started during university, at 17-18 when a teacher started triggering me during classes.

Today the TV was playing that novel Fatmagul, first episode, where four guys abuse the girl. We were having lunch so I couldn't get up and leave. I asked my mom like 3 times to turn off the tv or switch to the news or something during the abuse scene, but she didn't. I saw the whole thing. I have never been raped violently, since it was just coertion, but i swear i felt his hands on me all over again, then the camera focuses on their hands on her legs, there was a time something like that happened with my ex and i did have to get violent with him or he'd do more. Then the scenes where she's taken to the hospital, they put iv drips on her arms and hands after the incident, i have trauma from a surgery i had some months ago, i hate to even see things like that, it's all messing with my head right now, and I don't know how to avoid crying here in the table, i feel like i'm on the verge of breaking down.

Wel trigger warning for that i guess. Sorry for the long title. I've recently had a big fight with my father, and he threw those comments to me. Mind you he doesn’t even know the extent of my trauma, not even that i have ptsd from that, he doesn’t believe in diagnosis and trauma. And he said those things. I'm 19, i call what happened to me abusive relationship because at 15 the guy i was with didn't take no for an answer, insulted me, controlled who i was with, and forced himself on me some times. It wasn't that serious as other abusive relationships but it impacted me and here i am. How do you deal with those comments?

I don't want to come off as petty or insensitive but I couldn't help but think about this, yet don't know how to word it properly.

I've felt this for some time now, a friend was telling me that his worst nightmare was about his account being hacked and he woke up very scared. Another friend said something about hearing screaming in a nightmare and that was the worse one they had, girl i'd be thankful for only having that.

I hate that we have this so normalized. It's exhausting to simply exist along with this disorder. And again, I don't want to belittle their feelings or experiences, it's just a thought.

Edit: i wrote this at a vulnerable moment, which i have a lot since i'm 19 and still learning to live with this, i didn't know how to call people who don't struggle (hence why the ""), and it wasn't my intention to say all people with ptsd are "abnormal", but i do feel abnormal, everyday and even more at the moment i wrote this. because no matter how hard i try, people WITHOUT ptsd, mental health disorders, or cronic illnesses, they will always have an easy day, and just one gray day compared to us, while we're fighting to get by every single day.

19F, diagnosed anxiety, depression and ptsd.

Are hallucinations common with flashbacks or ptsd in general? I haven't heard of this.

So some months ago I've started hearing voices before going to sleep. They were random things, few times they were negative stuff about myself. Thought they could be normal since they happened during that in-between awake and asleep. Some weeks ago i've started hearing them during the day, and most of them were negative.

I think it's relevant to mention that my trauma highly involves classrooms and teachers, so I usually experience emotional flashbacks and end up disassociating the whole period. Today I was actually trying to listen to my teacher and he was talking about a woman related to the subject. Example: "Marie Curie discovered this and that", but then I swear I heard him say "but her boyfriend did this and that to her, so no one believed her". Again, relevant to mention another thing, during the period where my trauma happened (2020-2023) I had a relationship. My boyfriend at that time played a big part, he abused me sexually and verbally a few times.

This was so weird and it had never happened to me. I know in reality my teacher never said that, but it felt too real. I don't even know if I'm making this up because as I said it was too real, but the memory feels so distant. I asked on the r/ptsd and most said they didn't experience this or heard it being associated with ptsd, so it's confusing me.

I don't consume drugs, alcohol only when I go out with friends (maybe every two weeks) and even then I don't get wasted, and I was not sleep deprived today.

I used to hear voices before going to sleep but now i've started to hear them while in class during the day. I was convinced my teacher whi was talking about a woman in history, said about the woman that "her boyfriend did ____ to her and no one believed her." Literally heard that. I was so confused. My trauma obviously involves my boyfriend who was violent.

Another time I just heard voices that were talking about random things, sometimes they were negative directed at me. But this started happening during the day and it used to be only at night.

I seriously don't know what to do because a part of me feels like I'm just playing victim and making this up because right after these episodes the memory feels so distant. but at the same time it felt so real. I'm so tired of living like this, ptsd overall is so tiring, this doesn't feel like life.

For context (i promise i won't go deep into my trauma, ik this group isn't for that), I (19F) have ptsd and nightmares at night, sometimes I hear voices and i can't sleep. To add on that, my trauma involves teachers, and during lectures I have very bad flashbacks and get sleepy too.

Today it was difficult as well, I was falling asleep in class and this girl walks up to me and hands me a candy. I was confused, and she added "don't fall asleep" with a gentle smile.

We never spoke before in class, but she was so thoughtful for a stranger. Lighted up my day definetly and makes me want to do the same for others.

I feel like it genuinely won't get better. Like, why do I have to live with this from now on? I'm still young and want to experience, but I limit myself because of the trauma.

Sometimes I'd like to vent but I already speak too much, i already vent too much because daily i experience these disgusting symptoms and I don't want to be seen as a victim or have people to pity me, but i also long for someone to listen, aside from my therapist. This is so weird.

My trauma is related to my ex, and i see myself in the future like.. having to talk about my ex as for the context of my ptsd with a future partner. No partner wants to talk about an ex, but would i need to explain if i still get flashbacks and nightmares daily? Or is it better to just accept i can't have a relationship again after this trauma?

I've been feeling kinda inadequate because I don't have too much nightmares, but I do have daily flashbacks, i even lose track of time, like disassociating. Is it normal? Are there others out here with symptoms more recurrent than others?