Recently Diagnosed
Hello!
As the title says, I was recently diagnosed with OCPD. 5 years ago, I was also diagnosed with Bipolar 2 disorder, rapid cycling.
Im still coming to terms with the diagnosis and reading online resources. Ngl, reading the online articles about OCPD sometimes makes me feel like shit the way they talk and describe the people having OCPD, as if they are evil- but maybe thats just OCPD as well lol.
The biggest thing I struggle with is the rigid morals and ethics. I come from a stressed family so my friends are quite my everything. I wouldn't say its 'scoring ', but I do overthink my friends actions. My friends also have mental illnesses; some of them are also undiagnosed, etc., so in my head it becomes this porridge of different thoughts to try and make sense of it, but maybe the point is that there is no sense when it comes to humans?
I had a very close bestfriend for 2 years. I stopped talking to her a year ago. She had cheated on her partner, but that wasn't the issue. It was her behaviour afterwards and how she handled it. I was also her only close friend at that time, and all her emotions were, for lack of a better term, dumped on me. Throughout our friendship, she used to scream a lot, out of anger, frustration, etc. She had a hard time balancing emotions and was/ maybe is still stuck in a shitty relationship. She also had a habit of being extremely defensive of her actions- to prevent bias, I also asked other mutual friends of ours, and they did agree to it as well. She was also a little competitive with me? for eg, im a political person (im queer), she once said that she supported a particular political party but didnt know about their policies much- though she knew that they were anti-queer, etc. Things like that.
I'm not the perfect person either. I know I can say the wrong things sometimes but I do think if you take the time to explain it to me i can handle it calmly, though I don't think i could say the same about her.
But damn we had such good times! it was truly so awesome and fulfilling. We used to be around each other all the time. Smoke up, talk about stupid things, laugh, de-stress together etc.
I went full non-contact with her because I froze: After the cheating part, her begging her partner to take her back, etc. we had a phone call (9 am while im on my way to work) where she was crying and ranting to me. She was crying that her (ex)partners friends were posting stories on Instagram about her, etc. I was only able to say- try and ignore them, just focus on yourself. Her reply was- I don't want you to be right i want you to be my friend. Thats when i froze. Because we have had this issue for so long- 2 years. Im not someone who can just switch my brain off. I also am not someone who can agree to something that i feel like is wrong, i think its better to be just silent at that point of time. And all that hurt- of being pointed out as an inadequate friend and being called out on it again and again eventhough i was tyring my best (ive talked her down from sewercide, been a middle man in her relationship to make sure that her emotions dont cause her to do other things...) being forced to fit into this one mould and deliver everything made me crack.
and thus we stopped talking. I don't think she even knows why we stopped talking. I had thought that maybe one day I'll approach her and talk to her but I think ill just freeze. I cant handle the screaming and shouting and trying to explain how someone's action affected me without them having an open mind (which ive never seen her do).
and now comes this diagnosis. I know tha they are grey areas when it comes to human relations. Ive come to an understanding of it over a period of time, but this shit has just boomeranged me bro. Like things make sense and they dont at the same time. I had regained some trust in myself and how i handle things, but now i feel like thats gone as well. This shits so tiring.
thankyou for taking the time and reading this- means a lot. Drink water, cuddle a pillow at night. Hope tank is running on low, but we make it through.
Tldr; OCPD and other things have made me have a moral crisis on my ex friendship.