I was in a long distance entanglement with avoidant for over a year. We met when I first moved to europe and it was essentially like a movie for a month, but never felt completely secure. Sure I liked him very much, and honestly he treated me well but my heart still was cautious despite him being the first person I was intimate with in over 2 years.
We kept talking, he moved to london for work, and he got sparser as he works in investment banking and was saying how he was oh so busy, even though I saw him change his hinge location. But I shrugged it off like well im dating around too so what can i expect. We have this like infrequent communication until we rekindle on New Years and I tell him im coming to london in spring. So, i see him and then after a few weeks, he tells me how much he misses me and spends the weekend with me in my city. I had never felt more chosen, desired, and admired in my life. I was alive and it was an amazing feeling. I go back to see him for a weekend before I leave and it was good, but his avoidant tendencies started to shine through. I excused them unfortunately.
I fall more and more in love with him as we keep communicating once I came back even though we mostly communicated on weekends/when he was free. We were intimate over the phone and he would tell me to come to london, how much he misses, or how he wants to come see me. I date around but I get more and more anxious in this relationship, with adrenaline coursing through me when I would recieve messages and breadcrumbs from him. All the while, he had been following and unfollowing girls.
Finally, after many months and tears, I confront it about needing more transparency and needing him to follow up on his calls that he promised. At first, he was nice and just made a bunch of excuses with work, family, friends. I pushed harder and told him I need him to mean the things he says. He ignores me for two weeks in the middle of my finals for my masters program. I basically am a sobbing mess the whole time and finally I hear from him and its him being dismissive, saying how coming to the u.s. is a "pipe dream" rn, how we can stop what we are doing if thats easier, and then asks about my finals. I read it and didnt respond for 4 months.
In those 4 months, I missed him, I yearned for him, well it sucked. I kept wondering would he come back and he kept orbiting my shit because I did not block him. I saw another guy and well I felt love bombed and rushed so I ended things with him. Then my avoidant liked my post (bare minimum) after months of just orbiting, just another bunch of crumbs.
Two weeks ago, it was my birthday. I was a bit curious to see would he say something. At some point I gave up because I was having a wonderful time with my friends and it was 5 pm in the u.s. so 10 pm in london. Then I get a text from him saying "happy birthday!!! hope youre going well :))" and I felt my body electrified. I respond just saying "thank you 'name', hope youre going well too".
Well, this asshole has done his thing again, and has left me on delivered since then even though he orbits. This has been very sobering and now i have realized I cannot stand people thay act like him and I would never want to be with someone long term thay consistently has repeated these patterns with every woman in their life. And still continues to do that even though they are almost 30. Please realize that just because they are nice and you had this amazing experience with them does not cover up all of the ways they manipulate you and make you feel like a fraction of yourself.
Watching the holiday with Kate Winslet helped me a lot, because do not waste your precious time wondering they are the way they are. We all deserve much more than breadcrumbs and to set boundaries even if we see potential in that person and love them. I know this was long, but I think I needed this clarity. And this final act of disrespect to realize that they were not a genuine person to their core, and this is not the person any of us want to spend the rest of our lives with. Thank you for reading (if you did).