what were your early warning signs? I am worried...
I am currently in a relationship with someone who during arguments I have experienced screaming at the top of his lungs, ripping his shirt open, punching walls, screaming into pillows, stomping his feet, and becoming extremely emotionally dysregulated very quickly. He says the conflict in our relationship “pushes him there,” but my experience is that he becomes activated very easily and is hypervigilant to mood shifts, perceived criticism, and conflict.
He was recently diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and is currently taking a leave of absence from work after an emotional outburst there. What is very hard for me to stomach is that he is now saying our relationship/fights were a major contributing factor both in his current decline and the work outburst. At the same time, he still says he wants to be with me, that I’m his person, the love of his life, etc. How do I reconcile these things?
After ruptures, the conversations often become very focused on dissecting my words, tone, intentions, what I “did” to escalate things, and I end up emotionally flattened and apologizing while we never really address how frightening his actual outbursts feel to me.
I know the word gaslighting gets overused, but I genuinely feel like when he experiences shame about his behavior, reality starts shifting and I end up feeling responsible for everything. I know I play a part in conflict like anyone does, but I feel like I am starting to lose trust in my own perceptions and believe that maybe I really am the problem, not soft enough, not careful enough, not regulated enough...
Meanwhile I am walking on eggshells trying not to trigger another explosion.
He has never hit me, but I feel psychologically destabilized and increasingly afraid of his emotional volatility. I guess my question is: are these considered warning signs for emotional abuse/escalation? I am spiraling at how things don't line up and am now exhausted and feel muted too...