Will I finally stop caring after I have the baby?
I’m 8.5 months pregnant and I genuinely don’t know how much longer I can do this emotionally.
My boyfriend and I still live together, but at this point we basically just coexist. Every time we talk, it turns into an argument. He’s rude to me constantly and acts like he can’t stand me. Maybe I’m not completely innocent in our arguments either, and I can admit that, but I’m so tired of feeling like I’m constantly walking on eggshells around someone I’m supposed to feel safe and loved by.
And I want to be fair because he does take care of me financially. I’m not going to pretend he doesn’t. But he also holds it over my head, and it makes me feel like because he provides financially, I’m not allowed to have feelings about the way he treats me.
I know I want to leave him. That’s the crazy part. I’m not sitting here wondering whether I should stay forever. I want out. I just genuinely cannot seem to detach from him emotionally.
I feel almost obsessed with him. I obsess over his exes, who he could be talking to, whether he’s talking to other girls, what he’s doing on his phone, whether he watches porn, who he finds attractive, etc. We basically never have sex anymore, and I’m almost 9 months pregnant. I’m already overweight, pregnancy has obviously made me gain more weight, and I feel so disgusting and unwanted. The way he acts toward me makes it so much worse.
And what kills me is that I’ve never treated him that way. He’s had times where he wasn’t exactly taking care of himself or looked different, and I never suddenly looked at him like he was disgusting. I loved him anyway.
Then there’s my son.
My son is 2 and doesn’t have a relationship with his biological dad. He thinks my boyfriend is his dad. My boyfriend has never actually said he doesn’t want anything to do with my son, but it’s the way he acts toward him that hurts. He tells me I’m a bad mom and criticizes the way I parent my son, and he basically says that because of how I parent him, that’s why he isn’t into my son.
My son obviously doesn’t understand any of this. He just knows that the person he thinks is his dad is acting differently toward him. And he’s been acting out more
because of it.
And now I’m about to have another baby with this man.
I keep wondering if having this baby will finally make something switch in my brain.
Not because I think a baby will magically fix our relationship. I don’t. I actually think having another baby could make everything harder.
I just desperately want to stop caring the same way he did.
I want to wake up one day and not care who he’s texting. I don’t want to stalk his exes or compare myself to them. I don’t want to wonder who he finds attractive. I don’t want to need his attention or approval. I don’t want to feel crushed when he acts like he hates me. I don’t want to love someone this much when I know I want to leave them.
I want to be over him.
Has anyone else experienced this? Did something finally change emotionally after you had your baby, where you stopped being so attached to your partner and started caring more about yourself and your kids?
Because I know what I WANT to do. I just can’t seem to make my emotions catch up with what my brain already knows.