I need help, husband asking/crying for help
Hi!
I’ve never made a Reddit post before. I am asking for help because I do not know what to do anymore.
Our son is 9 weeks old, he was born slightly early and my wife had signs before birth of having extreme anxiety that she was not progressing well by having me measure her bump and tracking her #s, her body image, the fear of having a c section, and not feeling him enough. All of these are understandable and I try to be as supportive as I can. We went to labor and delivery ER 8 times during the pregnancy.
Since he was born, we wanted to EBF him. We were unable to night one, and struggled initially for a few weeks, we saw lactation, we tried different breast feeding holds, we tried dream feeding. Nothing worked and we were combo feeding for the first 3-4 weeks, breast then bottle and then pumping every feed. This led us to buying the hatch weigh feeder? Where you can weigh them before and after a feed to know how much they are intaking, this I believe was the worst purchase for us.
Since buying this, my wife has obsessed over how much he’s feeding how little he’s feeding and how often he’s feeding. He’s 9 weeks, and we still do 2-3 hr wake up’s for feeding, because she fears he’s dehydrating. Our pediatrician and the ER doctors have both told us he’s healthy and fine. He has plenty of wet diapers a day 10-12 usually, and he’s not lethargic. To me he seems healthy, he is on the smaller side (20th percentile) so I assume that might be why he doesn’t eat as much sometimes.
Sorry for the long backstory, I am asking for help because I do not know what to do as a husband and father anymore. I get screamed at daily saying I’m being dismissive when I don’t agree with her that he’s dehydrating. I am told I’m not supportive, or emotionally there for her, and that she feels alone. And I’m trying to understand her and help her but every time I do she yells and screams at me for being a bad father and husband. I am the only one who works, I work in sales and have the freedom to be home almost all day every day. I soothe him to bed every feed, I do diapers every feed, I cook everyday, I do the bottle washing and dishes albeit I should do those more often. I take care of the pets, I’m up with her every feed, including night feeds.
This has only gotten worse with her anger and resentment. She messaged me saying she resents me now. Because I’m not there emotionally for her. She tells me she’s going to kill herself and that he makes her want to kill herself. I don’t know how to respond to that. I’m also not perfect, she makes side comments, jabs, pokes, and in anger after awhile I snap back during our arguments and tell her that she needs to get help, she’s causing this anxiety and depression herself. She’s not taking any steps to help herself. So I am not perfect either, I’ve also been more or less detrimental to her mental health, because of how I respond to her during those arguments.
Today she threatened to take our son because my father is coming to visit and she says nobody deserves to see him and that she’s going to take him away and I’ll have to tell my parents sorry they can’t see him, I understand they don’t have a right… but it feels almost like it’s being held over my head. Today has also been the worst day ever for us as a couple. She won’t leave our baby’s side because he needs to eat is what she says, she’s waking him every 2 hrs to feed him and is stressing herself out when she weighs him and he only eats 2 oz (he’s very happy and otherwise very normal baby)
She also has indicated that if she has PPD she would just lie so she doesn’t get any help because she doesn’t believe in medicine or therapist. (I think the meds is more of a fear of not being herself)
I’m just asking for help… I feel like she’s no longer the woman I married and I still love her but I’m lost and defeated
TLDR: wife says I’m not supportive and I don’t emotionally help her, she fires back every chance she can to tell me I’m a bad husband and father. I think it’s tied to post pardum depression or anxiety but I don’t want to assume.
I am seeking advice or help of what to do.