I became a mom 18 months ago, intentionally thinking and accepting that it would be the most challenging thing I could ever do. I was at my best - physically and mentally so I thought I was ready for the upcoming challenges - boy was I wrong.

First of all, I've never romantically felt that becoming a mom is the most joyous occasion at birth. I gave birth naturally which was harder than I though but I did it and it felt really good, has a positive birth story but after that everthing kind of went downhill.

I did not enjoy breastfeeding nor did my baby. He never slept -didnt want it- on the boob. Breastfed about 3-5min since he was 2 mo baby and gained weight. I literally forced my self and my baby to continue breastfeeding until he self weaned himself which was around 12 mo. The whole breastfeeding thing was traumatic for me because everyone said I should keep doing it even though he doesn't want it, is it enough, is it too short on the breast, I should breastfeed every time he cries and so on. It caused a lot of "I am not suited for this, being mom, normal mom feelings" because we did not had that classic boob loving baby and baby on the breast loving mom bond and truthfully it crashed me.

I started having my period on my 40th day of pp - which was not something I was thinking and it was the worst pain Ive ever had period wise. Each month I had excruating pain until maybe 8-9th month and then it started to get less and less. 12 mo pp after weaning - I directly went to a psychiatrist to have a diagnosis and chemical help (aka pills) because I was self-harming the whole time pp starting from day 20. I had suicidal thoughts, I scream-cried and I had heightened touch and sound sensitivity. She told me I could be categorized as PTSD but did not mention the root cause, precribed me an SSRI (fluoxetine 20 mg) but 4 months into it I didnot see any major difference except the sabateur voice in my head was gone. I didnt continue the pill because each visit to doctor was very expensive and I felt she did not help the way I was looking.

Along with all of this, I did not enjoy motherhood as I imagined, I was so expecting to be a loving and calm mom and instead Ive became this rage-y impatient mom. It is obvious that I dont have enough help, I'm trying to do everything at once, I am a perfectionist etc but after ovulation I swear I turn into this woman that I hate - she has no patience, no toleration, overstimulated all the time and she wants to be alone in the dark far away from everyone. A month ago or so Ive realized I might have PMDD because last 18 months was always out of balance but this imbalances therefore the crises always happened around luteal especially 4-5 days before period and right at the end of ovulation. Although I thought it was PPD somethimes, ADHD or my neurodivergency, PTSD after the dr mentioned, Ive never thought it was PMDD - Ive never had it before my baby.

I am scared that I will never enjoy motherhood and I get jealous and feel guilty when moms around me who are able to do it and embrace it. I dont want to remember these days like this but nothing I do works and it started to take a big toll on me. Now I hate myself so much that I have a hard time looking in the mirror. Its hard for me to enjoy my time with my baby even though he is super cute and social - he is very strong-willed and a high-risk taker for his age and that pushes me to the edge all the time. I even hit his hand couple of times when he tried to do risky things 2-3 times after he didnt listen to my warnings - and then we cried together.

I do not know what my next steps should be. My bloodwork seems fine. I use Mag Complex and Omega-3 every day and started calcium during my luteal because I don't have enough dairy during the day. I eat fairly healthy, 1-2 times alcohol during the week, occasionally 1 cigarette after baby is asleep, and coffee every morning. I do functional lifting training 2 times every week for the last 3 months, I taught a class at local university. I dont have the optimum relationship with my husband, particularly because of this PMDD and also because men suck at parenting and all they want to do is "provide" financially, but mentally physically they are somewhere else. He is present and helps but does not carry the workload as I wanted to be. Please help me, help me with your stories, your experiences. Ask me questions; maybe there is something missing in the story. I just want to be normal - maybe not even normal but not this person. This is not me and I even consider removing my uterus - which I think is a huge thing for many women. Because if this is what it takes I might do it.

Sincerely from a 18 mo pp mom who met PMDD after giving birth

Backstory my husband and I have been together 13 years and married 5. We just had our first baby late last year. I’m 29F he’s 32M.

My husband has what I know is a porn addiction. Everyday, multiple times a day looking at porn or pornographic subreddits. I’m 5 months postpartum and really struggling with body image.

I didn’t gain almost any weight during pregnancy (8 pounds and baby was 7lbs 4oz) but I’ve always been a bit of a bigger woman imo. I’ve been around 150-180 since 2017 due to hip surgery and being immobile during that recovery period. Before that I was a 00-2 in pant size, running everyday and generally carefully watching my weight (due to having a WW mom) That being said I always thought I looked good and I believed my husband did too even when I moved to a size 10 in 6 months during recovery. He always complimented my body and looks great even at my biggest weight.

Before our baby, we had what I thought was a great sex life. At least once a week if not 3-4 times. I had an extremely stressful job of being a GM of a multi million dollar restaurant and still had the drive to want to have sex. I know he looked at porn then because we had opposite schedules. I was also working 70-80 hours a week. So I get why he wanted to get a release for himself.

Recently I’ve been struggling with what he’s looking at porn wise. I know every woman throughout her life struggles with body image issues. But the fact he’s looking at women that are 00-2 sizes really has hurt my confidence. I’m not that size. I haven’t been for literally almost a decade.

I’ve talked to him about how much porn he’s looking at and it’s always “you’re beautiful” and “I’m not looking at porn thinking of those women, I think of you” which I feel is absolutely not true.

We haven’t had sex in almost a month. My libido is lower than his, and has always been that way. But come on. He’s not initiating and I feel burnt out from trying when I feel the mood. Even through my pregnancy I was initiating.

It’s never been so much of a dead bedroom. I know having a baby is hard but part of me wonders if watching so much porn isn’t causing disinterest on his part. My corded hitachi and I feel more intimate that my freaking husband. I’m so tired of initiating and not getting off.

Can anyone give me advice? I’m not trying to sound spineless about putting my foot down on watching porn entirely because I know that I’m not in the mood as much as he is. Also I don’t view porn as cheating or stepping out like some women do. I might be wrong for that, I just need advice. I’m so tired of feeling like it’s a chore for me to initiate. I want to feel wanted and adored. So any advice is greatly appreciated and welcomed!

Starting Zurzuvae tomorrow night and read about the strong sedative effects during the night. I’m currently pumping or breastfeeding every 2-3 hours. The plan is to have my husband wake me up when I need to pump but I’m nervous about not being able to fully wake up. Does anyone have experience with this?

So Im sure I'm going through post partum depression. I'm always feeling not myself. I don't want to do anything and I've been pushing baby stuff onto my husband.

Well today I was told baby was coming home since they aren't feeling well and I just started crying thinking about having to hold my baby.

I don't think me and my baby has bonded well or some other personal reasons for me not being close with my baby.

I'm not sure what to do or how to get help.

Does anyone know what I should do?

I'm worried this will get worse and I don't want that.

I want to start by saying I’ve never posted on Reddit before but I need to vent a little I think. I (23F) had my son roughly 7 months ago. I love this kid with my entire heart. But I’m really struggling to feel like I’m a human being outside of being a mother. I’m a SAHM and my husband works rough hours, so he’s gone the majority of the time and when he’s home I get roughly 4-5 hours of sleep before I have to be up with our LO. I barely get to see him as when he’s home I’m asleep and then he’s asleep before leaving for work again. We have a roommate who is tries to be helpful but they are not a kid person. They do what they can handle but I understand it’s not their kid they have no responsibility or obligation to help me. I oftentimes have the whole weight of keeping this tiny creature alive when it seems he wants to do anything he can to die🤦‍♀️
I’m exhausted. I feel like I haven’t slept since he was born and I know I have but I don’t feel like I’ve rested. My body is forever changed and I’m still trying to come to terms with that. My house is constantly a mess and I can’t keep up with the cleaning or laundry. I am autistic and physical touch is very hard for me so I never even tried to breastfeed. But I’m still constantly feeling overtouched and overwhelmed. I feel like crying everyday and Im not the type to cry kind of ever.
My mother in law is helpful but she also works a lot and can only take him for a few hours every couple of weeks. And when she takes him I spend the whole time he’s gone stressing out and cleaning.
I get so frustrated with my son and I feel so guilty because he’s honestly such an easy baby. But I find myself feeling so empty so often. I have nothing left to give you know? Maybe I’m just not cut out for this.
I know this is probably just PPD or PPA but drs make me so anxious and I’d really rather avoid medication (ik I’m not consistent enough with meds to take them everyday correctly)
I’ve been trying to get out of the house more like walk in the park and such with the LO but the weather hasn’t been great recently and I’m feeling so cooped up and like I’m living in a cave and that’s making it so much worse.

Is there any advice or anything that helped you guys feel like both a mother AND a person postpartum?

I’m almost 5 months postpartum. I’ve had OCD my whole life and struggled with depression since I was a college student. Both were extremely under control before I got pregnant. I WAS HAPPY. Like genuinely happy. I didn’t feel weights on my shoulders. I could see the bright side of any situation. My emotions were in check. Life was great in my head.

Half way through my pregnancy I started having a singular really bothersome intrusive thought. I haven’t been able to shake it since it popped into my head one day. I feel like there’s a little voice in the back of my head constantly telling me that my life is worthless, my husband and baby would be better off without me, that if I don’t remove myself from them, then they will eventually hate me and it will happen anyways. That I’ll lose my whole world, everything that means anything to me will be gone. Every. Single. Day. This replays in my head. I used to be able to distract myself with friends and family. But now I just can’t. Whenever I start to feel lighter and happy like I used to, it pops into my head and makes me feel horrible and unworthy of the life I have. I know that it’s just an intrusive thought and isn’t real. But I’m so exhausted from arguing with that little voice all the time and trying to tell it them it’s wrong and I know I’m a good person.

I’m so tired. I don’t know how to keep doing this every day. I feel like I’m not worthy of the life I have. That he should be free to find a better wife for himself and mother for our child. I’m so lost and I’m trying so hard to hide it. The mask is starting to crack and I just want to be there for my baby as long as I can. I love my baby with my whole heart, and I’m so in love with and devoted to my husband. I feel like I’m just letting them both down everyday.

Please help me. I’m so scared of telling anyone. I don’t want to lose my family.

I am a FTM to an almost 4 month old and have been struggling with PPD. I have talked to my dr and am in counseling but I don’t know if it is helping all that much. I am overwhelmed, sad and on edge a lot of the time. I don’t sleep very well and find myself at times losing patience with my baby when he cries endlessly and I go to a different room and scream into the air. My dog also didn’t take the transition to the baby well and is sad a lot of the time.

My husband is in the military and will be deploying soon. This scares the absolute crap out of me. I don’t know how I am going to cope without his help in the evenings. I don’t have family in the same country and me so will truly be alone with everything on my plate.

I feel I can’t properly express to my husband how I feel bc he is just as sad with not seeing his newborn son for months on end. So anytime I complain or voice that I’m stressed and sad, he gets upset about missing so much which I understand.

I don’t know what my question is I guess I just wanted tj vent. If anyone has been in a similar situation and can give me tips pls share!

Need somewhere to vent or I’m gonna lose it, PPA is so bad right now I thought it would die down after 6 months but everything grates on me. Partner is essentially my worst nightmare at the moment, ripped me apart for not doing enough house work and not taking care of myself or meeting his needs to his opinion of what’s necessary. Now telling me he wants me to slim down and criticising how needy the baby is and putting it down to my parenting. Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m going crazy, like I’m sure I didn’t resent him this much before but can’t tell if it’s the hormones or just him as a person. You work sure but that’s the only thing you’re willing to do atp, sat there with a mardy face on all the time and not helping then making me feel attacked and attacking me more for my reactions. ‘I’m not attracted to insecurity’ and I’m not attracted to someone who constantly makes me feel insecure do one Jesus Christ, please tell me the rage dies down because I’m at my limit

I don’t think I want my baby anymore I’m only 4 weeks and I’m having so much regret and I feel so unsupported what do I do??

I wasn’t even the one to break the news that I was pregnant to my husbands family. His stupid dad told everyone and didn’t even ask if it was ok or if we were ready for people to know yet. I mean, who does that? His mother drives me insane!! Just crazy about the baby, acts like I am completely invisible. My own mom doesn’t even act like my mom anymore, just all about my baby. Calls her “my baby” when she’s around me. I don’t receive any outside help, I am just home with my baby all day 24/7. She’s extremely fussy and has to be active all of the time. I’m exhausted listening to her scream. I don’t have time for my self unless I go on a walk and she’s moving around in a stroller. I’m so depressed and I literally have no body to talk to about it except my husband but it’s just hard for him to understand. I am a young mom I’m 21 and just feel so lonely. I am just so angry all of the freaking time. When I feel happy is on the weekends when my husband is here to help out. It’s just so easy to drown throughout the week when I am alone. I am so exhausted, I am so sad. I cannot forget how I was treated freshly postpartum. I’m truly traumatized by the lack of empathy and support towards postpartum mothers.

Started taking zoloft for the first time ever on monday and was wondering when am I going to feel the effects? Right now I’m more anxious and depressed than ever and I get nausea from time to time. No appetite either even though I’m hungry. Any positive stories?

I am lost. I’m turning 35 next month and I feel like I don’t know where I belong anymore.

I left my home country at 20 and have spent the last 15 years living in different English-speaking countries. English isn’t even my first language, yet somehow it became the language of my adult life, my identity, my comfort zone.

I actually had a good childhood. I grew up surrounded by siblings, cousins, aunties, uncles, grandparents. There was always something happening — birthdays, family gatherings, Christmases, summer holidays at the beach house. Our summers were amazing. We spent our days in the water, surrounded by people, noise, laughter, family. I know how lucky I was to grow up like that.

But at the same time, I came from a very small country where life felt limited, and by the time I turned 20, all I wanted was to leave and get as far away as possible. I started travelling, originally for one year, then extended for another. After two years abroad I went back home and immediately felt out of place, so I moved to another country. That was supposed to be temporary too, but then I moved again. Somehow temporary turned into 15 years away.

Now I’m a solo mum to a 3.5-year-old little boy. It’s just me and him. No family around, no village, no support system. His dad lives two minutes away but is busy with work and sees him about once a week.

I lost my job during Covid, got pregnant shortly after, and haven’t worked since. For the past few months I’ve been trying to find a part-time job but keep getting rejected. I expected it to be hard, but I didn’t realise how much it would affect my confidence and sense of self.

Since my son was born, I’ve gone back to my home country twice so my family could spend time with him. He’s the only grandchild and they absolutely adore him.

But going home is complicated.

After being away for so long, I feel like a stranger there now. Everything looks the same, but I’m not the same person anymore. I have a difficult relationship with my mum, and every time I stay at her house I suddenly feel like a teenager again — getting criticised for sleeping in, not making the bed, not doing enough.

What they don’t understand is that for me, going home is supposed to be a chance to breathe. To rest. To recharge after years of carrying motherhood completely alone.

And that’s the contradiction I can’t stop thinking about.

I know my son would probably have a beautiful childhood there. He would be surrounded by grandparents, cousins, aunties, uncles, kids everywhere, summer at the beach, family lunches, birthday parties, noise, life. The kind of childhood I had myself.

But at the same time, I also remember why I left.

My family can be loving, but also overwhelming. Everyone has opinions. Everyone tells you what they think you should do. Sometimes it feels suffocating. I worry that if I move back, eventually my son might feel the same way I did growing up — wanting space, freedom, distance.

Yet staying here feels lonely too.

I don’t feel at home anymore. I feel isolated. My son loves his dad and loves spending time with him, but his dad is busy and realistically can’t give him more time than he already does. So sometimes I sit there thinking… what am I staying for exactly? An extra day or two together each week?

Then summer comes here and I feel almost depressed. Meanwhile I picture the life he could have back home — spending entire summers at the beach with grandparents and cousins, always surrounded by people and activity — while here it’s often just me and him trying to figure out how to fill the days. Even when I spend time with friends, it still doesn’t feel the same.

I love my son more than anything, but I hate how stressed, angry, exhausted and alone motherhood has made me feel. I don’t think I hate motherhood itself. I think I hate doing it without support.

I do have a partner, technically. We’ve been together over a year, but we don’t live together, rarely spend nights together, barely have intimacy, and only see each other a couple times a week. It feels more like companionship than a real relationship.

Christmas makes me sad now. Every year feels lonely and empty while everyone else is surrounded by family traditions and chaos and warmth. Meanwhile I’m here, far away from everyone, wondering what exactly I’m holding onto.

My son starts school at the end of next year and I can feel the pressure building already. School holidays. Summer breaks. Sick days. Childcare. Work. How do solo parents survive this without support?

Part of me wants to go home for Christmas and never come back.

But that thought terrifies me too.

Because I know if I return home permanently, it will feel like admitting failure. Like going backwards. Like becoming trapped in a life I outgrew 15 years ago.

At the same time, I look at my son and wonder if I’m failing him by keeping him so isolated.

I feel torn between two lives and fully belong to neither.

One life gives me independence but loneliness.
The other offers support but feels like losing myself.

I don’t know what I want anymore. I just know I want peace. I want stability. I want my son to have a happy childhood. And I want to become a calmer, happier mother instead of someone who is constantly overwhelmed, angry, stressed and emotionally drained.

I feel stuck between guilt and fear, between freedom and belonging, between the life I built and the life I miss.

And honestly, I’m really lost.

Wife and I are 31 and been married 8 years and have 3.5 year old and 10 month old. Since our 10 month old, I’ve gone into a bad place. Idk what’s going on and want advice or if any other dads dealt with this because I feel like a bad dad.

We are financially sound I work 2 jobs wife stays home we have our dream house everything we need and a lot of what we want. From the outside, our family looks perfect and I look perfectly happy - but I feel like I’m dying inside. Since our girl being born 10 months ago and having a 3.5 year old, I feel like I can’t enjoy anything, I hate to say it but I don’t enjoy the season of life we are in and it panics me that everyone tells me, “enjoy this time it’s the best” and all I want is for these times to be over.

My house is total chaos, it’s constant screams, constant bribing, tantrums, late nights trying to get kids asleep. I’m over worked, burnt out, I’m tired, I’m not enjoying anything (I mean that), I snap at my kids and wife, and the worst thing is I feel hopeless because I used to love every day, love my jobs, love my life, love the weekends, and now every weekend just starts a new week of the same exact numb draining things. There’s no break in any of it ever. It’s just constant survive mode. I dont want to go out and eat with the family, I don’t want to go on vacation, I just want to sit at home because it’s just all too much of a hassle. I can’t get motivation to do anything (nobody knows this because from the outside, I look like I’m doing everything I’m supposed to and happy and healthy)

My wife and I just went through a bad spell after we had our last one 10 months ago because there was no intimacy for months and I was going week after week after week feeling like I am pouring my soul into everyone in my family for my cup to be left completely empty and dry night after night after night. I talked to my wife about the lack of intimacy and she’s working on finding that libido again, but I feel like I’ve lost the love of my life and my wife as a lover to her just being in mom mode constantly. It sounds so selfish to say. Idk how to not feel that way.

It’s been the most emptying lonely dead inside feeling for the last 10 months of my life and I’m struggling.

Please tell me im not the only one in this boat? I’m terrified I’m missing the best days of my life and I just want them to be over.

My wife doesn’t know I’m hanging by a thread. She knows I’m heavy with life and she will periodically ask me if I’m ok but I can’t burden her with this. We have 2 littles I can’t have her worrying about me too.

tw: episode?

Sitting in the car outside my apartment because sometimes just driving around is therapy.
Just sobbing, grieving my 6 month old child who is VERY MUCH ALIVE.
My husband is waiting for me inside with the baby. He’s such a good partner and father.
I sometimes in these ruts feel like I should offer him an out, he deserves so much better than this.
I feel like he got stuck with someone that’s crazy. This whole thing makes me feel crazy.
I am Feeling like I rushed the days away too much I guess.
Absolute episode.
I am getting back on meds Tuesday :) my insurance stopped covering them and wanted $800 a month. I got it resolved.
I am generally a well written person but feel like I’m going absolutely crazy.
I did text the Maternal Mental Health line :)
Do not feel any sort of ideations or anything. I’ve been struggling with insomnia and feel like a lot of this is directly caused by sleep deprivation.
Thank you for reading this mess 💕

It feels like dumb social media motherhood posts fried my brain. I constantly feel guilty for not “soaking up the moment enough” (whatever that means) and for being on my phone (even though the very content creators telling us not to ever be on our phones post on social media FROM THEIR PHONES). I realise the value in enjoying my child instead of stressing or being on my phone constantly and I do my best but it feels like what’s being pushed is unrealistic. Every day I wonder if I enjoyed my kid enough, did I do enough, did I play with him enough. It’s so dumb. Idk if it’s just me

ever since having my second baby i honestly haven’t felt like myself at all

i thought it would be easier this time because i already went through the newborn stage before but mentally it’s been so much harder on me

i feel overwhelmed all the time anxious for no reason and sometimes i just feel numb i love my kids so much but i hate feeling like this every day

did anyone else struggle more after their second baby and does it actually get better with time because right now i feel really stuck mentally

I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety my entire adult life. I knew parenting would be hard but I’m struggling a lot more than I expected. Everything that helped treat my mental health problems is now gone. Meaning good nights sleep, gym, hiking, saunas, massages, acupuncture, fun activities with friends, reading, movie nights. My baby isn’t even very challenging and is prob overall an easy baby (I’ve no other baby to compare to) but I am soooo unbelievably drained. I get no me time anymore. It feels like I’m working 24 hours a day. I don’t have much help. Babies Dad is not and will never be involved. I don’t have siblings and my parents health isn’t the best so they can’t help all that much. I can’t afford child care.

I’m totally overwhelmed, drained, depressed and feeling like this was all a big mistake. I do love my baby but god this is torture and it doesn’t feel like it’s going to get better. My old life looks so appealing right now. Sooo much easier than my new one. I know that probably sounds selfish, immature etc and I chose this and I owe it to my baby to get my shit together now and make this work I just feel so hopeless and like I’ve ruined my life taking this on when I’m clearly not mentally able for it.

Did anyone else who has really struggled with mental health feel similar post partum and manage to turn stuff around? I really wasn’t doing the best before baby either but baby seems to have completely pushed me over the edge and I can’t convince myself there’s light at the end of this very dark tunnel. My life is just all work no play and as much as I love my baby she’s driving me crazy and I now wish I didn’t have kids the majority of the time.

So I’ve been on Paxil for about 8 months for ppd and ppa. I was on 40mg for 4 months then I switched to 37.5 CR. I was on that for 3 months. After I felt better for a good time I decided to go down. I went from 37.5 to 25mg for a month then 25mg to 12mg for a month then stayed on 12.5mg for about 3 weeks then I have been off Paxil fully for 5 days. Going down doses the only withdrawal I used to get was dizziness and sweating for like a week then I felt better. But being off Paxil completely day 4 and 5 have been so hard. I’ve been having all the withdrawal symptoms from dizziness, sweating, flu like symptoms, sleep disturbances but on day 4 and 5 mood swings and anxiety has been so bad. I feel on edge. I don’t know is it’s a withdrawal symptoms or cause I’m off Paxil that my anxiety came back. My dr is telling me to go back to 12.5 today or wait 2 weeks to see if the anxiety is a withdrawal and it will go away. But if I wait 2-3 weeks then start Paxil again I would have to go through side effects again. Should I go back now to 12.5mg will that help with the withdrawal or should I wait and see? Please help