I tried therapy and it didn't feel super helpful so now I'm stuck with this feeling of absolute hopelessness. I don't think my problem is my brain chemistry. I think I'm just an awful mom who isn't used to not having to be so selfless 24/7 for years on end? And there's no fix for that other than trying to be a less garbage person? Which I'm not sure how to do?
My 19 month old wants to be with me constantly and as an introvert who needs alone time + working from home it's making me SO ANXIOUS. It just doesn't feel okay to me that I can spend all night and all day with her, paying attention to her and doing activities, and then dad comes home to give me a break and she's still pulling at me and pounding on the door if it's closed or trying to find me.
I feel like she's learning that I'm just not available to her needs all the time and I know some people would say that's normal and healthy? But it feels crappy and it makes me have less patience. I guess I'm going through my own stuff about it? My mom died when I was 7 so I definitely have stuff.
Any way to reframe this? It is just a hellish part of parenting the absolute relentlessness of it?
Lately I've had so much anxiety and guilt because I love my little 19 mo toddler so much and she's so cute and sweet but sooooo much of it is also so hard right now. Not paying attention to to her for a minute? Crying, pulling at me, squawking. Can't eat a rock? Meltdown. Can't climb on a dangerous thing? Meltdown. Look away for two seconds and she's eating rocks again. Everything is NO. Food, no, unless it involves sitting on my lap and eating one bean at a time or ruining my clothes with mess. And then not eating but being fussy because she's hungry!!! Doesn't matter if we only offer meals or snacks or what. I dread coming home from work exhausted and just wanting to have a nice time st home because it's all just so much screaming and tugging at me and demanding knives and scissors or other dangerous things that are not the toys I bought her to play with. She's not super verbal yet despite so much working on it, singing songs, reading books, little hand play songs etc
I'm scared it's going to get worse but I do not enjoy this stage. I'm a terrible mom, truly, and I know hating myself won't make it better but how am I supposed to get through this? This post notwithstanding I try to focus on the positive things, we just discovered butterfly kisses, we like to go for walks (but NOT in the carrier or the stroller or her bike so we have to carry her which is annoying). But ughhhhh ugh ugh
Owning a business while being a mom is making me a really bad parent to my 18 month old and everything we've tried so far isn't helping.
I own a farm business, on leased land. I do farmers markets so I work a minimum of one weekend day and usually 6 or 7 days a week. I'm exhausted, stressed out and just drained by my work and it makes me grumpy when I'm with my toddler.
We just started a nanny share for one 8 hour day and one 5 hour morning, and my aunt watches her one morning a week at the farm while I work and one afternoon a week for a couple hours. My husband makes dinner and does bed time but she's really attached to me so it's difficult to work at night until after she's asleep.
But for example, this morning, I'm not doing market because I just spent all week getting flowers together for two weddings, so lots of late nights plus being up all night with baby, baby refusing nap time half the time during the day, just lots of running around while being exhausted. I'm fully spent to the point of feeling sick to my stomach with tiredness. I snapped at my baby for doing normal toddler things this morning and got grumpy at my husband because I will let him sleep in on a sunday but he never does the same for me even if I have a weekend off market and we're both home on a weekend.
I just can't handle trying to do both things anymore. I'm just not cut out for owning a business while being a toddler mom and I don't know what's next for me and it's breaking my heart and filling me with despair to lose something I've worked so hard on but I hate being so grumpy with my toddler and I just can't seem to make it work. I'm sure it will be ok eventually but I'm so beyond burnt out and I can't do this anymore 💔
Lately with my 18 mo I've been feeling more out of control feelings like either numb and withdrawn, sadness and crying, or irritable and frustrated. I am scared it's only going to get worse with the chaotic toddler energy. I've always had depression since my own mom died when I was 7 and I started self harming not long after, but I have only tried medicating once after a psychiatric hold. I took Lexapro and I hated it. It made me just feel spacey and had sexual side effects that I really didn't like. I'm dealing with a lot right now trying to run a really complex business by myself, still waking up at night with my 18mo, waking up early, working late etc and I just don't feel like I can handle daily life anymore. I'm crying every day just trying to figure out meals and clothes and activities on top of everything else I manage. Is there any medication that doesn't have sexual side effects or weight gain side effects?
A friend and I have just started a nanny share for 1 eight hr day and 1 five hour day a week, but it's the second day we've tried it and the babies hate it, so much crying for mama etc.
I'm working from home today with the babies and nanny so I have been available to help. Last time, 2 weeks ago per the nanny's vacation, my friend worked at our house to be available to help, and we both are kind of freaked out by the crying, clinginess afterwards, and the difficulty of the transition.
First of all, I feel bad for the nanny! This seems like maybe too close in ages to be doable? One naps at 9:30 and is a light sleeper and the other naps at 2 but is extremely difficult to put down. One is running and the other is still mostly crawling. Is this crazy to try to ask someone to manage?
The nanny was also 2 hours late this morning so both kids were here. Which wasn't terrible but not what I was hoping to do.
I really want a nanny share to work to save money and because I have a "flexible" job that I've been cramming into late nights, weekends etc. I know a transition period is to be expected, but is this situation maybe just bad? Wrong kids to share, wrong nanny? Or just keep trying?
So 17mo was sick for the past few days and wanted a lot of milk, she's seemingly feeling better now but still refusing everything we give her to eat.
This is a problem because she's been on Mira lax for 3 months per pediatrician and we're trying to get her off of it, she's on a really low dose now but with a largely milk diet her poops are weird rabbit pellet things and I'm getting worried again (before Mira lax she had several poops where I wanted to call an ambulance it was that bad, 30 min of hysterical straining crying in pain).
I got her to eat a few bites of yogurt with chia seeds and blueberries while she was sitting on my lap so I'm slightly less freaked out then I was but ITS SO FRUSTRATING and worrying.
She's always been super hard to feed, she'll eat anything if she's in the mood, broccoli, sardines, beef, etc so it's not like other "picky eaters" I read about, but when she's not in the mood she won't eat ANYTHING and then whines and cries for milk, I have a hard time being chill about it because of the awful poops....
Any help :( pediatrician hasn't been a ton of help. Wasn't concerned about a milk allergy or anything
"Holiday weekend" just means that I get to work all weekend since it's the only time I will have childcare this week, partly because my aunt who watches my daughter for two afternoons is going out of town. I'm so tired, husband never cleans the house when he has our daughter, everything is overwhelming, I've already worked every day for weeks in addition to getting awful sleep but this is just life as a working mom, it sucks
I love my sweet daughter and try to spend as much time loving and laughing with her and being the best mom I can be to her but I hate being a mom and wish I had chosen differently.
It's Sunday morning and I worked the farmers market yesterday for my business, was up all night last night with her and now when I'm trying to lie down at 8am she's banging on the door and crying for me.
I have to spend the whole rest of the day renting a truck to buy a used play structure and then working on my farm because it's the only time I can get things done to keep my business alive. Same with tomorrow, working all day since it's the only day I'll have child care that week. There's no time for having fun or getting non important things done. It feels important to have a play structure at the farm because my daughter comes with me to work a lot.
I have to figure out everything all the time on top of the mental load of being a business owner and it really sucks. Our house and yard are an absolute mess. Every space we inhabit is just a disgusting chaos mess.
I realized my relationship with my husband is deeply unfulfilling on so many levels. He's smart, funny, mostly a good dad where it counts and we share common interests and values, but he's not a supportive partner, I'm attracted to him less after feeling so alone as a mom, the sex isn't good, and we can't talk about feelings or conflict without it turning into him having an epic, throwing things meltdown. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him but now that we have a kid it's super hard to untangle.
I want to not be here all the time. I'm struggling so hard and can't talk about it with anyone because it's just too real. I hate my business, I hate myself for getting into this mess and bringing a baby into it and I don't know what to do. I never feel any positive emotions anymore, just stress and loneliness.
I know it's only going to get worse but by 4:30 I'm mentally and physically done. The house is FERAL. Dishes, trash, encrusted food. And then I have to do a few more hours of work for my business while my husband half watches the baby half looks at his phone???? I've lost 10 lbs in a month just from stress, I never shower, if I have time away from my kid I just procrastinate my work by bed rotting. My marriage is on the rocks, my husband can't take a single suggestion like please walk the dog without flipping out. 6 hours of sleep is a good night. I feel like the worst mom ever because even though I try to hide my despair and rally, I dread coming home after being away working for an hour or two. None of my fantasies involve fun family time, if I can't fall asleep I imagine going shopping and drinking in the city by myself. I'm dreading mothers day and every day of my life.