r/workingmoms

I made the joke to my husband the other day about how divorce and 50/50 custody was looking pretty good just so I’d get a solid three days to myself and he was appalled.

To me, that just fell in line with the kind of jokes I’ve often heard other working moms say about getting eye surgery and relishing lying in the dark recovering for two days, or having a new baby and how the 2 day hospital stay after would be a bit of a break from the other kids, or getting a gum graft and spending a couple days on the couch, not working, not talking, binging a new show.

Tell me: am I (and my friends) in the minority with these kinds of jokes? Or are they normal but only told in female company, thus my husband’s complete shock? And if so, what does that say about us (moms) versus them (dads)? Do they have an equivalent joke about getting a break?

I'm talking about the entitlement. I have been trying to just demand what I need without feeling guilty or constantly questioning whether I've "earned" it, when it comes to taking care of myself while being a working wife and mom. And yet I consistently fall short of the complete lack of concern that my husband has when centering his own needs. The way he feels okay to just wander off when we're with the kids and start doing whatever he wants without saying anything, the way thinks staying up until 1am to do whatever he wants means he should get to sleep in while I get up with the kids every single day, the way I ask him if he wants to shower first and he says yes but then just doesn't go and shower for 10+ minutes (???) and then acts annoyed when I say okay then I'm going to go shower.

It's been a long week of my oldest being home before camp starts, and I'm just increasingly baffled and the total lack of awareness for how self centered his behavior is.

This is more vent than anything, but I know this is not uncommon man behavior and I am wondering how others have countered it.

(Do not suggest divorce. I know it's really hard to be a redditor and not just assume someone else's relationship is pointless with almost no information, but like....just don't)

Not exactly working mom, but city mom.

So I was riding the train today with my tween kids. My son and I had some packages and we were lagging behind my daughter. She stepped on the train without noting how far behind we were and the doors closed as we were hustling on to the train. We were only one stop up from home, so I pointed the way home and did the closed fist “halt” sign.

She knows to get out at the next station if we get separated. She knows to stay in place if she feels comfortable, or to go to the fare gate and call me from the stationmaster phone (she has a phone but the station master can tell me their location) and wait with the station master.

Some lady at the on the train got out with her and tried to drag her onto a train headed back in the opposite direction to come meet me at the station where we got separated. I showed up as my daughter was telling a station employee that she wants to be taken to the stationmaster to call her mom.

I get there and this woman starts screaming at me. I’m a bad, neglectful, mom. My kid is ungrateful. I’m ungrateful. I’m a horrible bitch and my kids should be taken by predators. She left when the station employee called transit police. But then was waiting outside with her husband. I took the kids and ran to the car where my husband was waiting.

I’m going to call back and file an actual police report, then I’m having friends over for drinks. What the fuck are these people. My husband called off his trial prep session to stay home because we’re all so upset.

I works 5 days a week, husband works 20 hours and watches toddler 3 days a week, 2 days at nanny’s house. we both WFH. I’ve been doing bedtime and wake ups for the majority of her life. The times I’ve asked husband to do these is usually met with a glare or sigh. A few nights ago I said “I can’t do bedtime and mornings 7 days a week”. We didn’t talk much that day, the next day he did the morning and bedtime. the next morning he went to take our daughter but I said I wanted to spend the morning with her. We got into an argument, and I said I poorly communicated my needs, I don’t mean everyday. I just need a day to break up the routine because it’s hard to ask. we got into an argument. I am struggling to figure out if my request was in the wrong. I usually enjoy doing both but there are times that it can get hard, but asking him to help is harder so I thought I could ask for a schedule. His response was “I am tired of your complaining that I figure I can do all bedtime and mornings because it’s not that hard”. Need some insights from other working moms

Does anyone have any ideas to fight the blues while working? I am really struggling this summer, I feel like I have the opposite of SAD in the winter lol. I work every other weekend which in the summer feels the cruelest. When it’s school time, life is just busy and I am more accepting of the chaos. I’m so unproductive and unmotivated.

Just looking for some advice or support!

Outside sales rep, been at my company for like a decade. Make about $200k. Requires road travel, but home office and I make my own schedule.

The issue is my new boss causes me so much anxiety by micromanaging. We have a long sales cycle, so with my old boss, it was like slow and steady.

Now my new boss is all about activity reports and has brought up 4x that I don’t travel enough. Even though, I’ve been successful at this job for many years.

I can’t control my Sunday scaries or anxiety about him having malicious motives with me because he’s blindsided me before with expectations that have never been on the table before.

I just feel like I need to ride out this job until I get fired, but I’m so anxious.

Working moms with a male partner who has ADHD (medicated or unmedicated), have you successfully found a way to split up labor for the kids and the house without having to constantly remind your spouse what to do?

My husband is okay with our daughter but I constantly have to ask or remind him to do things. He also doesn’t take initiative to play with her and does a lot of phone scrolling right in front of her. I’m starting to reach a point of mental burn out as I feel I’m our house manager and primary parent. He definitely isn’t as bad as some husband posts I’ve seen and I think if I made a list to assign him chores with specific dates? He could probably stick to it without much prompting. But my fear of doing that is he will refuse to do anything outside of his list (he’s made this argument before).

Have you found motivational tactics or schedules that help you feel less like a manager and more like a partner?

So you could avoid pumping and get to breastfeed and be with your kid a little during the day? What did you choose?

And how about as they got older? Switched to daycare to save $$, more socialization for the kid, not needing to breastfeed anymore, etc? Thanks!

We've had a hell of a time this year with illnesses since it was my son's first year in preschool. I made the wise decision to take on a new role at work right as he started not knowing what I was in for. He has missed probably a good third of the school year and I've been losing my mind trying to balance everything.

Now that it's summer, things have gotten a bit better, but school is out. So I have made weekly plans for how to handle childcare plus work until he goes back. I sought out several schools and camps and paid a sum I can't even bring myself to look at in my bank account. But okay, it's sorted, right?

Well, this week he is supposed to start at a language camp. And the first day happens to fall on a public holiday in my country. So I've been looking forward to finally having an opportunity to spend a day with my husband as just a couple.

Nope. 39 degree fever (that's like, 100 F). Coughing, sneezing. Unlikely to improve by tomorrow based on experience.

I'm just pulling my hair out because it feels like I can't win no matter what I do! I can't catch a break EVER and nothing I plan or organize for mine or my son's benefit ever works out. It makes me want to give up, honestly. Quit my job, just dedicate my entire life to his weekly colds so that at least I'm not disappointing people.

My 16 week old is still really struggling with bottles. We have been through every kind (Nuk, Nuk natural, Phillips Avent, Como Tomo, Tomee Tippee, Dr Browns, Lansinoh, Pigeon, Mam, Boon) and right now he is regularly taking 1/2 ounce from this random off brand nipple we had left over from when my first went through the same thing. He will occasionally take 1 oz but it’s rare!

We’ve tried giving a bottle in different places, mom out of the house, dad and family giving it, distractions, different times of day (we did learn morning is definitely the best time), different temps, different kinds of milk, even formula.

Right now, we are working with an OT/IBCLC and giving 1/2 ounce 3 times a day + doing some exercises to help encourage him to take one. I go back to work the first week of August and I’m so stressed. It feels like we have barely made any progress in 16 weeks, we’ve poured so much time and money into this, and I wish I could just give up and not even do bottles but I have to go back to work.

I know a lot can change in the next month but for my own stress, I need to know what it might look like if it doesn’t change. I just need reassurance it will be okay even if it doesn’t work out and he never takes one.

If your child never took one, what did you do? How do you make that work when they’re in daycare for 8 hours? I will likely not be able to leave and feed him on my lunch (30 minute lunch, daycare is 15 minutes away) unless my admin is able to provide me some coverage which is unlikely (teacher).

Also, anyone have a baby that was the same and did eventually take one? We are seeing a pediatric dentist soon about revising his tongue tie, but I’m nervous it may not even make a difference.

Hi fellow moms
I am resuming work after a 1.5 year motherhood pause. During this time I have spent every day with my son who is just about to turn 4.

I am signing up for 6 hours of work every day. It is a partnerships consultant role with a consulting company. I am anxious about managing work (work calls sometimes fall outside work hours) and motherhood. My husband is a media entrepreneur who is largely consumed by the demands of his teething company.

There’s no school until August and we recently moved to a big city so still building my community here. I have signed up my kid for 2 hour summer camps this month.

I am looking for tips on

1. activities that promote independent play. He’s currently obsessed with being a cop so I engage him with role playing and finding clues
2. how have parents with limited village managed to engage your kid + productively deliver at work?
3. what strategies have you employed at your work to navigate unexpected challenges (sickness)

Thank you!

This is possibly the lowest stakes thing to be pissed about, but I'm over here trying to cool down before my husband wakes up and we have the same conversation for a fourth time.

I started a new job at the beginning of June. The hours will be a little more flexible with some WFH days after I'm fully trained, but in the beginning phases I'm out of the house 11 hours per day (long commute, plus drop off and pickup of our newly 5yo). Since my husband works four days per week, he started grocery shopping on Fridays.

Before this, I did all the grocery shopping so I knew there would be some hiccups, wrong items, etc. We have a grocery list in a shared Google sheet, and I curated it for him so everything was in order of the store and tried to be specific about the brands and details that I find important. One line of the list said, "Red Bird Farms Frozen chicken breasts, 2 bags."

On his first journey, he came proudly home with two refrigerated packs of chicken breasts from that brand. I thanked him, explained that it was logistically very important to me to have the frozen bags because the breasts are individually packed etc (I do all the cooking and I prefer it that way). So for his second journey, I wrote the same thing and thought we were good. That time, he came home with one pack of Perdue chicken tenders (?). I got a little mad that he seemed to have completely forgotten the conversation we had one week prior, so I explained it again (not as nicely as the first time).

For round three, I included explicit directions to the frozen chicken area. I showed him what the bag looks like. He came home with a single pack of the refrigerated chicken breasts. Again. I asked him, what do I need to put on the list to get frozen chicken breasts? And he was just like, oh, sorry.

Reader, I just opened the fridge from yesterday's shopping and I see TWO PACKS OF REFRIGERATED BREASTS AGAIN. What in the actual fuck. The same very clear "Red Bird Farms Frozen chicken breasts, 2 bags" was on the list again.

It is not difficult to find. He has shown that he is willing to ask store employees to help him find other items. He has made corrections with other grocery mis-buys (though the romaine lettuce fiasco took three tries even though I explained twice that yes, I'm sure the label above the iceberg says hearts of romaine. The label goes on the shelf below the item). I really don't think this is weaponized incompetence because I never asked him to do the shopping, he just decided to do it even when I told him don't worry I can just do it Saturday. He's also started splitting dropoffs with me.

He's not a stupid person. Is this his ADHD showing? How on earth can I explain to him a fourth time without losing my shit?

My husband and I both work from home, and until now we had been managing to keep our toddler at home with us without daycare. Then, very suddenly, my husband had to leave the country because his father was in the hospital. That left me alone, with no daycare lined up and an important work deadline coming up in a week.

Since Wednesday, I’ve only been able to get about four hours of actual work done, and I’ve had a few emotional meltdowns because I simply can’t manage both full-time childcare and work on my own. Thankfully, on Friday I finally found a daycare that can take him for four hours a day starting Monday, so at least I’ll have some dedicated time to work.

I’m just really overwhelmed and could use some encouragement. I’ve been a mess

I’ll be returning back to work full time starting September. I’ve stayed home with my daughter up until now.

Would it be best to get her to start August 1st so she has that whole month to get used to daycare before I start working again?

I mean like daycare has a lot of germs so I’d be expecting her to get sick a lot more than normally until her immune system gets better.

I’ll be working from home but I know I can’t work with her home with me for 8 hours every day. And my mom can watch her when she’s sick and can’t return to daycare until she’s better, my mom just can’t be her 24/7 caregiver nor would I ask my mom of that as she currently has my niece and nephew under her care until further notice but they’re both school aged kids so less of a load for her.

But I digress..

Should I start her 1 month earlier than me returning to work?

Hi all,

My son is 2.5 months and I’ll be returning to work when he is 4.5 months. I work from home full time and have a demanding job with a ton of meetings. I routinely worked 9-10+ hour days prior to ML, and when I return I am committed to ONLY working 8 hours a day though unsure how I’ll get everything done. My husband currently works from home 2x a week, but goes up to the rooftop lounge in our building to WFH. Given my many meetings and field of work, I have to work from our condo to ensure privacy.

We live in a 2 bedroom condo. One room is our primary and the other is now the nursery (was my office). I am thinking of putting a small desk in our primary as I need monitors etc.

I give all of the info to paint the picture of what WFH looks like. I’ve been weighing the pros and cons of nanny vs daycare since I was pregnant. Both options have pros and cons. We toured a few daycares and met a few nannies so far. Unexpectedly, one if the daycares in our neighborhood closed last week so we ended up putting down a deposit at another to have a spot. The daycare is a 12 min walk. However, ever since I did that I keep second guessing daycare. This choice feels impossible. I’m looking for honest opinions on what to do given our set up.

We can afford a nanny, but it would basically mean we would barely be saving each month. We’ve been saving aggressively for a while to sell our condo and purchase a bigger home in the next 1-2 years. Additionally, WFH with a nanny may be hard for me as I’m in meetings and need to focus.

On the other hand, taking him to daycare at such a young age makes me a bit sad. I just feel like he won’t get enough 1:1 attention. The daycare has great reviews and is Spanish immersion.

I just can’t seem to make a decision. Appreciate any insight or feedback!

My husband and I currently are expecting our third and live outside the US in a HCOL city close to my parents. His parents are in their 70's and 80's and he's an only child so he wants to move back to a HCOL US city on the west coast to be able to help them.

Has anyone moved to help elderly parents/in-laws? How has it gone?

I'm anxious because my MIL and I historically have not gotten along. I've never met anyone like her. She comes off new age and free spirited but is actually one of the most difficult and judgemental people I've met. She says anything she thinks and is very hard to please.

I know going there is the right thing to do, they can't move to the country we're in because of their age. But I just lie awake at night wondering if I'm going to be miserable and resentful with less family help, less social help, and arguably more on my plate with 3 kids, helping them, and trying to figure out my mother in law.

Would love to hear from anyone who's been in a similar boat!

Just editing to add that right now my in laws are self sufficient, my FIL has cognitive decline and my MIL has physical ailments but together they make a fully functional person.

For context, I no longer pump, but I’m a boss with an employee who does and I want better for her.

When I had my baby, my job (specifically the female HR administrator that deals with all things baby leave/etc) basically told me to try and book the conference room if I needed to pump. Well, many people have keys to the conf room, and it’s always booked for meetings, so I wasn’t comfortable using it.

I only have an open cubicle, so I tried to advocate for myself and they erected a small cubical inside of a closet on the floor below my office area. It had a fridge, a chair, and a small side table. Problem was that though the cubical had a door, it wasn’t ceiling height, so people kept peeking into it wondering why there was a cubicle in the lab coat closet, which had a ton of traffic. I searched some laws, and found that areas provided to pump had to be a certain height, brought that back to the company, and they had to bring it to the ceiling.

Now, I don’t want to sound unappreciative, but having to come there every 2-3 hours (the time my baby was feeding at the time) and pump, plus cleaning the parts, plus the travel time, and lugging all my stuff back and forth. (There was no sink so I’d also have to go to the cafeteria if I wanted to wash anything, but tried to just use wipes.) Well, you can imagine it took so much time from my work day, and the constant disruptions impacted my work.

It wasn’t long before I just stopped going to the room bc it was so far. I ended up (when my boss was in meetings or not in office) used her office to pump which at the time was near my desk, or pump in my car. Eventually, I started pumping less bc of the disruption it made to my work which lowered my supply and I had to combo feed. It sucked, but I was the only one pumping, they technically were adhering to the laws, so I just let it go.

My boss ended up moving her office downstairs next to this pumping room, and then after having her 2nd baby, attempted to use it, but found the same issues I did, even though the room was on the opposite wall of her office. She eventually just pumped in her office and kept the door locked when doing so, and that worked for her.

Welp, my employee just came back to work, and facilities gave her access to the “pump room” (really just a closet in a closet) upon request. Luckily, they’ve moved the lab coats so there’s not as much traffic, but had similar issues I did. So she started pumping at her desk (with the ones that go in your bra) by like day 3 back at work. She told me about it, and I asked her if there was anything I could do, maybe I could talk to HR/Facilities if she could use an office upstairs, or if they could just close off her cubical. She agreed to the closing off her cube, and so I asked if that would be possible. Welp, HR told her it doesn’t meet the requirements, so she’s not allowed to pump AT ALL at her desk, or in any office even if it’s not in use, and she HAS to use the “pump room”. She was so upset, and I feel like I made things worse, bc now she can’t even use her (in bra) pump at her desk.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried to go back to HR and they just say it “doesn’t meet the requirements”. (Assuming they mean fridge access and height of space.)

I’ve felt so terrible about this. I offered to my employee (who was already working hybrid schedule) to just work from home entirely if she wanted, whatever she needed to support her and her baby. I also, out of my own pocket, went and bought a portable bottle/pump part dishwasher/sterilizer/dryer and a separate drying rack since there’s no sink access in that room. I also got a bunch of other things to make it better/more comfortable: ice packs, breast milk bags, labels, storage containers, pump/bottle wipes, a rolling cart/desk and attachment for cup/bottle holder, pump chargers for two different pumps. I figured if anyone else has a baby, they could use all this stuff too.

Since I know she uses a spectra, I’m going to bring in mine (I can go online and get some replacement parts for her) and just leave that one in the pump room. This way she never has to worry about lugging hers back and forth to work. And again, if anyone else has a baby and ends up pumping and needs to use it, they could just plug in their own parts.

I just feel bad for making the situation worse. And I know other people have it worse, and it wasn’t a terrible situation, but I just didn’t want her to end up how I did. I just need a sanity check. Was the request unreasonable? Should I be more thankful of the space provided? Did I mess everything up for my employee?

Edit: I forgot to also mention that the only other person that was pregnant recently before me, was in a different building. She was told the same thing about using a conf room, but the only conf room in her building had one wall of window, barely covering by some flimsy blinds, so she ended up just pumping in her car. And within a short period, stopped pumping all together for the same reasons regarding it being a disruption to have to constantly go to her car.

I just started new job after more than 5 years being SAHM working 20-40 a month for another company I want and kinda need keep working for. New job was dreamy ish on paper, something i hoped for to reach in two/three years. I knew it would be a challenge but boy I didn´t expect so many responsibilities to be transfered to me very first day. Dont get me wrong, I´m gratefull, I´ll do my best, but I was so overhelmed and stressed after one day I nearly puked and I seriously consider quitting.

Sadly, my maternity leave is over and I’m going back to work on Monday. I posted in here previously about my anxiety regarding the best available daycare in the area having a 6:1 ratio, and after reading some of the comments, I decided to hire a nanny instead. She will be with us 3 days a week and I’m hoping my husband will be able to stay home the other two days per week while I work. If not, I’ll sell stuff or do whatever I can to pay for five days per week until my baby is a little older.

But I’m still running into the problem where my 12 week old baby only settles for me. She cries bloody murder with dad, and she’s going to do the same for the nanny. How do I get her used to me suddenly being gone all day? How can we help her learn that other people are safe and how to be soothed by others? :( I am still so afraid I’m going to give her abandonment issues. This is on top of the anxiety I already have about the fact that despite us background checking the nanny she is still a complete stranger to me and i just have so much fear about leaving my daughter with a stranger. But at the end of the day I really want to make this transition as easy as possible for her :(

I was reading a post from another group I follow. The post centered on maintaining friendships once women become mothers. The majority of comments are like “just stop talking to them, you’ll never see them again once they’re a mom”. There was lots of “they make motherhood their entire personality” and once I see that foolishness I’m out. The comments were so disappointing especially from a group that seems to be fairly progressive.

I’m over here as a mom with multiple kids, with a professional identity and personal interests. My friendships have been solid throughout. And I have close friends who do not have kids and we hang out/get along great.

If your friends ditch you after they have kids, maybe the friendship wasn’t that strong to begin with or it was time to move on.

It’s just so bizarre to see the hate women get when they become a mom.