r/workingmoms

I'm reading the book Yesteryear (not done yet, no spoilers please!) and I think it's broken something inside of my brain. I'm crying at parts I don't think I'm actually supposed to be crying at, sympathizing with characters I'm not sure I'm supposed to sympathizing with, and truly wondering what the overarching message is supposed to be (again, I'm not done reading yet).

I was raised by a stay-at-home mom who married "well" but she had zero control over the finances, had a checked-out/hands off husband, and was very miserable. I chose the complete opposite path. Law school, to a law firm, to a "cushy" (but lower paying) in house job. I married an entrepreneur who works hard but is frequently unable to take on a fair share of the domestic obligations, and if I'm being completely honest does not make as much money as Id like.

I don't know that I'm any happier than she is. I don't think I have access to more money than she did. And I feel like I'm doing way more than she ever did having to manage my household AND job.

I question the path that I would encourage my daughter to take...maybe ultimately any path in life you take has its pros/cons...and it's just a "choose your hard" type of thing.

VENT about Maycember and working moms!

I started a new job (from salaried, no hourly billing) to billing hours. This was a part of a move that depends on my salary (2/3 of our income) to pay for our HCOL mortgage (with good public schools). Also better job for my mental health.

We tried to switch some mental load tasks to my husband, who is diagnosed as severely ADHD (like 90th percentile) because of the hourly billing requirement. (Note that he is getting therapy and is medicated). I thought it would be okay since he says he’s bored at his new job. I was also spoon feeding him the tasks. Anyway, it did not work out. I was mad at everything he missed (ie: establishing care for our kids at doctor, he said it was scheduled 2 months out and it was not - unbeknownst to me). He was taking out his overwhelm on everyone and it was miserable.

I took most of the mental load back to repair things. It’s been mostly fine, but Maycemebr has kicked my ass. This week, I have to TELL him I that there is a conference, I signed up for it, and it’s at 8:30 in the morning. It’s on the shared calendar he doesn’t check. And the sign up is on a shared Google document the whole class can see. Or today I told him, remember I’m wfh for the class party. He’s like, oh yeah class party.

Mostly a vent - If I miss something, I have no backup! I am so paranoid. I don’t have a friend backup like I used to! So either I am work extra hours or working at night to makeup the time.

And yes, I’m letting nonessentials go, and I’m giving him all the physical labor tasks, but I still feel like Atlas for this family.

I am a STM and 6 weeks post partum. For my first I had quite an oversupply and had to triple feed so my body kept it up before going back to work and after.

This time I am worried my supply is dropping to meet his needs and I’m scared I won’t be able to get it back up when I’m back to work, mostly pumping, and my body isn’t accounting for what he needs because I’m not nursing much.

Any success with keeping supply up when back to work? Is this a ridiculous fear or something realistic?

My husband is a stay at home dad who is very engaged and crazy about our 10 month old. We have our daughter on a schedule and he follows it to the letter. The issue is I work from home 2 days a week and I feel as though he’s expecting 50/50 parenting effort when I’m not actively in a meeting or hands on working a task. I am lucky to have a very laid back high level job and am able to schedule most of my actual work during my in office days and simply have my phone on me ready to respond on wfh days.

We are fortunate that our daughter takes long consistent naps but it’s as though he’s allergic to being productive while she’s sleeping. He fills that time with YouTube and endless scrolling then pops up when she wakes up and suddenly needs to take a shower or run an errand. This happens at least twice a week. He even suggested once I should take meetings where I don’t have to talk much on my phone while caring for her.

I do want to mention that if I have a rare serious meeting or task on a wfh day he will take her without complaint. It’s just that day to day I feel like I get the side eye for wanting a break for myself when I’m not actively working. I told him at one point as a stay at home parent he shouldn’t count on my availability and needs to manage his time like I’m not there. He got upset and accused me of not wanting to spend time with our daughter and I’m implying caring for her is a burden.

At this point going to the office is almost less stressful, I get time on my commute to listen to my audiobooks plus coffee and lunch breaks to just zone out and relax fully. At home I’m constantly pivoting between childcare and checking emails/Teams.

My husband and I have a 5 and 2 year old and no family. It’s just us. Because of this, we have tried to invest time and energy in a chosen “family” I get up for my 5-7, go to work a high level job from 8-4, then come back home for my 5-9. This leaves little time for socializing. But, I try to invest in our village and be a village to others (show up, host, check in, etc).

It’s really tough some days but to make matters worse, I saw on social media close friends who also have kids who are similar ages, had a joint birthday party for their kids and we were… not invited. I understand that non-parent friends might pull back in this season but close friends with similarly aged kids? Who we thought were a part of our village? To say it was hurtful is an understatement. I feel gutted.

I've been a career woman all my adult life and am always driven to work to get promoted, get new job offer, etc. But after having a baby, I felt so unmotivated to work. Did that happen to you? Will that change? I feel like I am so okay now taking care of my baby while working. But doing both is so exhausting 😞 I have a very supportive and helpful partner but breastfeeding + taking care of baby + working full time is just too much. How did you handle it?

I genuinely can’t tell anymore if I’m depressed or if my life is just objectively overwhelming, so I wanted outside perspective from other adults/parents/workers.

I’m 26, married, and have a toddler. I work full time in retail with all closing shifts (2:30-11pm) My schedule is 40 hours a week, but the part that’s killing me is the commute/logistics. Because of childcare arrangements with family, I spend about 10-15 extra unpaid hours a week driving and coordinating drop offs/pickups. My husband and I live 45 minutes away from any job we could possibly get (we live in a remote area in a national forest) and we carpool into town for work together with our son.

So from 12pm-1:30 every day, we’re all showering and getting ready for work (including getting my son bathed, clothed, teeth brushed etc) which is a lot of rushing around.
1:30-2:15pm we commute to my husbands job, and I drop my husband and son off at my husbands job. My in laws work at the same place as my husband so when they get off of work they take my son home with them (also 45 minutes away in the forest!)
2:15-2:30 I commute from my husbands job to my own job, in peak traffic
2:30-11pm I work an evening shift in produce at a grocery store
11-11:15pm I have to rush back to my husbands job, and get him in the car as soon as possible and rush him out of work because his dad, my FIL, stays up waiting for us to come pick up our kid in the middle of the night from their house because they have to work in the morning.
11:15-12:30am is a 45 minute commute home, going to my in laws house, waking up my son, driving back home, fighting to get him to actually go back to bed and do a whole second bedtime routine.
Then FINALLY, around 12:30pm every night, my husband and I can finally eat our dinner and sit and watch an episode of tv.
We typically sleep from 2am-8am and wake up to the sound of my son screaming.
Most work days end up taking basically my entire day. I’m paid for 8 hours, but the extra daily ritual that comes with getting to and from work and getting childcare adds another 3-4 hours of unpaid work daily.

On top of that:
- we’re dealing with debt and financial stress
- I’m trying to help run a small environmental education nonprofit/passion project on the side
- I’m trying to improve my health/lose weight
- trying to maintain my marriage/family relationships
- having small tit-for-tat arguments with my in laws often about running the nonprofit, often while I’m at work because they’re at home texting me. Or just general pressure about work needing to get done by my FIL.
- trying to eventually go back to school
- trying to keep up with house responsibilities and parenting

Lately I feel exhausted literally all the time. I’ve lost interest in a lot of things, I feel emotionally numb/irritable, my concentration sucks, I want to sleep constantly, and even minor tasks feel overwhelming. I’ve also started isolating more because I feel like I have nothing left to give anyone.

At the same time, part of me feels guilty for struggling because technically I’m “functioning.” I still go to work, take care of my son, pay bills, etc.

I guess I’m asking:
Does this sound like a normal level of exhaustion for this stage of life, or does this sound more like depression/burnout?

I honestly can’t tell anymore what’s considered “average hard” versus “this is too much for one person.”

I would like to know if anyone else has gone through this and what the outcome has been. For starters, my job has a lactation room. It has a door. The door has a lock, however, the lock is disabled. Inside of the room has two stalls, only covered by curtains. Back in February, a cleaning person opened the curtain on me while pumping. I had immediately opened a case with HR about this and no changes have been made. I still work around the cleaning lady and it makes me very uncomfortable still. Shortly after this incident, I had taken a psychiatrist approved mental health leave of absence. I have proof of my documented case and video/photo of the current room set up, and showing the lock is disabled. I have been trying to find an attorney to help with this but I have so far received 3 no’s. One was fully reviewed but they claim they just don’t have the time my case deserves, but acknowledged that I have faced unfair work practices. Another one was straight up “it’s not worth it”. The third, was just a simple decline. I truly feel like I have a strong case but so far nobody has wanted to help me :(

EDIT: I work at a trillion dollar company, which I feel like is my biggest obstacle.

I’m so fucking fed up

38f
4 kids 15, 7,9 and 3

I work full time in an office job. Very corporate boring lots of politics. My husband works in construction.

He’s miserable at work and I get it, his job is hard. But he acts like I don’t work. I get treated like I’m a sahm but I still work 40 hrs a week. I still have deadlines, managers, people at work complaning to me that they are under pressure. Meanwhile I’m about to explode. Still expected to make it in the office. Still do sports drop offs, morning club, after school, day care drop offs. Still do bday parties, house cleaning, laundry, dinner, lunches, breakfasts. At the end of the day I do showers, bed time, get up with the three year old when she doesn’t want to sleep, manage temper tantrums. Get up at 7 am to do it all again.

My husband is not the worst. He does a lot. He does laundry. He sometimes does the pick ups and drop offs. But it’s 70-80% me. He never does bed time or showers.

I can’t complain because his job is harder than mine. His back hurts, my mind hurts. All day I worry about staff and worry about customers. Worry about managers, deadlines, KPIs.

I barely go out with friends, maybe once a month. I try and get to the gym three or 4 times a week. I drink wine maybe twice a week. I try and try and try but IM SO FED UP. How is this life. I love my kids, I want to be a good worker. But why is it so fucking hard. Where is my village

Husband decided we need fewer clothing for the kids. 5 long sleeve 5 short sleeve 5 collared. 4 pants 4 shorts. So we're trying it. I hate it. They're just going to be wearing stained shrunken clothes and we'll be buying things last minute.

Our starting inventory was probably 20 long sleeve 30 short sleeve. 10 pants 10 shorts. We have 4 kids. We have a plethora of outdoor clothes for nature school. We've moved 6 times in the last 7 years so there's some 'sick of stuff' feelings. We're in 2800 sq ft but the kids' rooms/dressers are tiny.

I had a job I really enjoyed that felt stable and like somewhere I could grow. And then I got laid off, completely blindsided. (I work in comms/marketing, mid-senior level, IC.) I am now currently looking for work, but my husband and I want to try and get pregnant starting this Fall.

I want to continue to grow my career and become more senior. I’m not where I wanted to be “on the ladder” right now and I know starting a new role it takes a bit to get acclimated and build towards more seniority.

But I also want to be a mom very badly. I feel stuck in the “can I have it all” question. :( I want a baby AND a job that I enjoy & that I feel proud of.

The job market is fucked right now so I am job hunting aggressively, I do not want to be unemployed longer than I need to be. But I also don’t want a role where I regret the intensity of it when I do decide to have a baby. I also have no idea if I’ll be able to get pregnant easily, or what my new job will be, or how I’ll feel when I become a mom! Fwiw I live in a very HCOL area and a single income does not feel like an option.

Tl;dr I got laid off, need a new job, but want to have a baby soon and feeling incredibly overwhelmed with what decisions to make. :(

How are we handling teething and working? My daughter is 10 months old and is teething and I’ve been home with her for almost 2 weeks. Thankfully I can work from home when I need to but we’re at 3 teeth and a long way from being done. This past time she had a low grade fever and did not want to be put down for anything. She regularly goes to MDO and my fiancés grandmothers. I kept her home with me because I did not want to have anyone else deal with her, I felt bad. Are we taking time off every time teeth are coming? Are we just sending them off and letting others deal with them while you work?

Do you ever question if you are a good mom?
I have two toddlers and my one friend just had a baby. I saw she posted in a support group about tongue ties to see if she could get her newborn clipped for feeding purposes.

My son had a tongue ties when he was a newborn and we tried the whole breastfeeding but honestly it did not work out and he was not doing well with eating. We ending up switching to formula and it was just a traumatic time for me after a very traumatic birth that I didn’t have time to research about toungue ties. I guess I feel like a bad mom for not looking into it more so my breastfeeding journey could continue. It was just really tough and kind of embarrassing that I didn’t push through I guess.

This weekend I was over a friends house and we have toddlers almost the same age. My baby is bottle fed and she is still on the bottle because it comforts her. My son was around the same age when we got rid of the bottle (15 months) and honestly I’m holding on a tad longer until my toddlers dentist appointment. I could feel her eyes on me probably wondering what time doing. I did it for my son because it comforted him and they both do not take pacifiers. He stopped at 15 months so a little over a year and was fine……

I guess small things like this really get to me. Overall, my kids are happy, cared for, and loved beyond measure but I still let these comparisons get to me.

I guess I’m just venting now

My teams manager position is being posted for competition when I am returning to work from mat leave. I have a good chance at getting it and it’s something I previously wanted. I’m planning on trying for a second baby, hoping to go on mat leave again within 6-12 months of returning.

I am feeling very mixed feelings and would love to hear other people’s experiences/thoughts.

- I’m not sure I want more responsibility/stress while also starting my family.

- I’m not sure if I want to be a people manager instead of an independent contributor. I like doing “the work” that we do and I’m not sure if I’ll actually enjoy coaching and stake holder management aspects of the job.

- I’m partly worried I only wanted this role because of ego and fear of rejection. My biggest competition is someone who I trained after me. I worry I am second guessing applying because I’m actually just afraid of the shame/embarrassment I’ll feel if I don’t get it?

I know you can’t answer these questions for me but I’m wondering if any of you have felt this way and what you did.

We’re doing okay financially but the 10k pay bump would be valuable once we have 2 in daycare. The opportunity for pay raise or promotion may not happen again for a long time as there is no level above me that isn’t this management position (or higher).

Thank you!

The job market is terrible, AI is taking jobs, and my company is one of many that has experienced mass layoffs. So far I’ve been safe.

I have worked for my company for 10 years, am fully remote, and make decent money for my field. Sometimes I look at other job postings and come to the harsh realization that if I ever lose my job I will likely have to take an in-person job for less pay. That’s if I can even score an interview. I think about totally switching careers or getting a new certification in something. But that takes time and money, which are very limited resources.

I feel like my flexible job is the most important thing holding my family together right now. My husband and I have two toddlers. He just returned to office for the first time since we became parents. It’s been a huge adjustment and really hard! He now spends significantly less time with us due to commuting and less flexibility. It puts a lot more responsibility on me to do drop offs, prep dinner, etc. I feel like we are rushed all the time. Then I imagine me also having to go into an office and it just doesn’t seem possible.

The pressure of this is really weighing on me. I know technically there is nothing to panic about yet because I still have my job, but everything seems so precarious now. Is anyone else feeling this?

Are you a freelancer or do contract or part time work and have a kid or two, how’s it going? Tell me about it cause I think I’m about to do it. My daycare has a 3-days-a-week option and I have a contract opportunity that’s 10hrs/wk to start and will grow. I’m nearing the end of my maternity leave after kid number 2 and am supposed to go back to a full time job soon. I am dreading it because it’s a tumultuous workplace that I woulda quit last fall had I not been pregnant. The expectation is constant grinding into evening and weekend hours, they’re increasing the RTO, and I can’t do it anymore, I’m so burnt out, and I’d never see my kids with the late nights of work due to poor planning. My husband’s benefits can work for our family (we’re in the US and rely on one person between us to have a full time job with health insurance), so that’s thankfully a non-factor. Pay is a big thing, of course, but we can easily manage even if I have minimal working hours this year. My thinking is I do the bulk of my work during the 3 days a week I have full childcare, leave my preschooler in for 5 days and then have 2 weekdays with the baby where I can do my best to get everything else done as I care for him (errands, house, meals). He’s an easy going baby during the day and can sleep on the go no problem (better than nights lol but that’s another story). Long term, I just want something sustainable for when the kids are in school so I can actually pick them up and see them before they go to bed. I’ve been applying for hundreds of jobs and gotten a handful of interviews but this contract is the only thing panning out that’s realistic (other opportunities had crippling long commutes or more office time and less pay, so I pulled out of the running)!

I hate when I pick my toddler up from daycare and she has a crusty, runny nose. I know her teachers are caring for a lot of kids and can’t realistically wipe her nose every time it runs, but it still bothers me.

I’ve been thinking about sending her in with her own handkerchief and teaching her how to wipe herself.

When your child has a constantly runny nose, do any of you send them to daycare with a reusable handkerchief/cloth?

Or is that just not something people do these days?

Genuinely curious because I haven’t seen other kids in her class with this and they always seem to have runny noses too.

I’ve been recruited internally to a new position which requires up to 7-8 times of traveling worldwide for a week each. The salary may not change much but I’m in toxic work environment now with constant pressure and demanding supervisor with no appreciation who told me there’s no career growth opportunity in our team. I’ve been applying for other internal positions since last year but it hasn’t been working out. (External application is out of scope since our child goes to my company’s kindergarten and husband has limited contract until the end of year.) There’s another role opened in our department with another supervisor but worried that constant stress and pressure won’t go away. It’s heartbreaking to think about being away from my 2 year old that much. Colleague who’s working in the new team said she only traveled 3 times within EU last year since she just joined the team from last Sep but manager (and friend) confirmed that the rest of the colleagues traveled up to 7 times. My husband is supportive and telling me to go for the new team so that I can get new experience and leave my supervisor. We could also travel 1-2 times together as he can work “from home” if it’s within EU and combine our holiday in destination. He could also call his parents to support him for one trip (they’re in another country)… but I just feel sad leaving my daughter since she’s more attached to me and she can communicate better with me. I don’t plan to stay in this company and plan to look for higher position in a few years again but nothing is predictable with this economy. Is there any moms working with frequent work trips? How do you handle the guilt?

Considering daycare for my son when he will be 14.5 months old. Looking for insights. If you started daycare when did you start? What has your experience been? If you have done day care after a nanny how did the transition go?

I was home with my son until 6 months, then my husband took a month off and then we got a nanny when he was 8 months old while we both work from home so I could continue nursing (he wouldn’t take a bottle) and I love having him at home. Overall I like our nanny but my son is SO social. Like I’ll bring him to the library and he’s crawling up to every kid, waving to them, handing them toys, etc. and when we go to the park he just wants to play with other kids and watch them play.

Anyways, we finally found a center we love that’s so close to our house and have a spot to start him when he’s 14.5 months old. I also like that daycare is flexible with more hours if I need it and less if I don’t, and that I can always use it vs if my nanny can’t come in we don’t have care. I know he’s still young to be in daycare so I’m wondering what everyone’s thoughts are on this? I am so torn on what to do! We don’t have family here and it’s just me and my husband so will also be helpful to have guaranteed care if we need it.

I’m worried I will miss out on so many things with my son not being home though. He will only be there from max 7:30-3 on a long day but most days hoping it’s shorter.

Baby just turned 2 months old and thinking about going back to work when he is 4 months old makes me sad ;(