u/Spiritual-Track6201

I feel like a terrible mother and a terrible wife and I’m pretty sure I have ppd. My baby is 4 weeks old. She was wanted, she was planned. I love her so much, I think she’s the best thing I’ve ever done and I never want to exist on this planet without her next to me. But I also might not be cut out for this and I want to d**
Tonight she wouldn’t go to sleep, she just screamed and screamed and screamed, she was changed and checked numerous times, cluster fed, cuddled, just wide awake and screaming. And I was so tired that for an hour I kept just giving her a pacifier and praying she would settle. She did not. Finally I picked her up, cradled her in my arms, and let out a feral growl/yell and just sat there scream-crying with her. My perfect baby who I wanted so badly, and I couldn’t remain patient for her.

I’ve been so stressed, constantly sobbing, and not sleeping, and I think my milk production is slowing down or halting as a result. I have been trying so hard to make breastfeeding work, I’ve been working for weeks to get her to latch and she has been getting better, but I’ve been pumping 6-8x a day in addition to practicing with her. We have some emergency formula the hospital gave us, I may have to start supplementing with it because I’m just not making enough for her cluster feeding anymore. I’m not anti-formula by any means, I believe fed is best whole-heartedly, but I still feel like a failure because I was trying so hard.

My poor husband has to put up with me constantly crying, constantly worrying. Constantly asking him why he doesn’t love me anymore and if he’s going to leave me. I can tell he’s frustrated with me, and I feel out of my mind with anxiety and self doubt. I don’t know how to stop this, I don’t know how to be better for them both.

I was not prepared for how powerless I feel 48 hours postpartum. Which is crazy because I just did objectively one of the most powerful, most hardcore things living beings can do, I just pushed a baby out into the world. But I feel absolutely depleted and like I’m failing and like I’m going to fail. My baby was induced at 37 weeks because I had hypertension developing into preeclampsia, my little girl is VERY little and struggling to breast feed, can’t stay latched. I’m pumping but producing drops at a time. We keep using donor milk which helps keep her fed, but what about tomorrow when we go home and there’s no donor milk and just me and my 4-5 mL per pump? I have a second degree tear, can’t go pee without crying. My husband is an absolute gift from God and has entirely been handling diaper changes, swaddling, picking her up and down, rocking her when she won’t stop crying, etc etc etc etc, which I’m grateful for him but I feel like I’m not doing enough in any aspect. I can’t stop crying, I feel like I’m already fucking up and we’ve barely even started.

That’s it. Enough said, I think. I’m being induced on Monday. This is our last weekend just the two of us before our daughter comes into the world. And I can’t even believe the turn that just occurred. He has never said anything like that to me before. He has gotten mad, especially with the stress of pregnancy I’ve seen him boil over in the last few months where he’s slammed things or hit things against himself. He doesn’t throw things, he wouldn’t hit me. But saying “F*** you” in my mind is a sign of deep contempt, severe lack of respect. I don’t know how you could say that to the love of your life. Especially the VERY pregnant love of your life….
For context his car always has problems. Probably once a month something needs fixing on this stupid car. The check engine light turned on during his drive home today. He’s stressed, I’m stressed. I’m hormonal, I’m not handling stress well. I stress cry. I said we can’t bring our baby home next week in a car with a faulty engine. He said it’s not a big deal, the engine isn’t faulty, it’s a minor issue that can be driven on temporarily and there’s no need to panic. I stop crying a bit and say “I don’t want to put her in that car at all” and half-laugh. It’s kind of a joke, kind of not. Definitely badly timed. He immediately blows up. “I’m done” “f*** you”
Silent treatment.
I don’t know what advice there even is to be given for this. He’s always been a good man. He comes from a good family. He has a temper sometimes but he’s never been abusive to me. I’m not leaving him. I just don’t know how to swallow the fact he could say that to me 3 days before I’m going to give birth to his child. Or at least how he’s not immediately sorry and trying to fix things after saying it. I’m hiding out in the bath tub. I never want to come out. I may sleep in here.

Our baby girl will be here in less than 2 months and I absolutely love the first name we’ve chosen, Juniper, but I don’t love any middle names at this point. I was really attached to Juniper Grace, until I was informed one of my husband’s niece’s middle names is Grace and he had forgotten. Now I can’t find anything I like as much. My husband loves Juniper Iris but I’m unsure. I liked Juniper Violet and Juniper Charlotte but my husband thought they felt clunky. Any recommendations for middle names with similar vibes to the ones above that we’ve been overlooking?