Am I overreacting, or is this guy incredibly low effort?
I’ve been talking to this guy for about a month. We’ve had two phone calls and one video call so far. On paper, he ticks a lot of major boxes—he has a good, stable job and he is religious. Because I am a very intentional person, between our calls I actually think of questions to ask him and take notes during our conversations so I don’t forget key details about his life. He is obviously talking to other people to keep his options open, which is fine, but his day-to-day effort level feels completely below basic standards.
On our call today, he asked questions consistently, but it felt incredibly low effort, like he wasn’t fully present or treating me like an individual person. His speaking style is very matter-of-fact and transactional. After I would answer a question, he would just say something flat like, "Ah yeah, fair enough," or "Yeah, good to know, okay so another question..." and just move right on to his next checklist item. He constantly started his sentences with "I don't know if we already discussed this, but..."The biggest red flags for me are the major things he completely fails to remember:
On our last video call, he actually asked me what my age was again.
On our call today, he asked how soon I want children and what my timeline is. We have already spoken about this in exact detail twice. When I reminded him we already discussed this, he just brushed it off and said, "Yeah, I don't really do that" when it comes to taking notes.
He knows I currently work in retail, but not once has he ever asked which shop I work for. To me, that is standard, basic conversation when you are trying to find out about a person.
He re-asked what my parents do for work, which we already covered.
Later in the call, he had a slip of the tongue and accidentally said, "Yeah, I’ve had some people say..." out loud, proving his brain is getting totally jumbled between multiple girls.
We also had a really weird, confusing moment today regarding Hajj. He was telling me about how his brother and sister-in-law just did Hajj. I couldn't fully recall if I had brought it up before, so I casually said, "Oh, I can't remember if I told you, but I also did Hajj." He completely blanked out, acted shocked, and went, "WHAT, NO, you didn't say! How was that?" Because he sounded so certain that I hadn't mentioned it, I started explaining my experience to him from scratch. But while I was right in the middle of explaining it, it suddenly all came back to him and he interrupted with, "Oh yeah, you did tell me." It was so jarring to watch his memory lag like that in real-time.
I understand he is exploring his options, but it feels so disrespectful to look this lazy and disorganized about the most fundamental pillars of a potential marriage. Does a good job and religious checkboxes make up for a complete lack of genuine warmth, memory, and effort? How would you handle a guy who behaves like this?