Misunderstandings are the worst 😔
I originally didn't want advice but I changed my mind. That being said, please be gentle with the advice. I'm feeling pretty raw about what has happened.
So a few weeks ago I noticed 3 of my friends were being a bit more distant than usual and I found out why last week when one of them posted a few videos of the 3 of them on a trip. 2 of them always go on this trip in the same location for their birthday and last year me and the last friend got invited, but I didn't get invited this year.
It's good to note here that I know exactly why I didn't get invited because I don't travel well and made the last trip kind of miserable for all of them. I hate car rides over 15 minutes, don't do housekeeping at hotels (because housekeeping has stolen from me wherever I go from the Ritz Carlton to Motel 6 and I can't fit ALL of my things into the safe provided, I love my things and can't bear to part with anything if I can help it, the only time they don't steal is if I put the do not disturb placard on the door my whole stay), and I tend to go explore and do my own thing away from whoever I'm traveling with. I KNOW people don't like traveling with me and I made my peace with that fact ages ago, which is why I was never jealous or upset that I wasn't invited.
However, I was curious about how the trip went, and since no one was talking about it with me, it was up to me to ask. One of my friends happened to be at the same party as me and I could not have been more clear that I wasn't upset. I started out by saying "I just want you guys to know first that I'm not mad. How was the trip?". It was a bit awkward but I thought for sure I conveyed that I was curious and not upset. When the friend left the party early though, I knew something was up.
The day after, I was at brunch and one of my other friends who went on the trip called. She asked if I was home and if she could come over to talk and I said I didn't know when I was going to be home but I could talk on the phone since she sounded pretty serious. She asked me to excuse myself from the social gathering and I did and went outside.
The call then got very tense as she listed everything that had gone wrong because of me on the original trip and that I had stated at that time (I don't remember saying this but I believe her) that I didn't want to go to that place for a trip again. I wasn't argumentative or upset during the call, I just felt blindsided by how hostile she was. I've known her for 10 years and she has never spoken to me in that way before. There was no warmth or feeling coming from her. Just bam bam bam rapid fire from her side. I was honestly too shocked to react in any way other than to try and diffuse the situation that I had caused just for asking a question ("I just want you guys to know first that I'm not mad. How was the trip?"). I told her that I meant what I said when I talked to our other friend, that I genuinely wasn't mad and I just wanted to know how it went. I'm under the impression that she didn't quite believe me. The whole vibe of the rest of the call was something I had never felt from her before. I know she was projecting a little by the way she said "I get jealous when you and (other friends) go out but I get over it." I wish I could remember other things she said but I mostly remember how the vibe felt. And it wasn't good.
Later that night, I texted the friend I had originally asked the question to and basically explained that it wasn't my intention to start drama and that I was just curious and that we were always good. She responded positively but I have no way of knowing if it was genuine.
I KNOW I need to talk to everyone in person to clear things up for sure but... I've known this friend (the one who called) for 10 years, and the other two I think I've known for around 3 or 4 years (the 3rd friend has not tried to contact me and that is normal behavior for them). This kind of misunderstanding and reaction has never happened with any of them before. The conclusion that I meant to start drama was so quick. I thought they knew me, and I thought I knew them.
I'm honestly so heartbroken and I'm not sure how to get through what has happened. I thought I knew these friends well, and I thought they knew me well too, but maybe I've been wrong the whole time. We're a tight knit group in our 30s, and I feel like I'm back in middle school again where all of my words and actions were misinterpreted and everyone would constantly be annoyed at me and shun me. I thought these friends might even be audhd too to an extent, but maybe I was wrong about that too.
It's been a few days since the phone call, but it still feels like something has died. Now they're all inviting me to tons of things, but I don't know what the intention is anymore or how they really feel about me. I was so clear and careful to convey that I wasn't upset and I was still misunderstood. My whole life, everyone I have known at some point have assumed I have done or said something with bad intentions or a hidden agenda behind them. I didn't think it would ever happen with these friends.
Should I take more time to process my own feelings? When it does come time to talk, how do I even start? I haven't cried in like 2 months and just writing this, I'm close to it. I feel like I had this big support system but I can't trust it anymore after this.