not sure I wanna kiss him but I could see us married… help lol
(take 2 asking for advice bc i royally fucked up the first attempt and explained everything wrong)
Venting, honestly, because I (25F) never fail to astound myself.
Guy friend (25M) of 4 years, online, with plans for our whole group to meet up later this year. I recently noticed I’m bringing him up more, planning things he could do with me if he visits here, wanting his attention… You know, casual things! Like researching the starting salary of his preferred profession in my area to know if him moving here would be viable, or if I’d have to move up there with him. Super totally normal and platonic things to do.
Lmao.
thing is, I’m definitely demisexual, may also be demiromantic. And if those don’t fit exactly, I’m 100% positive I’m SOMEWHERE on the greyrose spectrum. I’m also on the spectrum (high functioning/live independently/work a job and have two postgrad degrees) and have ADHD, both diagnosed. And… I’m deeply prone to limerence. Like severe limerence that has already ruined my life at least once lmao. And I think I may have alexithymia.
So naturally I’m smacking this topic from every angle. Overanalyzing everything. Logicing my feelings to death. Do I like him? Is it fake? Am I bored? Idk bro. I send him pictures of every boat I see and think about building a life together, then I reframe it from a different direction and it sounds insane and stupid and wasted effort. I don’t even want long distance. I want to start my 2nd masters program this fall and meet the love of my life in class and fall into a perfect fantasy romance that cures my demisexuality or something. (Let’s be real, that’s not how it works.)
Theres a lot of little logistical things. I’d be changing some life plans if we did get together but like— There’s sayings about plans and how something always fucks them up, lmao.
I don’t know if I’m attracted to him, but shit, I’ve never met him in person. Aesthetically he’s not immediately my type? But a lot of overweight men aren’t — I’m on a big fitness journey myself (60lb down!) and he keeps only sending me terrible photos with his legs standing weird while holding fish (iykyk). But I also think he’s probably prime glow up potential too? Just like I was, if he decided to want it. (My job is to decide whether or not I care if he ever wants it, or if it’s even relevant.)
But also. Initial aesthetic attraction doesn’t mean shit for me, apparently, except to sabotage budding things from the start. My ex-girlfriend (also online, we’re still great friends!), I didn’t really think she was “my type” when I first saw her pic either. But then we kept talking anyway, we met up in person, and BAM fucking ELECTRIC! Together for a year and a half. It didn’t matter anymore because the attraction was there.
Tbh I think my “aesthetic attraction type” is whatever society tells me it should be, with some caveats (I like soft, happy faces).
But my point is. I don’t think he’s immediately my type, which of course has my evil self-sabotage brain going “WE CANT DATE SOMEONE WHO LOOKS LIKE XYZ OR DOESNT LOOK LIKE XYZ OR BLAH BLAH SHALLOW BULLSHIT” (mind you, exactly 0 of my exes have ever checked every imaginary box, and only 2-3 came close….which didn’t matter…..bc attraction was there). But can I even fuckin’ deduce attraction at all when we haven’t met in person? If not, where the FUCK does that leave my feelings?? Because I’m not asexual, I’m demi, I want to experience that attraction to my partner, but what if I fall romantically and the sex never happens and then i JUST DIE?
you get me?
But anyway. I have my bones I’d pick (sometimes I wish he was a lil less flippant about things I’m excited about, or a little more poetically inclined). But he’s around for me when I need him. We have a lot of niche interests in common that i NEVER see in the same person all together, we get along really easily, he’s the main person I do this one hobby with which is how we met. We keep writing romances together, maybe it broke my brain lol.
Basically. Tldr? I think I’m catching feelings for a long term online friend I won’t meet in person for another 5 months, and because 1) he isn’t absolutely gobsmackingly PERFECT in every logical way for me in accordance with my grand (and unrealistic, in this fucking economy) life plan, and 2) i haven’t even met him in person yet to deduce attraction, i am DRIVING MYSEEEELF INSAAAAANE HAHAHA
thanks for coming 2 my ted talk