u/Aggravating-Can-7385

Hi. I’m not sure how to write this, so please forgive me if it’s a bit jumbled up. I moved in with my grandmother when I was around 15. Her daughter horribly abused me, and so did my mums boyfriend growing up. My mother had schizophrenia, so I moved in with my grandmother. My grandmother never reported the abuse, and deep down, I wish she had. But I didn’t understand anything at the time, so I just kept my mouth shut.

I used to come and go from my grandmas. I’d stay weekends, eventually it turned into me living there of course. I preferred it over living with my mother. The abuse was physical, and mental. So I went to be with my grandma.
I have autism, and I had severe CPTSD and depression. The room I moved into at my grandmothers was the one I was raped in when I was eleven, so the memory still haunted me, but at least I wasn’t being beaten anymore.

Then my mental health deteriorated. I lay in bed, up to 20 hours a day, for five years. I didn’t get out of bed for anything except to use the toilet and grab takeout from the door.. My mattress ended up disgusting due to it, and so did my sheets.. Trash piled up.

My grandma started getting irritated over the years about my mental health. I’d hear her talk bad about me to people on the phone.. when I changed my name legally for a fresh start, everyone knew about it. I told her not to tell anyone.. But she did.
I’ve heard her say before immigrants should be lined up against a wall and shot when trying to talk about history with her.
She’s the most judgmental, most awful person I know. She could be so, so loving. She’d pour her pockets out for you. But the gossip she did about me.. It would make me vomit hearing how much she told others. So I completely shut down and never asked for help, ever.

It would always be, you look awful today. You smell. Well, if you hadn’t let that little friend of yours into the house, he wouldn’t have raped you, would he? Keep in mind I was 11 when raped, the man who did it was 19.

I’m 21 now. I moved out a week ago. I never thought I would. I was suicidal most of my life, from the time I remember really being conscious.. My brain just wanted to escape.

So here rolls around the day I get my keys. My bedroom is mostly clean. I just needed to get rid of the old mattress, hoover, and grab the rest of my belongings. I told my grandma I’d be back the next day.. She agreed.
Then the next day rolls around. I call her, I say hey, I’m coming home to clean the rest of the bedroom up. She answers she’s already done it.. My heart sank to my chest. I knew that she would’ve seen private stuff in the bedroom.. When I say I came back the next day, it was early in the day. I promised I’d come back to clean it. I didn’t want my 73 year old grandmother to clean the bedroom. That isn’t fair, and I NEVER expected her to. I’m in a better head space now.

I get home, and I break down crying. I’m so humiliated.. she had flipped the mattress up, and the springs and decay of the mattress. It looked like someone had died on that mattress. And honestly, most of my years had died on that mattress. It was basically a ghost of my former self.

I was explaining to her how embarrassed I was, and how humiliated I am and I’m sorry. Then suddenly, she tells me to shut the fuck up crying. I’m obviously confused, as I’m literally just explaining I’m so sorry for ruining the mattress she bought me five years ago, and I shouldn’t have done it, but I was so ill, I didn’t intend on it at all.

She tells me if I’m going to be like this, I can just get out of the house and not come back. I’m still confused on what’s going on.. She’s basically been my mother growing up.

I haven’t spoken to her since. I know she’s been talking bad about me to my older sister. Apparently she’s been parading people in my bedroom. It feels like my past is haunting me as soon as I’ve recovered.

It’s 6am, and I can’t sleep.. I don’t know how to grieve this properly. Any advice, or similar stories can help. I feel so alone. I wish I had parents.