I feel like I wasn’t taught how to socialize
I was raised by two parents who don’t maintain any friendships. When I was a kid, instead of having friends over I was always drawing or watching movies.
It feels like a lot of my attention was directed towards consuming media instead of interacting with other kids. And while I have a great relationship with the arts, to this day it feels impossible for me to connect with others in a meaningful way to the point where I don’t think I’ve ever had a fully unguarded and meaningful friendship.
Moreover, I don’t think I’ve ever spoken to a person and felt understood in my 23 years of life. I’m often shy. But even when I’m not, when I can hold the conversation I can’t help but feel that I lied to that person by contorting who I am around what I think I’m supposed to be. Like I succeeded in prolonging the moment when I inevitably disappoint them.
It feels hard to not blame myself. I’m working on nurturing my friendships and reaching out more as well as the self criticism, and I’ve been in therapy for two years, but I wish the work could just be done already.